Aces Diagnosed with OCD

Local hockey team the Black Aces have officially been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or OCD, after their latest unsuccessful bid to move past the first round of the COTHL playoffs.

Doctors made the diagnosis after detecting patterns in the Aces' regular season and playoff results over the past 4 seasons. Each year during that time the team finished in first place during the regular season, then lost in the first round of the playoffs, often involving an overtime decision.

"I feel that the team is suffering from a classic case of OCD" said world-renowned behavioural disorder specialist Dr. Klaus von Klaus "They appear to be compelled to repeat the same action over and over again. One or two years of this repetitive behaviour may be a coincidence, but if I were the team's mother I would be very worried indeed."

Other specialists are concerned that the team may also be exhibiting signs of Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism that appears to be on the rise. Dr von Klaus agreed with this assessment, saying "The intense focus on a single topic of interest, in this case skiing, could indicate the presence of Aspergers or Aspergers-like symptoms. The Aces seem to talk of nothing else in the dressing room, even after losing critical games. This is troubling."

Did you know there have been 9 meters of snow at Whistler this year?

This year's early playoff exit came at the hands of the last place but suddenly formidable Bloor Battlers, whose team was stocked with seldom-seen talent and their usual playoff goalie. The Aces fought them to a 4-4 regulation draw on goals by Joe, Ralph, Bruce and finally Andrew (with 14 seconds left in the 3rd) but were overwhelmed in the extra period 4 on 4. Having two key players tossed from the game (Al for too many penalties, Glenn for a round of fisticuffs) did not help.

The Aces have the week off to fill their new prescriptions for Zoloft before returning for the final game of the season on March 21st.

Dirty Tricks Alleged in Latest Aces Win

"Your game is in Pickering"

After their latest shellacking of COTHL rivals the Wyse Guys, local hockey club the Black Aces stand accused by their opponents of employing political style tactics to get the win.

"I was robo-called" said Wyse Guys top scorer Bob 'Soft Hands' McSniper "and told the game had changed locations due to a flood at the Phil White Arena. I was sent to Art Thompson Arena in Pickering. By the time I figured out I'd been duped I had already downed 3 beers and hot dog. It was too late."

The Wyse Guys appeared to be missing a number of key players in addition to McSniper, and rumours of more robo-calls have been circulating. The Aces deny all charges.

"The Black Aces are not a part of any illegal activities" said team spokesthing Paul F via video conference call after the game. "We categorically deny involvement in this. In fact, we believe the calls to be the work of the Wyse Guys themselves, as part of a pre-playoff smear campaign against the Aces."

Dirty tricks or no, the Aces put together a near flawless game, crushing the red shirts 7-1. The final would have been a shutout but for a last minute goal that several Aces had a front row seat for but did nothing to prevent. Gastarbeiter goaltender Brent X held the enemy off the scoresheet with a double pronged approach: excellent netminding and an equipment pong so deadly as to keep most opponents well away from the net.

Not so for the Wyse Guys keeper, whom the Aces hit up for several questionable goals over the course of the night in spite of missing some of their own best snipers.

The Aces finish the season once again in first place as they have in several previous seasons. They'll be hoping to continue their success into the post season this time, which begins Wednesday March 7. As a gesture of solidarity, team life coach Joe P will be performing some extra hard surfing moves down in Mexico on the 7th.

Go Aces!