Warriors Test Positive for Battlers

The February 17th COTHL matchup between fan favourites the Black Aces and the struggling Warriors featured 2 teams attempting to bolster their lineups with the addition of some extra players.

The Warriors smartly raided the Battlers bench for some added firepower, upping their talent level by roughly 45%. The Aces on the other hand dug deep into the farm system and recruited... a pirate and a surfer. Ok then.

I've been drunk since November

Whoa.

“I did feel like a right Barney out there tonight” said part-time surfer / mountaineer / hotelier Joe P after the game. “It’s been ages since I had the skates on and the ice did feel a bit blown out. Not exactly a choka night for me, dude, and I was totally noodled by the end of it. But it was ripper seeing the lads again, totally bueno.”

“Yar, ‘twas righteous and glory-ful to be back on the frozen water again, to be sure” croaked former school teacher and now neo-pirate Al H once the final handshakes had been dispensed with. “I did me best to hold things down abaft, but me skates felt like they was full of lead dubloons and me arse was run aground by the third period. I also ran out of rum in me water bottle.”

By now you may have guessed the outcome of the game. The Blackshirts had a 2-1 lead in the third but insisted on playing in the Polite Style and watched as the Battlers-enhanced Warriors squad pulled even and then ahead in the final 30 seconds.

Pirates and surfers could not make up for the missing Aces on the night - Mark, Simon, Rod, Gerry and Artie. A strong game in the nets by John was similarly wasted.

The good news is the Aces have locked up first place on the season, so a revenge rematch with the stock model Warriors is on the horizon in the first round of the playoffs. Only one more regular season game until then, and the Aces are rumoured to be icing a squad that includes a chef, a yeti, a drag queen, a ski jumper and a baby.

A Valentine's Day Poem

Roses are red,
Hockey pucks black.
The Aces were down,
And then they came back.

Aces 4, Battlers 4.

Goals: Joe 2N, Pete T, Mark, Rich

Thank you and good night.

Aces Math Lesson

Welcome, students, to Aces Math Online. This week's lesson: functions and graphing.

Please study the chart below:

This chart represents the Aces' most recent game against perennial doormats the Warriors. It shows the relative number of Fucks Given by each team as the game progressed. This game finished with a final score of approximately 10-2 in favour of everyone's favourite team, the Black Aces.

X-axis = Aces Goals Scored,  Y-axis = Fucks Given per Player

In it you'll see that there are 2 lines, one for the Aces (the black line, naturally) and one for the Warriors (the white line). Each line represents how many fucks each player on each team was giving during the game as the score progressed from 0-0 to 10-2.

Let's examine the trendline over the course of the game. The curves can be expressed using the function F(g) = Fucks(given)

Score: 0-0
At the start of the game, all players were giving a fuck. One fuck per player.

Score: Aces 1, Warriors 0
Aces F(g) = 1
Warriors F(g) = 1

Both teams still pretty much in the game, fucks-given-wise. The Warriors however are already starting to give fewer fucks, with only 0.9 of a fuck given per player. This is expressed as "0.9 F(g)/player".

Score: Aces 2, Warriors 0
Aces F(g) = 1
Warriors F(g) = 0.9

Aces are all still giving a fuck at 100% of capacity, while the Warriors have dipped again to 0.7 F(g)/player. That didn't take long, did it?


Score: Aces 4, Warriors 0
Aces F(g) = 1
Warriors F(g) = 0.3

The Aces are all still totally into this game, no decrease in Fucks Given at all. The Warriors though have already pretty much checked out, as we can see with their very low value of 0.3 F(g)/player. In reality not all Warriors players were at this low level; their goaltender was still at the F(g)=1 level, and since the team score is an average, this means that other Warriors players were actually below 0.3 F(g).

Score: Aces 7, Warriors 0
Aces F(g) = 0.7
Warriors F(g) = 0.1

Now we see something interesting. With the game now out of reach, Aces players are starting to give fewer fucks, as we see with their rating of only 0.7 F(g)/player. Remember this is an average. Some Aces were still giving all the fucks, while others were thinking about skiing and wondering what type of beers would be available after the game. The Warriors are all but dead by now with even their goalie barely giving any fucks whatsoever.

Final Score Aces 10, Warriors 2
Aces F(g) = 0.0
Warriors F(g) = 0.0

Here we see a state of convergence, as clearly shown in the graph. Not a single player on either team is giving even a partial fuck about this game now.

Next Week: Probability and the Playoffs.

Class dismissed.

This week: early game vs the Battlers.

Who isn't giving a fuck this week? Let the team know. Also, who has the beer? We all give a fuck about that.