Pope Benedict XVI Says Farewell Church, Hello Aces

I'm doing the Wave!

The following is an excerpt from the farewell speech given today by Pope Benedict XVI (aka Joey Ratz) upon his retirement from his position as head of the Roman Catholic Church.

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Venerable Brothers in the Episcopate and in the Priesthood! Distinguished Authorities! Dear brothers and sisters! Thank you for coming in such large numbers to this last General Audience of my pontificate.

I had originally prepared a lovely speech to bid you farewell as I take my leave of the, what do you call it, the Pope thing. Some friendly banter with the Cardinals, a big shout out to God, that sort of thing. However, today I feel it is my responsibility to reveal to you the real reason I’m stepping away from the job.

No, I’m not rejoining the Nazi Party. I don’t like those skinheads, they kind of freak me out to tell you the truth. And it’s nothing to do with inappropriate touching of boys. I’m an old man now, all that’s in the past. Belated apologies to quite a number of altar boys though, the full list is posted on my personal blog if you’re interested.

The real reason I’m taking off the Big Hat is that I’ve decided to devote whatever months or years remain in this material life to supporting the Black Aces Hockey Club of Toronto Canada in their quest to regain the glory that was once theirs.

In recent weeks it seems that God has once again favoured the team, as they have won 3 games in succession. Oh and speaking of succession, a new Pope will be announced very soon I’m told. Personally I’m pulling for Ben Affleck. Did you see him at the Oscars? Such a handsome man… where was I again? Oh yes, the Aces. Three wins in a row.

Earlier in the season I received a special request from Al H. the team Chaplain requesting a special prayer for the team. They were struggling with their dedication to the game of ice hockey, as many of our flock also struggle with the great questions of life; is there a God? Why am I here? What’s this weird lump on my neck? Whatever happened to Paul F?

At first, it seemed as if the Aces had been forsaken. Wins were scarce, absent even. Their faith in Wednesday night hockey itself perhaps called into question. Then, a miracle! New players arrived, seemingly from heaven. Goals were scored, shots were saved, and a win materialized like the Blessed Virgin’s face on a piece of freshly toasted rye bread.

I continued to pray for the team and 2 more wins were bestowed upon them, including last week’s 3-2 victory over the first place Battlers, with goals by new man Dave (2) and veteran Mike (1). Glorious indeed.

And so we come to the end of one era, and the beginning of another. A new Pope will be chosen to lead the Church, and I will continue to watch over the Black Aces as they walk their path of righteousness towards a decent showing in the COTHL playoffs.

May God bless all of you. Go Aces.

Aces Win Triggers Celestial Fireworks Display by God Himself

Last week it was United States President Barack Obama giving some unexpected praise to local hockey team the Black Aces, this week it seems the team has caught the attention of God Himself.

As most of the world prepared for the uncomfortably close fly-by of asteroid 2012 DA14, a second more spectacular event took place in the skies over the Siberian city of Chelyabinsk. A 7000 ton chunk of space rock broke apart over the city, shattering windows with a sonic boom and providing a spectacular display of celestial pyrotechnics.

"This event it is spektakular, yes!" shouted local potato salesman Dmitri Popwunov over the sound of sirens, as paramedics rushed to treat the over 1,000 local people injured by shattering glass "And kan mean only one thing - Black Aces have won second victory in row! God is very please!"

In fact, Russian scientists are in agreement, confirming that it was indeed God who sent the meteorite to earth and not some minor sky deity like, say Egyptian god Horus, who is clearly too old and tired to have pulled off something this big. "We are confirming yes, was Christian God sending big rock to explode over our city." said Russian nuclear scientist and quantum theologian Viktor Hametov "No way can be some little shit god like Horus who cannot even make fart any more. Beside, Horus big fan of Warriors and Aces defeat Warriors 4-1 like playing against little girl team. God very happy for Aces, yes."

 

The 4-1 victory was indeed the blackshirts second W in as many weeks, as the team made excellent use of a couple of call-ups from the farm club in Don Mills, both of whom tallied for the Aces. The other 2 goals were scored by Rod and Ralph, and the Aces D men shut the Warriors down almost completely.

Team astrophysicist Aubrey S provided solid goaltending all night long as regular goalie Raj C was in hospital having several dozen tattoos of former girlfriends' names lasered off. Other notable absences:

Simon: in Ghana for the 2nd week in a row, working on a Harlem Shake video
Rich: trapped in a hot tub in the Rockies
Brian: still thinks the games are on thursday
Paul: contract negotiations are stalled
Joe 2N: did not finish ironing Kathleen Wynne's pantsuits in time for the game
Joe H: busy recruiting massage therapists for off-season training camp
Bruce: has been asked to consult on selection of new pope

Obama Praises Black Aces in State of the Union Address

In a move that has US news networks baffled, United States President Barack Obama took some time during his State of the Union address this evening to send a message of encouragement to a group of middle-aged amateur hockey players in Toronto Canada.

The State of the Union address is normally reserved for topics of importance to the United States, and for the most part Obama did keep to his script. Infrastructure, early childhood education, the economy and even climate change were key touchpoints during the speech. About half way through, however, the President appeared to veer from his prepared notes to talk about the Black Aces Hockey Club. Here's an excerpt.

"Now let me just say that in these challenging times, we all look for inspiration. We look for role models, people who can serve as a template for achievement and success. We often look to our athletic heroes as examples of what the human spirit can achieve when we allow ourselves to dream, and to reach for the stars. This past week I myself was inspired by a tremendous group of men from Toronto Canada, who somehow, against all odds, managed to put together 3 full periods of ice hockey against a bitter rival team. These brave men fought against their own terrible limitations - old age, injuries, a complete lack of hockey sense in some cases - and brought home their first victory of 2013, 5 to 2 over the Wyse Guys.

"Now some of you may also be facing a similar lack of talent, or poor health, or just a garden variety addiction to prescription crystal meth. Maybe you feel helpless, like your life can never turn around. I say to you, 'you're probably right, but if the Aces can bring home a win then maybe you can too'.  And so I ask you now, Democrats and Republicans alike, to join me in sending a big shout-out to my homeboys the Black Aces. Good luck in the playoffs you guys!"

This is how many games the Aces have won this year.

Obama then returned to the rest of his speech, summarized here for those who did not catch the event as it unfolded:

• America is great
• Republicans: total douchebags
• Guns are bad, unless they are killing Afghanistanianistas
• Fuck you Ted Nugent
• Jeff is bringing the beer this week
• Thank you and good night

What's Your Excuse?

Local hockey team the Black Aces continue to struggle in what some observers are calling their worst season in living memory in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League. Their most recent game (a 5-2 loss to the Battlers) was another in what is becoming a longish string of losing efforts, partly due to the team's inability to ice a full squad from week to week.

Missing Aces players have struggled to come up with all kinds of original excuses for not being there at game time, so in the interest of saving players time and effort, the Black Aces blog proudly presents the Wheel of Excuses. Did you miss the most recent game? Don't sweat it, friend, simply give the wheel a spin and call it in.

Sources close to the Aces blogging department say the Wheel of Excuses should be available as an app in the very near future. Blackberry only.