Operation Snowfall Urgent Update

I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT A 'BATTLER' IS!!!

To:
Kxx Gxxxxx, Director, DARPA Experimental Cybernetics Division
From:
Jxxx Mxxxxxxxx, Special Field Agent, US Army Intelligence (Northern Territory)

Subject: possible recovery of missing cybernetic warfare unit

Dear Director Gxxxxx,

Please be advised that on November 18, 2015 at approximately 22:00 hours, our remote SIGINT listening array at location lat 43.7, lon -79.4 (Toronto Canada) initiated an automated Level 5 alarm, indicating the presence of a missing top secret experimental cybernetic warfare unit, in this instance the highly classified and dangerous Marktronic 5000 unit.

If you will refer to the file CWU-77465 attached with this message you will see that the Marktronic 5000 was originally developed as part of ‘Operation Snowfall’, the army’s classified plan to invade Canada. Each Marktronic 5000 unit was programmed to destroy key targets on command, but was also programmed to infiltrate Canadian society until the invasion go-ahead was given by the Pentagon. Certain skills specific to Canadians were programmed into each unit as cover - shoveling snow, apologizing, the ability to drink something called a ‘double double’. There were 12 units deployed, but when the invasion plans were cancelled only 11 were recovered. That was in 1998. Marktronic 5000 Unit #12 has been missing ever since.

Our electronic listening system’s alarm was triggered last week when Unit #12’s specific Canadian Skill - in this case, the ability to excel at ice hockey - went into overdrive during local hockey team the Black Aces’ 7-4 win over COTHL rivals the Bloor Battlers. 

The Marktronic 5000 Unit #12 scored 5 times during that game, far outpacing the rest of the team (for the record, I should also add that additional goals were scored by Joe D and Rod P). We believe that it’s self-control chip may be malfunctioning. If this is true, it must be recovered as soon as possible, or mass carnage may result. If the chip shuts down completely the entire city could be in danger of being scored upon repeatedly until complete social breakdown results.

I recommend putting Plan ZG416 into operation immediately. Please refer to the attached file EMERG-MU12-ZG for full operational details. In brief the plan calls for the immediate deployment of Special Sleeper Agent Axxxxx Fxx, aka ‘Zamboni Girl’, who coincidentally has been maintaining contact with the Black Aces team since the 2014-2015 season. 

I await your instructions in this most urgent matter, as the next game is only 48 hours from now.

A Black Aces Pictorial

A hockey team, much like a fine automobile or a Swiss watch actually made in Switzerland, is a finely tuned machine. Take away a key component and things will rapidly break down. The Black Aces learned this the hard way in their latest game, as they took the ice without a vital piece of their carefully architected team - a man who can always be counted on to provide timely scoring and seemingly magical moves when the Aces need it most. I’m speaking of course about Aubrey S, who for the past 2 weeks has been on a mission abroad to secure the team its much-needed supply of delicious Indian beer.

How did the Aces do against the Battlers this past week? Perhaps this brief pictorial presentation will explain.

Thus ends the Aces 11 game undefeated streak. So now what?