All D Format Almost Pays Off for Aces

Another light turnout forced local hockey team the Black Aces to ice a new, some would say radical, lineup configuration in their latest COTHL game.

Shunning the traditional approach of putting forwards on the forward line and defencemen on defence, the Aces decided to roll the dice by sending two of their top D-men to a line with veteran  centre Rich W.

"Putting only forwards on the forward line is so last century" said team semiotician and Roland Barthes scholar Bruce H "These ossified structures have ceased to have any validity in the post postmodern era and so we reject them in favour of something more fluid, more dynamic, and ultimately more satisfying."

The Aces' post post modern gambit was only partially successful, as they earned a 4-4 tie with their cross town rivals the Warriors. Also, 3 of the 4 goals came from Aces forward Ralph R,  who apparently did not get the memo about the new configuration, and who may not have read the week's assigned reading, "A Semiotic Analysis of Modern Ice Hockey Positional Configurations in Recreational Amateur Competition" by Ferdinand de Saussure. The other goal was scored by your scribe and temporary right winger, who did read the assigned reading, albeit 18 years ago in university semiotics class.

Between the pipes for a second straight week was team dance instructor Aubrey S, whose off-ice work with the Toronto Blue Jays' fielding coach paid off in at least one nice catch.

Next weeks' reading assignment.

Aces HC Wake from Off-Season Slumber, Slaughter Wyse Guys

SSKREEEEEONGK!!!

In a development that has their tens of fans excited and relieved, local hockey club the Black Aces now appear to have woken from their golf-induced off-season torpor and are ready to play some hockey.

Unlike their first couple of performances this season, their latest contest saw the Aces deliver a decisive blow to COTHL rivals the Wyse Guys, hammering the men in red 8-3.

"I figure we've got 3 more games of good hockey in us" said team astrophysicist Bruce H after the game. "After that, ski season begins and we lose focus again until the spring. Usually until just after the playoffs."

Team guitar technician Paul F was not in the lineup against the Wyse Guys, but texted his agreement with Bruce's statement from a beach in Hawaii. "yah ski season is next, lol - then no time 4 hockey NE more :P"

The Aces were led by a 4 goal outburst from team pastry chef Brian M, followed by Mike K, Ralph R with another beauty, Bob D on the reacharound wraparound, and finally team sherpa wrangler and sponsor Joe P in his final game before continuing his world tour of leisure activity hotspots.

Amateur goalie Aubrey S was called up from the farm club to fill in for the missing Raj C, and outplayed his opposite number on the red squad by approximately 1100% in spite of refusing to catch a single puck all night. Well played, sir.

USADA Lance Armstrong Investigation Expands

In a dramatic new development, the recent investigation by USADA into the systematic use of performance-enhancing drugs by American cyclist Lance Armstrong has expanded to include local hockey team the Black Aces.

After a 3 goal outburst in the Aces' most recent game (a 6-4 victory over the Battlers), forward Ralph R has come under the scrutiny of the American doping watchdog agency.

"Ralph has never failed a drug test."

"This is a classic pattern we see many times with athletes using performance-enhancing substances" said USADA investigator Jim Wallace. "Long stretches of average performance followed suddenly by an outburst of achievement. Mr. R's hat-trick against the Battlers has caught our attention and we'll be interviewing him soon. We will also be asking him to pee into a bottle."

The hat-trick in question was indeed a beauty, with Ralph firing 2 of his 3 goals firmly into the top shelf of the Battlers' net. League records do not go back far enough to record when he last had a 3 goal night. Other goals were provided by Brian (2) and Aubrey (1).

Armstrong himself is coming to the defense of the Aces forward, stating that he has complete confidence that he will be found innocent of all charges. "Ralph has actually been following the same training system that powered me to a record 7 consecutive Tour de France victories" said Armstrong last week. "The key component of which is 'don't eat 8 slices of pizza right before a race, or in Ralph's case, a hockey game."

Aces Make Surprise Signing

In a move designed to bolster their ranks for the 2012-2013 season, local hockey club the Black Aces have reportedly signed controversial Guantanamo Bay inmate and non-skater Omar Khadr to the team.

Al, Joe, Omar, Raj, Aubrey.

"There's been some kind of a mix-up, actually." said Aces chief scout and contract negotiator Al H in a press conference earlier today. "I meant to sign Nazim Khadri of the Toronto Maple Leafs but by mistake I signed Omar Khadr instead. I'm not very good with ethnic names. Sorry about that."

Khadr is said to be thrilled with his contract, which pays him no money but does entitle him to one tallboy per week, to be consumed in a change room with a dozen or so other half-naked men. No word on whether or not he knows what a tallboy is.

In other hockey news, a Khadr-less Aces team fell 4-2 to league rivals the Warriors. The Aces got off to a quick start, scoring on their first shot on goal, but then decided to ease up for the rest of the first 2 periods. After falling behind 3-1, the blackshirts did put together a decent 3rd period. A goal from team Imam Aubrey S made it appear close for a time but the Warriors bagged another near the end to put the Aces out of their misery.

Aces Get Monkey Off Their Back

Regular readers of the Black Aces report will of course remember how close the team came last season to perfecting the last-minute collapse. On 2 occasions down the stretch run last year the Aces almost pulled it off, but managed to escape with 2 points in spite of their best efforts to come from ahead.

Well, good news, everyone! The men in black have finally nailed it, and in their first game of the 2012-2013 season.

After a see-saw 44 minutes with the Wyse Guys, the Aces were tied 4-4 going into the last minute of play. A scramble around the net resulted in that elusive late game goal for the enemy, and a 5-4 defeat for the blackshirts, squandering a 3 goal night by newcomer Alex and a 1 goal night by Mike K.

Sad, you say? Disappointing? NO! By finally securing the last minute loss the Aces now no longer have that particular monkey on their collective back. They are free to stop fucking around in their own end as the game draws to a close, free to not give it away in hopes of watching their opponents bury one just before the buzzer, and free clear the puck up the boards instead of dumping it into the slot as the clock ticks down.

Free at last, bitches! Joe, get a shot of this!

The rest of the season should be smooth sailing.