Jon Bon Jovi Wants to Buy the Aces and Move Them to Buffalo

I'm turning into John fucking Cougar

Sources close to this reporter have confirmed that New Jersey 'rocker' and entrepreneur is close to a deal that would have him become majority owner of local hockey team the Black Aces. Bon Jovi is also trying to ink a deal to purchase the Buffalo Bills NFL franchise and move it to Toronto, a move that has upset some Bills' fans in the Queen City.

The deal for the Aces may be designed to offset the loss of the Bills to a city already reeling from high unemployment, too much snow, and the continued presence of the Buffalo Sabres. Aces' president and expert towel-folder Aubrey S is refusing to disclose the amount of the offer from Mr. Bon Jovi, but inside sources (actually team sponsor Joe P) say it's in the high 3 figures.

Some Aces have already made plans for the money, saying it should go toward providing after-game beers with names that are easier to pronounce, and, as team defender and film critic Simon C put it, "not from Czechoslofuckingvakia or something. Can't we just get back to good honest one-syllable Canadian beer? Come on, let's have some Ex, Blue, Bud, or Keiths. Last game someone asked me if I wanted a Tmavý Vánoční. I thought he was offering me a Russian hand job so I punched him in the face. I'm a married man."

The rumours surrounding the club don't seem to be affecting anyone's performance. A fast paced game against the Battlers on November 20 saw the Aces nearly edge past the blue shirts but for a late tying goal. Winger and team ferret walker Ralph R did his best Steven Stamkos impersonation, burying an off-wing shot from in close, and team ventriloquist and newcomer Mark L (almost finished probation, buddy, just a couple more multi-goal games and you get a sweater) bagged another pair to round out the scoring. The game ended in a 3-3 tie, which should be enough to keep the Aces on top of the COTHL for another week.

Special note to any alumni still reading this blog: return your sweater! If you still have an official Aces jersey and you're not on the team any more... bring it back. You know who you are.

Welcome Aces!

Double Delivery Confuses Aces

Hockey players, never known for their intelligence, are an easily confused species. They are driven by rules and must at all times know where they stand, both on the ice and off. A recent incident involving local COTHL team the Black Aces is an excellent example of how little it takes to confuse and befuddle the average hockey player.

It is customary for one player to provide beer refreshments for the team at each game, with the assignment going to a different player each week. There is no list or complex algorithm to calculate the exact order in which players are responsible for bringing the team cooler full of sweet sweet beer gatorade. No tests of strength or manliness, no game of rock-paper-scissors, no drawing of straws. It's very informal. After each game someone will spontaneously ask "Who's got the beer lemonade for next week?" And after a confused pause, someone will eventually volunteer to bring the cooler and its strictly non-alcoholic contents to the next game.

Sometimes things do go awry. In the worst case scenario the bringer of the beer Kool-aid does not make it to the rink, and the team must endure a 'dry' post-game review of the evening's events. This is very sad, and the non-bringer of the beer popsicles undoubtedly feels a sudden burning rush of guilt mixed with fear as his teammates all envision his grisly yet totally justified death by bear-mauling.

In the second-worst case scenario, too many Aces show up to play and the supply of beer spring water runs out before everyone can slake their thirst. This is also very sad, and the bringer of the beer Perrier must endure the disapproval of his teammates, who all now know that either a) he can't count, or more likely b) he's a cheap cunt skate.

The third-worst scenario happened on November 13, when not one but two Aces brought beer iced tea to the game. You may think this would be a good thing, and that having extra beer soda after the game would be greeted with shouts of joy and high-fives all around. You would be wrong - go back and read the first paragraph, the one about hockey players being easily confused and requiring order at all times.

Instead of providing a boost to the Aces' performance, the thought of all those additional beers smoothies waiting in the dressing room only distracted the team. Pucks were shot wide, passes went astray, and the end result was a 3-1 loss to the Warriors and the end of the longest undefeated streak in team history.

This was very sad, as you can imagine. It was a very sad bunch of Aces hockey players after the game who had to sadly, very sadly, drink the extra beer juiceboxes to ensure that this sort of tragedy never happens again.

Aces Conserve Energy in Latest Win

Aces top line on November 6

In an effort to join the movement to a greener society, local hockey team the Black Aces successfully implemented a new 'low energy' strategy in their latest game. The team managed to extend their winning streak with an efficient 4-2 win over the Wyse Guys, putting out just enough wattage to ensure the victory.

"We're all very concerned about climate change on this team" said team sitar tuner Joe P. after the game "so we do our part to keep our energy expenditures as low as possible."

To the casual eye the Aces no doubt appeared to be coasting through the second and most of the third periods. In actual fact the team was merely keeping their energy output in check in order to not contribute to Canada's notoriously poor greenhouse gas emissions record.

"Knowing what I know about the Oil Sands and climate change, I can't in good conscience ignore my own contributions to our record as a nation" said team aromatherapist Mike K. "I feel guilty whenever I put out more than 1500Kj on a shift. I keep thinking about those poor polar bear cubs, and I have to slow down."

Not a polar bear cub in sight.

It seems however that it is mainly the veteran players on the team that have these selfless concerns for the environment. The newer, younger players have apparently decided to say "fuck you" to Mother Earth and continue to play at a high energy output, effectively damning future generations to a stormy, violent nightmare world where roving gangs of mutants battle one another for supremacy in the crumbling remains of our once great cities.

Mark L, for instance, singlehandedly doomed the 5 remaining specimens of Coates Island Murres with his selfish 3 goal performance.

"Why Mark? Why?"

Paul M, another newcomer, may have scored the winning goal, sure, but also showed blatant disregard for our fragile arctic habitat by burning through at least 5000Kj in the 3rd period alone. Shameful. Sure he may have bicycled to the game with his equipment and everything but that does not make up for his reckless performance on the ice.

The worst offender though had to be goalie and Young Person Kevin T. While the rest of the Aces were treading/skating lightly on the earth, young Kevin continued to blithely burn through untold kilojoules of energy as he turned aside shot after shot in the Aces net. Energy, may I remind you, that can ultimately be traced back to fossil fuel sources.

If this is how the next generation shows concern for the planet, then friends, we are truly doomed as a species.

Next game is wednesday, I have the beer.

Aces Scribe Misses Weekly Blog Post

In an unusual turn of events, local hockey team the Black Aces are without a weekly blog post commemorating their most recent win in the COTHL. In spite of an impressive 9-3 win over the Warriors, there was no mention on the team blog this week.

Team blogger and scribe Jeff McCartney has, however, issued the following apology.

To my beloved Aces team mates, fellow players in the COTHL, followers of this blog and athletes everywhere, I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry I failed to post a blog report of the Aces latest win over the Warriors. If anyone was offended by this omission, I apologize. I'm sorry to Kevin T for not reporting on his excellent play in the Aces net, and I'm sorry to all the Aces players who worked so hard to get the 2 points and who placed their trust in me to post the weekly report. I sincerely, sincerely... sincerely apologize. 

I'm the first one to admit, friends, I'm the first one to admit, I am not perfect. I have made mistakes ... and all I can do right now is apologize for the mistakes

I hope you can forgive me, and I know I have to work hard to regain your trust.

All I can say is that this incident is in the past, and I promise you that hopefully this will never happen again. We must move forward. I'm going to continue to do the job I appointed myself to do, which is write snark-filled blog posts about the team. If at the beginning of next season the team decides they want someone else to take that over, then that's their decision.

God bless the Black Aces and God bless the COTHL.