Black Christmas

The F*** is wrong with you guys?

In their most recent game against cross-town rivals the Bloor Battlers, local hockey legends the Black Aces suffered what appeared to be a power failure in the late going, eventually falling 4-3 to the blue team in white sweaters.

“The cause of the late game fade is still under investigation” said team professional shopper Rod P after the game. “We have a team of psychics working day and night to determine the source of this tragedy and will be holding a press conference as soon as results have been verified.”


Just in case the root cause of the crash is a lack of inspiration, your humble scribe has contacted his good pal Santa, and in the spirit of Christmas hereby offers a quick fix in the form of presents for players who play nice, and punishments for players who make naughty plays.

Naughty Play	Result
clearing pass giveaway	lump of coal in hockey bag
offside	can of Old Speckled Hen
screening the goalie (no goal)	two cans of Old Speckled Hen
screening the goalie (goal)	an actual old speckled hen
not back-checking	A full-back tattoo of a unicorn done by Guido at Tats R Us. Guido is legally blind, 90 years old and has Parkinsons disease.
suicide pass to the blueline	Suicide wing sauce applied liberally to the “gentleman’s area”, followed by 60 minutes in a dry sauna.
allowing a soft goal	A one year cancellation of player’s viagra prescription
forgetting the beer	a Tinder ‘date’ with Zamboni Girl. On an actual Zamboni.

Nice Play	Result
actually playing the correct position	one free beer at Ferro’s
getting the goddam puck out of the defensive zone	prime parking spot at Phil White Arena
an ugly goal	a pair of tickets to a Leafs game
winning a faceoff, offensive zone	dinner with Bill Shatner
stopping a 2 on 1	A "2 on 1" with Zamboni Girl and her friend Tractor Chick. They'll show you what a snow plow is.
a pretty goal	a pair of tickets to a Marlies game
the winning goal in the playoffs	brunch with God
bringing the good beers	a Tinder ‘date’ with Zamboni Girl's mom. On an actual Zamboni.

And just in case this didn't inspire / put the fear of God into you, here's a little extra inspiration for all the Aces players. Headphones on, volume way up. Maybe not watch this one at work. Hint: stay with it, it gets interesting at around the 2:30 mark.

Aces Recap and General Parade Plans

After a brief hiatus, it's time to catch up on what the Black Aces have been up to this year.

October 7: Aces 4, Bloor Battlers 2

Date: October 8, 2015
To: ParadeCo Industries Ltd.
From: Aubrey S-, Black Aces HC

Dear Stan,

Great talking with you today at the store. Please accept this email as confirmation of my order for equipment and supplies for the end-of-season victory parade for the Black Aces Hockey Club. Here’s the order again:

• 2 extra long flatbed trailers
• 3 bouncy castles filled with champagne-flavoured foam
• 6 stripper poles (2 red, 2 silver, 2 gold)
• 12 exotic dancers (6 plus-sized, 6 in regular skank-size)
• 12 cases of Dom Perignon on ice
• 1 generator truck, to power the equipment and lights for our special musical guests U2
• 100 dozen black roses (for the Aces to hand out to the ladies on the parade route)
• 10 fog machines
• 2 complete laser lighting rigs
• 1 suckling pig, roasting on a spit
• 8 drones with 3D high-definition video cameras to record the parade

If you could talk to your connection in the Canadian Air Force about that flyover that would be great. I’ll see if we have it in the budget.

Regards,

Aubrey

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October 28: Aces few, Battlers way more

Aaaaaaaaaaaay-Seeeeeeeeezzzz!!!!!!!

Date: October 29, 2015
To: ParadeCo Industries Ltd.
From: Aubrey S-, Black Aces HC

Hey Stan,

Just a quick note to update my order for the Aces’ victory parade. Maybe cancel that second extra long flatbed, the guys in Nickelback say they only need a regular sized one for their gear. Here’s the rest of the order now, with a couple of other small changes:

• 1 extra long flatbed trailer, 1 standard length
• 2 bouncy castles filled with Gillette foamy shave cream
• 3 stripper poles (1 red, 1 silver, 1 gold)
• 6 exotic dancers (all plus-sized)
• 12 cases of Baby Duck
• 1 generator truck, to power the equipment and lights for our special musical guests Nickelback
• 100 10 dozen black roses (for the Aces to hand out to the ladies on the parade route)
• 10 pounds of dry ice and laundry tub
• 2 20’ strings of LED Christmas lights
• 1 honey glazed ham, in the tin
• 8 drones 1 Ryerson grad with a GoPro, on a bicycle, to record the parade

Thanks bro,

Aubrey

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November 18: Aces 7, Battlers 4

Date: November 19, 2015
To: ParadeCo Industries Ltd.
From: Aubrey S-, Black Aces HC

Yo, Stan, ‘sup?

You know that order I placed a while back, the one I made the changes to? I think I need to make a couple more. I swear this is my final update. The Aces are as good as gold to win the COTHL again this year. Here we go:

• 2 extra long flatbed trailers
• 3 bouncy castles filled with champagne-flavoured foam and condoms
• 3 8 stripper poles (4 black, 2 silver, 2 gold)
• 6 12 exotic dancers (6 plus-sized, 3 in regular skank-size, 3 ‘little people’)
• 15 cases of Crystal on ice, bitch
• 2 generator trucks, to power the equipment and lights for our special musical guests U2, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin and very special guest Adele.
• 100 dozen black roses (for the Aces to hand out to the ladies on the parade route)
• 100 dozen red roses (for Adele, it's in her rider)
• 4 white Bengal tiger cubs
• 10 fog machines
• 3 wind machines
• 2 bubble machines
• 2 complete laser lighting rigs
• 6 t-shirt cannons, each loaded with 25 Black Aces T-shirts
• 1 complete cow, roasting on a spit
• 1 10’ tall chocolate fountain filled with dark chocolate and black smarties (I mean it, no other colours. I don’t want to see any of those shitty yellow smarties in there, Stan)
• 8 drones with 3D high-definition video cameras to broadcast the parade live to satellite
• A solid gold throne with the number “4” written on it in diamonds. With a velvet seat.

That should do it. Go Aces!

Aubster

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November 25: Wyse Guys 7, Aces 1

With cheese!

Date: November 26, 2015
To: ParadeCo Industries Ltd.
From: Aubrey S-, Black Aces HC

Dear Stan,

I hope it’s not too late to change that last order. Some things have come up, we’re going to have to scale back the parade just... a... little... bit. Sorry. Here’s the new order, please call me back if you need anything else:

• 1 1998 Ford F150 pickup truck, back gate optional
• 1 child-sized bouncy castle filled with Canadian Tire money
• 8 candy canes
• 3 exotic dancers (just the 3 ‘little people’)
• 3 cases of Old Speckled Hen
• 1 portable generator, to power the equipment and lights for our special musical guests Rich, Jeff, Mike and Pete
• 1 dozen packs of black licorice (for the Aces to hand out to the ladies on the parade route)
• 100 dozen red roses 
• 4 white tiger cubs 2 white long-haired cats from the Toronto Humane Society
• 10 packs of Marlborough lights + 2 bic lighters
• 3 hand-held battery-powered fans
• 1 bubble gum machine
• 1 10’ string of LED Christmas lights
• 6 t-shirt slingshots, each loaded with 1 Black Aces T-shirt
• 1 tin of Spam (with cheese)
• 1 box of Smarties, and make sure we get ALL the colours.
• 1 3rd grader with an Etch-a-Sketch to record the parade
• 1 kitchen stool with the number “4” written on it in black sharpie. Keep the velvet seat.

Thanks buddy, you’re the best!

Aubrey

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December 2: Aces 3, Warriors 1

I love you guys

Date: December 3, 2015
To: ParadeCo Industries Ltd.
From: Aubrey S-, Black Aces HC

Stan - Sorry to have to make more changes to that order, I hope this is the last time I need to do that. I’m thinking now that quality over quantity is the way to go, amiright? Of course I am. Here’s the new order:

• 1 stretch Hummer, the one with all the sunroofs
• 1 stripper pole, candy-cane coloured
• 1 exotic dancer
• 1 case of Grey Goose vodka
• 6 cases of Corona, pre-limed
• 1 large portable generator, to power the equipment and lights for our special musical guest William Shatner
• 3 dozen black roses (for the Aces to hand out to the ladies on the parade route)
• 2 dozen red roses (for the Aces’ #1 fan, Zamboni Girl)
• 10 packs of Marlborough lights + 2 bic lighters (also for Zamboni Girl)
• 3 hand-held Japanese paper fans (also for Zamboni Girl)
• 1 autographed photo of Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys
• 1 green laser pointer for each player on the Aces
• 25 Black Aces T-shirts
• 8 large pizzas from Ferro’s
• 10 boxes of black Smarties, each with a white number 4 on it
• 1 3rd year OCAD fine arts student to post photos of the parade on Instagram
• 1 La-Z-Boy sofa with black throw cushions embossed the numbers 1 through 4 on one side, and 2013 through 2016 on the other.

That should do it. I’ll drop by the store with the team credit card next week, Stan.

Cheers,

Aubrey