Aces Sweeten the Pot

In a desperate attempt to fill some gaps in their depleted roster this year, local hockey team the Black Aces are rumoured to be offering some special signing bonuses to any eligible player who joins the team.

All this can be yours, potential Aces players.

Their most recent game, a 4-2 loss to the Battlers, sparked the new strategy as the boys in black attempted unsuccessfully to woo 2 fill-in players from the Warriors to the squad. Though they could not convince the new blood to join the team, a recruiting plan was born.

The size and awesomeness of the bonus follows a sliding scale, with more talented players potentially in line for some sweet sweet deals.

What can newly minted Aces players expect if they do ink a deal? This:

A high-scoring power forward: 

• Choice of spots in the dressing room 
• A ride to and from the game in a helicopter
• No ‘beer duties’. Ever. 
• Paulina Gretzky’s home phone number 

A hard-working utility winger: 

• A spot by the heater in the dressing room (unless taken by a high-scoring power forward)
• A ride to and from the game in a stretch hummer 
• First choice of the imported beer after the game
• Jennifer Hedger’s home phone number 
• A personalized inspirational pre-game mixtape by Raj C. 

A 50% winning percentage centreman: 

•  a fresh roll of black hockey tape 
• a ride to (but not from) the game in a Prius
• a signed copy of ‘Hockey Stories and Stuff’ by Don Cherry 
• Christie Blatchford's home phone number
• a new water bottle 

 A 60-ish beer league lifer with a successful landscaping business: 

• hand written directions to Phil White Arena 
• Stompin Tom’s ‘The Good Old Hockey Game’ on 8-track 
• Frank D’angelo’s home phone number

The Aces are hopeful that this new strategy will net them some fresh legs for the second half of the season, or as some on the team prefer to call it, 'ski season'.

Aces Look to Bolster Roster

Following their latest loss to the Wyse Guys and in an attempt to revive what has been a mostly mediocre 2012-2013 COTHL season, local hockey team the Black Aces have been holding secret tryouts for prospective new players. 

The initial turnout was whelming, as tens of players expressed interest in donning the fabled black jersey. However, once they realized that this would not be a paid position but would in fact be more like an internship, most of those prospects suddenly found other more pressing commitments. The following is a breakdown of the remaining potential skaters:

Fuck all y'all, y'all!

Name: Honey Boo Boo

Nickname: Honey Boo Boo

Age: 6

Height: 3’ 3”

Weight: 135 lbs

Pros: mean as a swamp gator

Cons: she’s 6

Odds of making the team: 50/50

HULKMAYOR SMASH!

Name: Rob Ford

Nickname: Coach, Fat Fuck, Dumbass, His Honour the Mayor

Age: 40+

Height: 5’10”

Weight: 320 lbs

Pros: stubborn, strong, plays a simple game, not too busy right now

Cons: not a team player, blood pressure is 180/60, can only play the right wing

Odds of making the team: only 1 in 10 but he can make some calls

Aces? We thought you said asses.

Name: Steven and Chris

Age: won’t tell

Height: 185 cm each

Weight: 130 kilos combined

Pros: play as a D pair, smooth skaters, good ‘stickhandlers’

Cons: want to give the team a makeover, take forever in the shower

Odds of making the team: 2 in 15

That's right beyatches, the ring is mine.

Name: Bilbo Baggins

Age: 135

Height: 4’ 1”

Weight: 80 lbs

Pros: low centre of gravity, has the One Ring of Power

Cons: constantly followed by ringwraiths, film crews, nerds

Odds of making the team: pretty good, actually.

God I am so tired...

Name: Leonard Cohen

Age: 79

Height: 6’ 1”

Weight: 120 lbs

Pros: he’s Leonard fucking Cohen

Cons: may be too mellow for hockey

Odds of making the team: not good, he’s on tour right now.

I'm older than Cohen in cat years

Name: Richard the cat

Age: 14

Height: about 8 inches

Weight: 18 lbs

Pros: not declawed

Cons: sleeps 20 hours a day, frightened of loud noises

Odds of making the team: pretty good, but only the taxi squad

This is how many games the Aces have won!

Name: Chad Kroeger

Age: 37

Height: 5’ 10”

Weight: 185 lbs

Pros: Canadian, super rich, awesome hair

Cons: fronts Nickelback, married to Avril Lavigne, is from Alberta

Odds of making the team: reasonable, given the rest of the field

A Letter to the Aces From Former Mayor Rob Ford

Dear Aces HC, 

Rob Ford here. I know you have been having an up and down season this year, so I thought I would write to you and offer my services to see if we can turn this thing around. Believe you me, I know what it’s like to have ups and downs. One minute you’re high fiving Don Cherry at City Hall, the next you’re calling 911 on some fat broad from the CBC. One day you’re ripping out some bike lanes that the good folks of Etobicoke never wanted on Jarvis Street, the next day you’re in trouble for speed dialling the head of the TTC just to see where your bus is. I don’t get it.

Anyway, now that I’m no longer the mayor I have a few extra hours each week to put into community activities. With the Don Bosco Eagles sidelined until next season now too, I’m looking for a team to coach. I know you’re not underpriveleged black kids or anything, but I heard you have one guy  on the team who’s like brown or something so we should be able to use that to our advantage when I muscle my business contacts for donations to the team. I'm pretty sure I still have some city letterhead left.

My brother Doug says I should lay low for a while and get ready for the next election in 2014, but I can’t spend every day at the sticker factory like he wants me to. Those guys in the loading dock are kind of mean to me on account of my weight, and the fact that I’m pretty much a total idiot. So I’m definitely free on wednesday nights. Plus I’m pretty sure there’s a KFC not far from Phil White Arena, so it’s a win-win for everyone.

Ok I have to go now, my cell phone is ringing again. Probably Ford Nation telling me how I should still be mayor so I can fight for that subway to Scarborough, or maybe it’s - oh wait, it’s that bitch Karen Stintz calling to laugh at me again for getting myself fired. Screw her, I’m not picking up.

So have someone give me a call, ok? Or come on down to the sticker factory any time and we’ll talk. 

Go Aces! Ford for coach! Also, Subways!

What a week.

Aces, Ice-Holes Stun Warriors

In their November 14 game, COTHL team the Black Aces pulled out a surprisingly one-sided victory against a heavily favoured  Warriors squad. 

A dejected Warriors team could barely muster the energy to open their Molson 67 ‘beers’ after the game, so disheartened were they to lose 6-1 to a team one Warrior allegedly described as ‘a bunch of geezers’.  Meanwhile in the Aces room the winners were busy shotgunning tallboys and re-enacting all the best scenes from Fight Club like real men.

“We just couldn’t get it going tonight” said a sad-faced Warriors player after the game, trying without success to crush his ’67 can. “Every time we put some pressure on we had to stop to repair a hole in the ice. It was like we were cursed or something.”

Regarding the poor ice conditions, this reporter has learned that there may have been more to it than dumb luck. Sources that cannot be named have come forward to say that the Aces pre-game routine now eschews a chalk talk and random ski reports for a more focused agenda of direct appeal to various deities, gods, saints, and demons. Unconfirmed reports have the men in black performing the following rituals in the days leading up to wednesdays:

Aubrey: prays to Saint Plante, patron saint of backup goaltenders

Ralph: sacrifices a raccoon in honour of Erishkigal, Sumerian goddess of the underworld

Joe 2 Names: performs a ritual fire dance to favour Ometeotl, Aztec god of duality (which gives him the ability to play either forward or defense)

Simon: provides vintage pornography to Sven, Norse god of ice-holes, pictured below.

mina kulor är frysta fast

Goal scorers: Toshi, Bruce (2), Rich, Brian, and maybe Joe.

Other highlights

The Aces once again wave goodbye to team sponsor and vicarious lifestyle provider Joe P as he jets off to warmer climes to continue his new career as hotel chambermaid ‘trainer’. 

Be nice to Brian M this week if he lines up facing the wrong way. He may not be fully recovered from taking a huge hit to the noggin in last week’s game. Just turn him around to face the other team’s net and he’ll be good to go.

All D Format Almost Pays Off for Aces

Another light turnout forced local hockey team the Black Aces to ice a new, some would say radical, lineup configuration in their latest COTHL game.

Shunning the traditional approach of putting forwards on the forward line and defencemen on defence, the Aces decided to roll the dice by sending two of their top D-men to a line with veteran  centre Rich W.

"Putting only forwards on the forward line is so last century" said team semiotician and Roland Barthes scholar Bruce H "These ossified structures have ceased to have any validity in the post postmodern era and so we reject them in favour of something more fluid, more dynamic, and ultimately more satisfying."

The Aces' post post modern gambit was only partially successful, as they earned a 4-4 tie with their cross town rivals the Warriors. Also, 3 of the 4 goals came from Aces forward Ralph R,  who apparently did not get the memo about the new configuration, and who may not have read the week's assigned reading, "A Semiotic Analysis of Modern Ice Hockey Positional Configurations in Recreational Amateur Competition" by Ferdinand de Saussure. The other goal was scored by your scribe and temporary right winger, who did read the assigned reading, albeit 18 years ago in university semiotics class.

Between the pipes for a second straight week was team dance instructor Aubrey S, whose off-ice work with the Toronto Blue Jays' fielding coach paid off in at least one nice catch.

Next weeks' reading assignment.

Aces HC Wake from Off-Season Slumber, Slaughter Wyse Guys

SSKREEEEEONGK!!!

In a development that has their tens of fans excited and relieved, local hockey club the Black Aces now appear to have woken from their golf-induced off-season torpor and are ready to play some hockey.

Unlike their first couple of performances this season, their latest contest saw the Aces deliver a decisive blow to COTHL rivals the Wyse Guys, hammering the men in red 8-3.

"I figure we've got 3 more games of good hockey in us" said team astrophysicist Bruce H after the game. "After that, ski season begins and we lose focus again until the spring. Usually until just after the playoffs."

Team guitar technician Paul F was not in the lineup against the Wyse Guys, but texted his agreement with Bruce's statement from a beach in Hawaii. "yah ski season is next, lol - then no time 4 hockey NE more :P"

The Aces were led by a 4 goal outburst from team pastry chef Brian M, followed by Mike K, Ralph R with another beauty, Bob D on the reacharound wraparound, and finally team sherpa wrangler and sponsor Joe P in his final game before continuing his world tour of leisure activity hotspots.

Amateur goalie Aubrey S was called up from the farm club to fill in for the missing Raj C, and outplayed his opposite number on the red squad by approximately 1100% in spite of refusing to catch a single puck all night. Well played, sir.

USADA Lance Armstrong Investigation Expands

In a dramatic new development, the recent investigation by USADA into the systematic use of performance-enhancing drugs by American cyclist Lance Armstrong has expanded to include local hockey team the Black Aces.

After a 3 goal outburst in the Aces' most recent game (a 6-4 victory over the Battlers), forward Ralph R has come under the scrutiny of the American doping watchdog agency.

"Ralph has never failed a drug test."

"This is a classic pattern we see many times with athletes using performance-enhancing substances" said USADA investigator Jim Wallace. "Long stretches of average performance followed suddenly by an outburst of achievement. Mr. R's hat-trick against the Battlers has caught our attention and we'll be interviewing him soon. We will also be asking him to pee into a bottle."

The hat-trick in question was indeed a beauty, with Ralph firing 2 of his 3 goals firmly into the top shelf of the Battlers' net. League records do not go back far enough to record when he last had a 3 goal night. Other goals were provided by Brian (2) and Aubrey (1).

Armstrong himself is coming to the defense of the Aces forward, stating that he has complete confidence that he will be found innocent of all charges. "Ralph has actually been following the same training system that powered me to a record 7 consecutive Tour de France victories" said Armstrong last week. "The key component of which is 'don't eat 8 slices of pizza right before a race, or in Ralph's case, a hockey game."

Aces Make Surprise Signing

In a move designed to bolster their ranks for the 2012-2013 season, local hockey club the Black Aces have reportedly signed controversial Guantanamo Bay inmate and non-skater Omar Khadr to the team.

Al, Joe, Omar, Raj, Aubrey.

"There's been some kind of a mix-up, actually." said Aces chief scout and contract negotiator Al H in a press conference earlier today. "I meant to sign Nazim Khadri of the Toronto Maple Leafs but by mistake I signed Omar Khadr instead. I'm not very good with ethnic names. Sorry about that."

Khadr is said to be thrilled with his contract, which pays him no money but does entitle him to one tallboy per week, to be consumed in a change room with a dozen or so other half-naked men. No word on whether or not he knows what a tallboy is.

In other hockey news, a Khadr-less Aces team fell 4-2 to league rivals the Warriors. The Aces got off to a quick start, scoring on their first shot on goal, but then decided to ease up for the rest of the first 2 periods. After falling behind 3-1, the blackshirts did put together a decent 3rd period. A goal from team Imam Aubrey S made it appear close for a time but the Warriors bagged another near the end to put the Aces out of their misery.

Aces Get Monkey Off Their Back

Regular readers of the Black Aces report will of course remember how close the team came last season to perfecting the last-minute collapse. On 2 occasions down the stretch run last year the Aces almost pulled it off, but managed to escape with 2 points in spite of their best efforts to come from ahead.

Well, good news, everyone! The men in black have finally nailed it, and in their first game of the 2012-2013 season.

After a see-saw 44 minutes with the Wyse Guys, the Aces were tied 4-4 going into the last minute of play. A scramble around the net resulted in that elusive late game goal for the enemy, and a 5-4 defeat for the blackshirts, squandering a 3 goal night by newcomer Alex and a 1 goal night by Mike K.

Sad, you say? Disappointing? NO! By finally securing the last minute loss the Aces now no longer have that particular monkey on their collective back. They are free to stop fucking around in their own end as the game draws to a close, free to not give it away in hopes of watching their opponents bury one just before the buzzer, and free clear the puck up the boards instead of dumping it into the slot as the clock ticks down.

Free at last, bitches! Joe, get a shot of this!

The rest of the season should be smooth sailing.

Aces Diagnosed with OCD

Local hockey team the Black Aces have officially been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or OCD, after their latest unsuccessful bid to move past the first round of the COTHL playoffs.

Doctors made the diagnosis after detecting patterns in the Aces' regular season and playoff results over the past 4 seasons. Each year during that time the team finished in first place during the regular season, then lost in the first round of the playoffs, often involving an overtime decision.

"I feel that the team is suffering from a classic case of OCD" said world-renowned behavioural disorder specialist Dr. Klaus von Klaus "They appear to be compelled to repeat the same action over and over again. One or two years of this repetitive behaviour may be a coincidence, but if I were the team's mother I would be very worried indeed."

Other specialists are concerned that the team may also be exhibiting signs of Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism that appears to be on the rise. Dr von Klaus agreed with this assessment, saying "The intense focus on a single topic of interest, in this case skiing, could indicate the presence of Aspergers or Aspergers-like symptoms. The Aces seem to talk of nothing else in the dressing room, even after losing critical games. This is troubling."

Did you know there have been 9 meters of snow at Whistler this year?

This year's early playoff exit came at the hands of the last place but suddenly formidable Bloor Battlers, whose team was stocked with seldom-seen talent and their usual playoff goalie. The Aces fought them to a 4-4 regulation draw on goals by Joe, Ralph, Bruce and finally Andrew (with 14 seconds left in the 3rd) but were overwhelmed in the extra period 4 on 4. Having two key players tossed from the game (Al for too many penalties, Glenn for a round of fisticuffs) did not help.

The Aces have the week off to fill their new prescriptions for Zoloft before returning for the final game of the season on March 21st.

Dirty Tricks Alleged in Latest Aces Win

"Your game is in Pickering"

After their latest shellacking of COTHL rivals the Wyse Guys, local hockey club the Black Aces stand accused by their opponents of employing political style tactics to get the win.

"I was robo-called" said Wyse Guys top scorer Bob 'Soft Hands' McSniper "and told the game had changed locations due to a flood at the Phil White Arena. I was sent to Art Thompson Arena in Pickering. By the time I figured out I'd been duped I had already downed 3 beers and hot dog. It was too late."

The Wyse Guys appeared to be missing a number of key players in addition to McSniper, and rumours of more robo-calls have been circulating. The Aces deny all charges.

"The Black Aces are not a part of any illegal activities" said team spokesthing Paul F via video conference call after the game. "We categorically deny involvement in this. In fact, we believe the calls to be the work of the Wyse Guys themselves, as part of a pre-playoff smear campaign against the Aces."

Dirty tricks or no, the Aces put together a near flawless game, crushing the red shirts 7-1. The final would have been a shutout but for a last minute goal that several Aces had a front row seat for but did nothing to prevent. Gastarbeiter goaltender Brent X held the enemy off the scoresheet with a double pronged approach: excellent netminding and an equipment pong so deadly as to keep most opponents well away from the net.

Not so for the Wyse Guys keeper, whom the Aces hit up for several questionable goals over the course of the night in spite of missing some of their own best snipers.

The Aces finish the season once again in first place as they have in several previous seasons. They'll be hoping to continue their success into the post season this time, which begins Wednesday March 7. As a gesture of solidarity, team life coach Joe P will be performing some extra hard surfing moves down in Mexico on the 7th.

Go Aces!

Aces Maintain Grip on First Place

In their last COTHL game, your Aces managed to maintain their grip on first place with yet another win over the last place Bloor Battlers. The Battlers, in case you were wondering, are so named not because of their battles against their opponents but rather against each other. Some sample dialogue from the Battlers' bench:

Player 1: hey, nice pass on that last shift, pal. Right in my skates, just where I like it.
Player 2: Really? How about next time I put it up your ass, where you really like it.
Player 1: I'll kill you!!
(bench fight ensues)

Player 3: Hey, buddy, you ever hear of backchecking?
Player 4: You ever hear of shutting the fuck up?
Player 3: I'll kill you!!
(bench fight ensues)

Player 5: Hey, nice shift out there bud.
Player 6: Really? Uh, thanks.
Player 5: Not really. You suck.
Player 6: I'll kill you!!
(bench fight ensues)

and so on.

Drinking Buddies.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The Aces, who are all BFFs and long time drinking buddies, sailed through the game with nary a cross word between them. So polite were they in fact that they graciously spread the scoring around as much as possible in their 7-2 win over the Battlers. Scoring for the Aces (in no particular order): Gerry, Al, Bruce, Andrew (recently returned from hip replacement surgery), and three other guys I can't actually remember. Sorry! (Aubrey maybe? Ralph?)


Also back for the game was Joe P, keeping an eye on his on-ice investment and putting a foot down on Canadian soil for tax purposes. It was good to have both Joe and Andrew back in the lineup. No word yet on the return status of Mo, Neil, Mike, Leonard or Barry.

The Aces Blogging Department would also like to send a special namaste/hello to Jane in Kerala India, our most far-away reader and mother of Joe P. We are most pleased to keep you up to date on the very important events of the Canadian sports scene. If you have to explain it to your neighbours just say it's like field hockey without the skirts. Except for the Battlers. Hiyo!!

Warriors Many, Aces Few

In what was almost certainly the darkest day of the long and storied history of the Black Aces Hockey Club, their most recent game saw the team pretty much phone one in against an amped-up Warriors squad.

The final score? Let's not talk about that, friends. Suffice to say that the Warriors scored more goals than the Aces, who scored twice. Many more goals. Rather than dwell on how our heroes could not catch a bounce, or how uncharacteristically porous the defense was, or how the forwards forgot how to backcheck, or how the best goalie in the league played like the worst, let's instead focus on the boundless source of humour that is the internet.

Behold.

If Hitler Ran the Leafs


 (sadly this video seems to no longer be available. too bad, it's a classic)

In a similar vein, Hitler reacts to the online privacy backlash:



and just for the hell of it, this:

(again a restricted video. You can watch on YouTube though)

Jaan Pehechaan Ho

Aces Close to Perfecting Last Minute Collapse

As the 2011-2012 COTHL season unfolds, the Black Aces HC creep ever closer to their goal of perfecting the last minute collapse.

3 weeks ago the team came close, but ran out of time against the Wyse Guys and skated away with a 6-5 win in spite of a late game rally from the red team.

2 weeks ago the Blackshirts handed the Warriors the game by phoning in the 3rd period, for which they have not received proper thanks as of yet.

In their latest game the Aces came tantalizingly close to the holy grail - the last-minute loss. Outplaying the Wyse Guys again but tied at 2 in the third, the men in black put together a seemingly impossible series of blunders to enable the WGs to stick one in with just 1:01 remaining. So close, and a complete waste of a lovely short-handed goal by Ralph R to tie the game and set up the loss.

Most Aces players were philosophical about the loss after the game. "I feel bad that we lost, sure" said team philatelist Gerry S, casually smoking a Gitane and sipping from a tiny crystal goblet of absynthe "but we came so close to glory, and that is the main thing, you see. Soon, well, in several billion years or so, the sun will supernova and all life on this planet will be erased and none of this will matter anyway. And that is why I smoke."

"I've been studying the pattern of these late game screwups" said team statistical analyst Bruce H "and I've discovered that we are moving ever closer to throwing games away at precisely the one minute mark in a perfectly asymptotic progression. By my calculations we should lose the next game with exactly one minute and 6 seconds remaining. Here, looks at these charts. It's fascinating, really. Hello?"

Team coach Rob Ford was somewhat less willing to accept the loss. "Technically speaking, the score is irrelevent." said Ford after the game. "The Aces want a win, that's it. It's a win. People come up to me all the time and say 'we want the Aces to win' so that's what we're going to do. The Aces win. This is not over."

City, Union Reach Tentative Deal, Aces Season Saved

The city of Toronto and union local 416 have confirmed to Aces blogger Jeff M they have a tentative deal, avoiding a major work stoppage in Toronto and saving the Aces' season in the COTHL. 

"This is both good news and bad news" said blogger Jeff after hearing of the possible deal sunday morning. "I'm happy it looks like we will be able to continue to humiliate the other teams in the league like we did last week against the Battlers, but on the other hand I have several boxes full of 'Rob Ford Can Suck It' t-shirts in my garage that I may not be able to sell to city workers now. Then again he still has 2 more years in office, so you never know."

Although terms of the deal were not available at press time, our inside sources (ie. inside my head) have revealed a few of the key details that, incredibly, directly affect the Aces HC: 

• Full medical coverage for any player leaving the team due to injury or the effects of advancing age. This clause only kicks in next season, so Andrew, Mike, Neil, Barry, Leonard and Maurice are out of luck.
• Paul F will have his league fees paid in full by the city, but only if he plays in 90% of regular season games
• all bar tabs at Ferro's will be picked up by a special 'Victory Fund' for any post-game 'conferences' held by the Aces, but only if the team wins by shutout. Again, this begins next season so no refund for last week's session after hammering the Battlers 6-0.
• the Aces will be permitted to use any ex-Leaf goaltender as a backup on the nights when regular netminder Raj is unavailable.This gives the team a potential pool of 321 backup goalies, 322 as soon as Andrew Raycroft packs it in.

Rob Ford was also extremely pleased with the outcome of the negotiations. At a press conference this morning, the mayor and sometime Aces coach said "Blah blah blah unions blah blah gravy blah blah blah blah David Miller blah blah blah ferris wheel monorail. Go Aces!"

So, to recap: 

Aces 6, Battlers 0

Battlers 2 Hissyfits, Aces 0

Battlers 1 game misconduct, Aces 0

Still no sign of Paul F
Hat trick for Brian M
Rich W's stick bags another one

Aces lay a beating on the Battlers

Tragically, Hip.

To a now long list of players retired from the illustrious ranks of the Black Aces Hockey Club we must sadly add the name Andrew Tarch. Andrew, MIA in the previous couple of games, reluctantly turned in his game jersey on wednesday and announced his retirement from the team due to the onset of arthritis in his hip.

Andrew left the door open to a return to the ice after completing the recommended physiotherapy, but for now he is officially on the permanent DL.  In the meantime Andrew will be free to enjoy his retirement by sailing his yacht, wearing sweater vests and taking loads of Cialis. His wife could not be reached for comment.

In an emotional tribute to Andrew's contributions to the team over the years, team mixologist Ralph R took a 6 minute shift in the 3rd period.

In other news, the Aces fell 5-2 to the Warriors in spite of the white team being without several of their star players. The Aces also were down a few bodies and essentially ran out of gas in the 3rd, allowing a 2-2 tie to slip away from them.

"I thought we needed just one more player out there" said team luthier Gerry S after the game. "Like, say, a rangy left winger with good speed sort of like that guy who retired tonight. What was his name again? Right, Andrew. Something like that guy."

Part time goaltender and team dry goods specialist Aubrey S. spent the night between the pipes, filling in for regular and league all-star Raj C. A solid game was not enough however. Some unlucky bounces combined with a tired squad and that was that. Aces players had to console a dejected Aubrey after the game by reminding him that the loss was not his fault, but primarily the fault of Andrew for retiring just when his team needed him most. Andrew's jersey was ceremonially burned in the parking lot after the game and doused with two tall boys of leftover Bavaria beer from 8 weeks ago.

Please also note that in case of a municipal strike (and the termination of the season due to lack of facilities staff at Phil White Arena) next week's game will be held at Ferro's. Equipment optional.

Fuck you, Cedarvale Oldtimers's Hockey League!

Aces Narrowly Avert Draft Format with Last Minute Anti-Heroics

"I choose... the kid with the Mexican villa"

In a move that will surely go down in team history, local hockey team tbe Black Aces narrowly averted a devastating League format change by executing a controlled dive in the dying minutes of their latest game.

The Aces, first of all, managed to defeat the Wyse Guys 6-5. But let's back up about one hour to the pre-game dressing room banter. Since there was still about 6 minutes to game time, most of the team was still en route to the arena. Team Spiritual Advisor and league representative Aubrey S. reported that the COTHL was considering implementing a draft for next season. Like a real league, or the NHL This did not go over well with any of the 4 players then in the room, and as the other 6 arrived in the next 3 minutes the news spread like wildfire, with similar results.

"This cannot be allowed to happen" grumbled team mink farmer Al H "I just finally learned everyone's name! I can't start over again, I just can't."

And so a plan was hatched. In order to lower their stock in the eyes of the other teams and hopefully scuttle all talk of a comeraderie-destroying draft, the Aces decided to 'take the night off'. Unfortunately the plan did not go perfectly, as the team accidentally ran up a 6-2 lead with scant minutes to play.

With no time for even a quick pow-wow, the Aces somehow were able to orchestrate a 3 goal rally for the Wyse Guys, who up to that point had looked pretty beatable. Unfortunately time was not on the Aces' side, and the Wyse Guys bagged their 5th goal with only 8 seconds to play. There would not be enough time to complete the rally after all.

Mission accomplished, however, as word of the almost total collapse must surely have spread to the other 2 teams. The team is expecting a full report from Aubrey at the next game.

God Abandons Tim Tebow in Favour of Obscure Canadian Hockey Player

Tebow tries his best to make a "W". A sign?

In an unexpected turn of events that Evangelical Christians across the United States are describing as ‘unexpected’, God, Creator of the Entire Universe and Everything In It, has unexpectedly transferred his apparently limited sporting allegiance from NFL quarterback Tim Tebow to a little-known beer league hockey player in Toronto Canada.

“I was getting tired of that Tebow character” God is reported to have Said. “All that kneeling and stuff, and the bible verses in the eye black, what is that all about? Besides, football is gay, and everyone knows I hate fags, right? Just kidding! Relax, for My sake. I don't hate the gays. You can edit that out, right?”

But football IS kind of gay.

Had Tebow supporters and bookies across America been paying more attention to the Cedarvale Oldtimers’ Hockey League last week, they would have known that his miraculous run was about to end. The Black Aces finally ended their 3 game tying streak with a 3-1 victory over the Bloor Battlers in spite of being without their all star goaltender Raj C. While this alone may fall somewhat short of qualifying as a miracle on ice, it was the continued goal scoring flurry of Aces winger and double shoulder amputee Rich W that puts the result solidly in the Deity Influenced Sporting Victory category.

In spite of seriously impaired shoulder mobility, Rich was able to pot his third goal in the last two games. He modestly attributed his success to the recent acquisition of a new carbon fiber stick, never realizing that all along it was God Himself who was guiding his hand.

“I’m not a religious man” said Rich after being told of the Divine influence on his recent scoring prowess “but thank God we had God on our side that night. I’m just sorry that millions of Christian football fans across the United States had to be disappointed on saturday.”

Experts currently disagree whether or not God will continue to bestow His bounty upon Rich and the Aces Hockey Club, but the current betting line on this week’s game is Aces by 10.

Enemy Agents Infiltrate Aces, Cause Tie

In a cunning and evil turn of events, local hockey team the Black Aces were infiltrated by agents from rival squad the Bloor Battlers in their most recent game. Several Aces players were unaccountably absent from their match against the Warriors, which necessitated the recruitment of 2 men from the night's early game.

No satisfactory reason has yet been given for the manpower shortfall, but police have been called in and continue to not investigate.

All was going well for most of the game, with the recruits doing a good job of seeming to help the blackshirts in their quest to remain at the top of the COTHL standings. Plays were made, opponents were thwarted, and although no goals were scored by the callups they looked for all intents and purposes like they were really playing for the Aces.

Which makes what happened all the more dastardly.

Up 2-1 with under a minute to play, the Aces lined up for a critical faceoff in their own zone. With the recruits safely on the bench and unable to contribute in any way, the men in black were not able to prevent the white squad from winning the draw back to their sharpest shooter, who immediately fired the puck into the Aces net for the draw.

How obvious, in retrospect. The enemy players (as they shall now be called, for that is what they most certainly were) must have been instructed to give 100%, or possibly even 110% for 99% of the game, thereby luring the Aces into a false sense of trust. Then, carefully engineering a faceoff deep in the Aces zone with only seconds to play, these evildoers were to head to the bench pleading 'tiredness', thereby leaving the hapless Aces to their own devices. Such wickedness has not been seen in the COTHL in many a season.

"What I can't believe," said team barista and goaltender Raj C afterwards "is how they just drank our beer after the game like nothing happened. They left us hanging, then enjoyed a cold beverage without blinking an eye. That's just cold."

"I've never felt so betrayed" said team aromatherapist Bruce H "as I do right now. I thought those guys were on our side, I really did. The world is a dark place, let me tell you."

The tie was the second in a row for the Black Aces, who are now re-thinking their 'compact' lineup in light of this latest result. Team depillatorialist and playing coach Aubrey S was said to be considering a mandatory attendance rule for next game. He was also said to be neck deep in a hot tub in Canmore, but that's a different story.

I know Movember is over.

Aces Give Themselves a Tie for Christmas

In their final game of 2011, local hockey team the Black Aces took the traditional route and gifted themselves a tie for the holiday season. 

Facing off against perennial rivals the Wyse Guys, the Aces once again hit the ice with their ‘compact’ lineup: 5 forwards and 3 defense, plus regular netminder Raj C between the pipes. The game was a high-paced one from start to finish, with the red shirts seemingly trying to wear the black shirts down by rolling 6 full lines of skaters plus 6 D. This tactic would prove to have little effect, however, as the Aces superior conditioning allowed them to easily keep pace with their numerous but doughy opponents.

In addition to their rigorous off-ice training regimen, the Aces also had an extra bit of inspiration up their sleeves: the recent demise of team spiritual guide and Dear Leader Kim Jong Il. 

“The Dear Leader was watching over us” said team rice technologist Rich W “we definitely felt his divine presence, especially during the 3rd period when we were down one goal to the imperialist dogs of the Wyse Guys team”. 

“In spite of the tears of sadness that filled our eyes,” added team surveillance expert Gerry S “we were able to avoid defeat at the hands of the hated enemy. Without the spiritual guidance of the Supreme Leader, this would not have been possible. If only he were alive to share in our great glory, this would be the most awesome Christmas ever. Even better than the year the wife gave me a Playstation 3.”

“I couldn’t make it to the game, I had a previous engagement” said team shrubbery inspector Paul F next day via shortwave radio “ honestly, I’m so sorry... please don’t send me to Pyongyang...”

The Black Aces are presently resting up for the 2012 stretch run to the playoffs and ultimate victory. Rumours that the team is developing a nuclear warhead are completely unfounded and are merely the musings of the left-wing blogging community and the Toronto Star. 

That's right bitches, only 5 forwards.