A Letter to the Aces From Former Mayor Rob Ford

Dear Aces HC, 

Rob Ford here. I know you have been having an up and down season this year, so I thought I would write to you and offer my services to see if we can turn this thing around. Believe you me, I know what it’s like to have ups and downs. One minute you’re high fiving Don Cherry at City Hall, the next you’re calling 911 on some fat broad from the CBC. One day you’re ripping out some bike lanes that the good folks of Etobicoke never wanted on Jarvis Street, the next day you’re in trouble for speed dialling the head of the TTC just to see where your bus is. I don’t get it.

Anyway, now that I’m no longer the mayor I have a few extra hours each week to put into community activities. With the Don Bosco Eagles sidelined until next season now too, I’m looking for a team to coach. I know you’re not underpriveleged black kids or anything, but I heard you have one guy  on the team who’s like brown or something so we should be able to use that to our advantage when I muscle my business contacts for donations to the team. I'm pretty sure I still have some city letterhead left.

My brother Doug says I should lay low for a while and get ready for the next election in 2014, but I can’t spend every day at the sticker factory like he wants me to. Those guys in the loading dock are kind of mean to me on account of my weight, and the fact that I’m pretty much a total idiot. So I’m definitely free on wednesday nights. Plus I’m pretty sure there’s a KFC not far from Phil White Arena, so it’s a win-win for everyone.

Ok I have to go now, my cell phone is ringing again. Probably Ford Nation telling me how I should still be mayor so I can fight for that subway to Scarborough, or maybe it’s - oh wait, it’s that bitch Karen Stintz calling to laugh at me again for getting myself fired. Screw her, I’m not picking up.

So have someone give me a call, ok? Or come on down to the sticker factory any time and we’ll talk. 

Go Aces! Ford for coach! Also, Subways!

What a week.

Aces, Ice-Holes Stun Warriors

In their November 14 game, COTHL team the Black Aces pulled out a surprisingly one-sided victory against a heavily favoured  Warriors squad. 

A dejected Warriors team could barely muster the energy to open their Molson 67 ‘beers’ after the game, so disheartened were they to lose 6-1 to a team one Warrior allegedly described as ‘a bunch of geezers’.  Meanwhile in the Aces room the winners were busy shotgunning tallboys and re-enacting all the best scenes from Fight Club like real men.

“We just couldn’t get it going tonight” said a sad-faced Warriors player after the game, trying without success to crush his ’67 can. “Every time we put some pressure on we had to stop to repair a hole in the ice. It was like we were cursed or something.”

Regarding the poor ice conditions, this reporter has learned that there may have been more to it than dumb luck. Sources that cannot be named have come forward to say that the Aces pre-game routine now eschews a chalk talk and random ski reports for a more focused agenda of direct appeal to various deities, gods, saints, and demons. Unconfirmed reports have the men in black performing the following rituals in the days leading up to wednesdays:

Aubrey: prays to Saint Plante, patron saint of backup goaltenders

Ralph: sacrifices a raccoon in honour of Erishkigal, Sumerian goddess of the underworld

Joe 2 Names: performs a ritual fire dance to favour Ometeotl, Aztec god of duality (which gives him the ability to play either forward or defense)

Simon: provides vintage pornography to Sven, Norse god of ice-holes, pictured below.

mina kulor är frysta fast

Goal scorers: Toshi, Bruce (2), Rich, Brian, and maybe Joe.

Other highlights

The Aces once again wave goodbye to team sponsor and vicarious lifestyle provider Joe P as he jets off to warmer climes to continue his new career as hotel chambermaid ‘trainer’. 

Be nice to Brian M this week if he lines up facing the wrong way. He may not be fully recovered from taking a huge hit to the noggin in last week’s game. Just turn him around to face the other team’s net and he’ll be good to go.