Monday, December 17, 2012

Aces Sweeten the Pot

In a desperate attempt to fill some gaps in their depleted roster this year, local hockey team the Black Aces are rumoured to be offering some special signing bonuses to any eligible player who joins the team.

All this can be yours, potential Aces players.


Their most recent game, a 4-2 loss to the Battlers, sparked the new strategy as the boys in black attempted unsuccessfully to woo 2 fill-in players from the Warriors to the squad. Though they could not convince the new blood to join the team, a recruiting plan was born.

The size and awesomeness of the bonus follows a sliding scale, with more talented players potentially in line for some sweet sweet deals.

What can newly minted Aces players expect if they do ink a deal? This:

A high-scoring power forward: 
  • Choice of spots in the dressing room 
  • A ride to and from the game in a helicopter
  • No ‘beer duties’. Ever. 
  • Paulina Gretzky’s home phone number 
A hard-working utility winger: 
  • A spot by the heater in the dressing room (unless taken by a high-scoring power forward)
  • A ride to and from the game in a stretch hummer 
  • First choice of the imported beer after the game
  • Jennifer Hedger’s home phone number 
  • A personalized inspirational pre-game mixtape by Raj C. 
A 50% winning percentage centreman: 
  •  a fresh roll of black hockey tape 
  • a ride to (but not from) the game in a Prius
  • a signed copy of ‘Hockey Stories and Stuff’ by Don Cherry 
  • Christie Blatchford's home phone number
  • a new water bottle 
 A 60-ish beer league lifer with a successful landscaping business: 
  • hand written directions to Phil White Arena 
  • Stompin Tom’s ‘The Good Old Hockey Game’ on 8-track 
  • Frank D’angelo’s home phone number
The Aces are hopeful that this new strategy will net them some fresh legs for the second half of the season, or as some on the team prefer to call it, 'ski season'.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Aces Look to Bolster Roster


Following their latest loss to the Wyse Guys and in an attempt to revive what has been a mostly mediocre 2012-2013 COTHL season, local hockey team the Black Aces have been holding secret tryouts for prospective new players. 

The initial turnout was whelming, as tens of players expressed interest in donning the fabled black jersey. However, once they realized that this would not be a paid position but would in fact be more like an internship, most of those prospects suddenly found other more pressing commitments. The following is a breakdown of the remaining potential skaters:

Fuck all y'all, y'all!
Name: Honey Boo Boo
Nickname: Honey Boo Boo
Age: 6
Height: 3’ 3”
Weight: 135 lbs
Pros: mean as a swamp gator
Cons: she’s 6
Odds of making the team: 50/50


HULKMAYOR SMASH!
Name: Rob Ford
Nickname: Coach, Fat Fuck, Dumbass, His Honour the Mayor
Age: 40+
Height: 5’10”
Weight: 320 lbs
Pros: stubborn, strong, plays a simple game, not too busy right now
Cons: not a team player, blood pressure is 180/60, can only play the right wing
Odds of making the team: only 1 in 10 but he can make some calls



Aces? We thought you said asses.
Name: Steven and Chris
Age: won’t tell
Height: 185 cm each
Weight: 130 kilos combined
Pros: play as a D pair, smooth skaters, good ‘stickhandlers’
Cons: want to give the team a makeover, take forever in the shower
Odds of making the team: 2 in 15





That's right beyatches, the ring is mine.
Name: Bilbo Baggins
Age: 135
Height: 4’ 1”
Weight: 80 lbs
Pros: low centre of gravity, has the One Ring of Power
Cons: constantly followed by ringwraiths, film crews, nerds
Odds of making the team: pretty good, actually.



God I am so tired...
Name: Leonard Cohen
Age: 79
Height: 6’ 1”
Weight: 120 lbs
Pros: he’s Leonard fucking Cohen
Cons: may be too mellow for hockey
Odds of making the team: not good, he’s on tour right now.






I'm older than Cohen in cat years
Name: Richard the cat
Age: 14
Height: about 8 inches
Weight: 18 lbs
Pros: not declawed
Cons: sleeps 20 hours a day, frightened of loud noises
Odds of making the team: pretty good, but only the taxi squad



This is how many games the Aces have won!
Name: Chad Kroeger
Age: 37
Height: 5’ 10”
Weight: 185 lbs
Pros: Canadian, super rich, awesome hair
Cons: fronts Nickelback, married to Avril Lavigne, is from Alberta
Odds of making the team: reasonable, given the rest of the field