Local hockey team the Black Aces stunned both the hockey and aviation worlds this past week when they announced that they had made a deal with European aircraft manufacturer Airbus for one of the last A380s to roll off the assembly line. This followed the announcement by Airbus last week that they would discontinue the line of super-large passenger jets due to lack of sales.
"We were able to come to an agreement we were both happy with" said Aces' winger and avionics specialist Bruce H. "Airbus was in a tight spot and the team had a financial surplus with all the call-ups we've used this year. Turns out raising the pay-to-play fee to $20 per game was a great idea. It all adds up!"
The team would not divulge the purchase price of the brand new double-decker airliner, but it seems safe to say the Aces paid substantially less than the standard $445 Million retail price. That should leave some money left over for the planned custom upgrades the team negotiated with Airbus. Your humble scribe has managed to secure a partial list of these upgrades, listed here:
- Black and silver interior colour theme throughout.
- Full Sized Practice Rink - The A380 is the largest commercial aircraft ever built, so it should be easy to fit an NHL-sized hockey rink into the main level. There's even room for a zamboni and a cabin for the live-in driver. Applications are being accepted as we speak.
- Golf simulator - obviously you can't fit a full-sized golf course into an airplane, even an A380, so a 6 bay golf simulator will have to do. It does however have a full bar along with an in-house brewpub.
- Wave pool - this will help keep the Aces in shape for the summer surfing season
- Petting zoo - make sure to visit the Snake Farm area, the pythons love to be petted and zookeeper and Aces D man Simon C does a great job of keeping 'em frisky.
- Gentlemen's club - there will be a dress code, but Aces players can store their complimentary tailored suits in their individual cabins. Each cabin comes with its own butler, whose only task is to keep each suit dry-cleaned and ready to wear.
- Skeet shooting range - some modifications have been made to the top deck. Engineers are confident that removing a portion of the fuselage to allow the skeets to be launched into the air will probably not affect the plane's ability to actually fly. Probably.
- Trout pond - fully stocked with one thousand big beautiful Ontario trout. Boat rentals available.
- Parking deck - for the exclusive use of the official Black Aces stretch limo fleet
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| Your Armani is ready, sir |
The deal for the plane is contingent on the team following through on their initial downpayment, said to be "a couple of pies and more than a few beers at Ferro" by Aces chief negotiator and elder statesman Rich W. Rumours of 'personal favours' remain unsubstantiated and will be vigorously defended against by team attorneys. To that end, the fee for next year will be $250,000 per player. Call-ups will pay $2.5 million per game. Team actuarial specialist Mike M calculates the plane will be fully paid off "long before our sun goes supernova, I can assure you."
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| Not to worry, everyone. |
Now that the distraction of buying a new toy is behind them, Aces' management is probably hoping to avoid any further losses like the one the team suffered at the hands of the Team With the Ugly Blue Sweaters. No scoring to report, sadly.
