An Apology

Sorry

Dear Black Aces,

I'm sorry. I'm so so SO sorry I doubted you. I should have known that even though you've been going through a bit of a rough patch lately, that even if maybe the puck hasn't been bouncing your way the last game or 5, that you would find a way to crawl out of that Black Hole and pull out an unlikely win.

I mean sure, the defense has been like swiss cheese the last few games but that was no reason to think they would continue to act like big black pylons forever. Which is what, if I'm being honest here (and my therapist says I have to start being honest if I'm to ever grow as a human being) I was thinking when you were down 3-2 to the Battlers last game.

Oh sure there was still another period left, but how was I to know that this would be the game everyone decided to man up and "git 'er done" as they say out in the rural areas? There I was, doing my best to stay awake inspire the team behind the bench, and all I could think of when the Aces fell behind again was "I think there's some leftover pizza in the fridge at home... mmmmm, pizza". So I left. I fled. I bolted. I scurried out of there like the last rat out of a burning Denny's.

I'm not proud of the decision I made, but you know what? You would have done the same thing. Our best player and top scorer was MIA, it was freezing cold in Phil White Arena, and all I could think of was that delicious pizza, a cold beer, and my feet up on the couch watching Just for Laughs Gags. God those French bastards are le funny.

So please accept my apologies for not being there for your epic comeback to take down the B-team 4-3. I missed Simon tie the game on a laser-like shot from the point, and I missed the lovely go-ahead goal by Bruce on a perfect pass from Simon. Sure I saw Ralph bury a goal earlier, and I saw Bruce shovel one into the net in the Phil Esposito Style, but I missed the rally and most importantly I missed seeing that giant hairy-assed monkey being bitch-slapped off your backs.

Please forgive me, men. I swear it will never happen again.

Aubrey
Black Aces Spiritual Leader and Chief Financial Officer

PS - Please enjoy this heartwarming comeback story from another great TV show, Parks and Rec.

Missing

Latest game results: meh. Aces 3, Warriors 3 after a late weird goal from the Warriors tied it up. Intermittent periods of competence punctuated by boneheaded moves and Not Really Giving Much of a Fuck. Maybe the Aces need some distraction, so here's a pictorial essay from Joe Himalaya as he crosses the American Heartland with his attorney.

Leaving Graceland with Tricky Dick and the King

Welcome to Arkansas

Donald approved this sign

Not for sale. 

Joe says: "Obviously, I’ve never had more fun in my life… the young couple in the booth beside me were on ‘date’ shooting an AK-47..."

Joe says: My new BFF in Temple Texas… “Jesse” who informed me that aiming for ‘shoulder blades and below' was best to ‘drop my enemy’!

Joe Says: I’ve rented cars for less than a machine gun!! The bullets were the same as dinner for two at Denny’s!!

Doctor Doctor

"Good evening and welcome to another edition of "What's wrong with the Aces?" your weekly LIVE hockey talk forum here on ESPN7. I'm your host, George Stumbleopoulous. This week we take a painful look at the most recent Aces game, a 9-3 shellacking at the hands of the Wyse Guys, or more specifically one Wyse Guy. "

"Since the Aces posted such a weak, sickly performance this week, we've invited a panel of eminent doctors to diagnose the problem and to hopefully answer the question

(Studio audience joins in) WHAT'S! WRONG! WITH THE ACES!!!

"Our first guest is none other than TV's pre-emininent psychologist, Dr. Phil McGraw. Welcome to WWWtA, Dr. Phil, and first of all let me just say that I did not know you had a last name. Did not know that."

"Thank you George, and yes, I do have a last name, and it's McGraw."

"So, Doctor, what's wrong with the Aces?"

"Well it's perfectly clear to me that the Aces are suffering from an critical lack of self-awareness in the defensive end, ok? And unless they start to (makes air quotes) 'get real', their situation is not likely to improve. I think the only solution is some very expensive therapy, and I'm offering the team a 1 week stay at the very exclusive Rancho de burros de pie lento in Tempe Arizona, ok? At a very attractive price."

"Thank you Dr. Phil, that sounds like great advice to me."

"Next on our panel we have 3 world-renowned doctors, all here via video conference. From Compton California we have Dr. Dre, from near earth orbit in his personal space headquarters we have Dr. Evil, and from his laboratory somewhere in Europe, Dr. Frankenstein. It's a pleasure to meet you all, doctors. "

"Yo"
"Yesss, helloooo."
"Guten tag. Also, it's pronounced Fronkensteen."

"Let's start with you, Dr. Dre. Your thoughts on what's wrong with the Aces. "

"Ain't the name, that's for sure, cuz they the BLACK muthafuckin Aces, so it must be the refs. FUCK tha REFS, yo."

"Dr Evil, do you agree that the refs should be fucked?"

"Welllll, nooo, not exactly." (strokes cat) "I think the entire problem could be solved with a well-placed canister of deadly nerve gas. We'll see how fast the Aces enemies skate when... THEY'RE DEAD!" (twirls pinky ring and laughs maniacally)

"Perhaps a little extreme, but let's see what Dr Frankenstein has to say. Dr F? Your thoughts?"

"Vell, I sought ze Aces last game vas monstrous of course, Herr George. But I have ze solution - I vill build ze Aces a new player, jah? He vill haff ze best qualities of all ze Aces... because he vill be made of pieces of all ze Aces. If ze Aces players vill chust giff to me each one body part I can haff ze new player ready in time for ze playoffs."

"I'l be sure to pass that request along to the team. Wait, we have someone on the line - caller are you there?"

"Yes, I'm over here, dammit. I'm a doctor, not a prank caller." A man in a blue tight-fighting jumpsuit comes onto the set, speaking into what appears to be a flip-phone.

"The one and only Dr. Leonard McCoy, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the show, doctor. Tell us, what's wrong with the aces?"

"If I didn't know better I'd say they were all suffering from an acute case of Zardaxian Flu. A couple of days in sick bay and they'll be right as rain."

"I completely disagree." An elderly spectacled man has walked onto the sound stage. "The Aces in my opinion did not receive enough affection from their parents when they were children. This has led to the current outburst of rebellious behaviour in the form of self-sabotage on the ice."

Doctor McCoy is outraged, his eyebrows dance furiously up and down. "Who the hell are you? And how did you get on board the Enterprise?"

"I'm Doctor Benjamin Spock."

"In a pig's eye you're Spock! Where's your pointy ears?" McCoy stabs Dr Spock in the neck with a fancy syringe and the old man crumples to the ground. He kneels down and feels his neck, looks up in alarm.

"He's dead, Jim!"

"That's all the time we have this week on What's Wrong With the Aces. Be sure to tune in next week for part two of our all-doctor show when we'll be hearing from Dr Oz, Dr Scholls, Doctor Who, Dr Oetker, Doctor Strangelove and Doctor Demento."