Aces training program pays dividends

It's not unusual for pro athletes to maintain a high level of fitness in the off-season. Hockey players, long notorious for their summer regimen of fishing, drinking and golfing, now spend the warm months fishing, drinking, golfing, running, and working out with Gary Roberts.

In an effort to maintain their edge over this past summer, area hockey team and COTHL champs the Black Aces enlisted the services of someone at a slightly lower price point than the renowned Mr. Roberts:

Hi, I'm Vlad.

That's right. Russian president Vladimir Putin.

Little known fact: Vlad takes the summer off from telling Russians what to do and spends his leisure time selflessly helping amateur athletes around the world achieve their potential through his patented exercise program, Vladisthenics.

Here's a typical day of Vladisthenics, as followed by the Aces this past July and August.

0600: wake up, drink 1 oz vodka. Eat 1 bear steak, raw
0630: ten mile run while disassembling and re-assembling Kalashnikov rifle
0800: 1,000 pushups with Lada Niva 1.0L engine on back
0900: ice bath, 30 minutes
0931: restart own heart with jumper cables and battery from Lada Niva
1030: sneak into Toronto Zoo, fight Amir tiger. Naked.
1100: 1 hour rest on bed of barbed wire
1200: lunch - 2 oz vodka, 1 lb uncooked potatoes, 1 lb reindeer meat, antlers on
1300: swimming 1500 meters. Under water
1400: agility training - dancing in Russian style while is beaten with live sturgeon by Vlad
1430: fishing time! Everybody take shirt off and catching the fish!
1600: Russian fight technique. Practice on gypsy children, greenpeace hippies.
1800: dinner -  3 oz vodka, 1 lb moose meat, 1 whole cabbage
1900: weight training with Team USSR 1972.

Rinse, repeat.

"Ted Nugent is pussy"

What have their opponents been doing to prepare for this season? Something a little less intense.

And that, gentle reader, is why the Aces will once again win the COTHL title.

Game report:
Aces 3, Warriors 0. Another outstanding performance from newcomer Mark, who with a 3 goal night has almost secured himself a permanent spot on the club. Another 2 or 3 games like that one and the Aces Elders will be certain to take a closer look at his application for team member status.

Circle of Life Continues in the COTHL

They say time stands still for no man, not even amateur hockey players, and so we find ourselves this year with some new faces on the Aces. Faces attached to younger, better men as the old guard gives way to the new. The Circle of Life continues. 

Step aside, geezers.

Your humble scribe was recently able to arrange an exclusive interview with the 3 newest Aces; Kevin, Mark and Paul. The full interview will be appearing on the Hockey Night in Canada (Punjabi) broadcast this year, but below are some selected excerpts from that interview. 

JM (interviewer) : Hello gentlemen, welcome to the COTHL and to the Black Aces Hockey Club. How are you finding the level of play in the league so far?

Kevin: It’s been fantastic, I’ve really been enjoying myself in every game. It’s amazing that even at such an advanced age there are still guys out there who can play at a high level.

Mark: I agree with Kevin. There was one shift in the last game where I’m pretty sure I felt some sweat soaking through my shirt. Could have been some spilled water, but yeah, let’s go with sweat. 

Paul: It’s so cool that I get to play in this league because there are a few guys that are friends with my dad at work, and he likes it when we beat them. 

JM: Why don’t you tell us a bit about your hockey resume. Where were you playing before joining the Aces?

Paul: mostly in the back yard on the rink my dad built for me and my brother, who is a total poo-head. So I’m really happy to be skating on a full sized rink now. It's wicked.

Kevin: I was in my last year of bantam house league, but there weren’t many junior scouts coming around. I was looking at having to go back to school and finish my grade 9 when I got the call from the Aces. This is way more fun than sitting through English class, you know what I mean?

Mark: I was pretty much just playing NHL14 on my xbox, with the occasional street hockey game on weekends. This is a lot more fun, and the other kids on the team seem really cool. Plus my mom says I need the exercise. Like, whatever.

JM: Kevin, you’ve had some strong games in the net so far.

Kevin: Thanks, dude. I guess it helps that slap shots aren’t allowed and most of the guys in the league are kind of too old to take a decent wrist shot. Our defense is super solid too, so that makes things easier. 

JM: Mark and Paul, you’ve shown some great chemistry out there so far. How do you explain the way you’ve been able to connect with each other so quickly?

Mark: We spend a lot of time online playing World of Warcraft with each other, maybe that’s it?

Paul: Yeah, it’s kind of like we knew each other already. Hey Mark, looks like your mom is here to pick you up.

Mark: Yup, I gotta go. Thanks for the interview, mister! 

Mark, Kevin and Paul. The newest members of the Black Aces

In actual hockey news, the Aces kept their undefeated streak alive last week with a 3-2 win over the Wyse Guys. A tally from Bruce plus 2 more from Mark (one on a cross-ice Hail Mary pass from your humble scribe for the go-ahead goal) put the game away under ice conditions so snowy that the city had to call in the army to clear it all away after the game. Let’s hope the zamboni is off the DL for next week. 

Also, the team would like to welcome back Ralph, who is returning from having carbon fiber and titanium joints implanted into his legs during the offseason. League rules do not forbid this procedure so we're pretty sure he's cleared to play.

Hakuna Matata.

Toronto Mayor Robocalls Aces Opponents

The following is an actual transcript of a "robo-call" placed on behalf of local hockey team the Black Aces by Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. 

"The fuck are you lookin at?"

"Hello. This is your mayor, Rob Ford. I just would like to say that if any of you players on the Battlers, Warriors or Wyse Guys are thinking of taking a run at the COTHL cup this year, well, let's just say I wouldn't do that if I were you. 

"You think just because I'm the mayor of this town that I have to spend all my time doing mayor shit? Think again, assholes. I got plenty of downtime now that I decided not to coach football any more, and you know what? I'm with the Aces now. So look the fuck out because those guys are gonna kick your asses again this year.

"Summa you jerkoffs might think that last year was some kind of fluke, that the Aces just put together some lucky wins at the end of the season. Wrong, dumbfucks. All that 'losing a bunch of games in a row' shit was like, totally planned. Just like I planned to get the Feds to cough up all that dough for a Scarborough subway, which is TOTALLY going to happen no matter what the commies on city council think.

"The Aces were playing you for losers last year, and you fell for it. But this year they don't have to because they got me as their coach. So get ready to lose, bitches, cuz - what? I'm just makin' a phonecall, Doug, leave me alone! Naw, I'm jus' callin' someone. Jeez. Anyway, where was I? Oh right, the Aces are going to win EVERY GAME this year with me behind the bench and you lefty bastards had better - what now? No, Doug I don't know where your hash is! Ow! Quit hitting me, I didn't take it! That's it, I'm telling mom you sonofa - ...

"This has been a paid political announcement from the Rob Ford for permanent mayor coalition. God bless Ford Nation."

Players from the non-Aces teams in the COTHL have yet to comment. 

In actual hockey news, the Aces did in fact pull off a win in their most recent game. After jumping out to a 4-1 lead on goals by Rich (2) Mark and Paul (1 each) the blackshirts took their foot off the gas just enough to let the Battlers back in the game. Some timely saves from keeper Kevin kept the game in the win column for the Aces, as they hung for a 4-3 victory and extended their undefeated string. That's now 8 games in a row without a loss, going back to last year.