Great Leader Inspires Aces to 1-1 Victory

In a year marked by much turmoil, Toronto Mayor Rob "Fucking" Ford just posted a list of his "achievements" on his Facebook page. Sure there was a lot of hoopla about gravy and ferris wheels (bad and good), subway trains and bike lanes (good and bad), but Ford's real accomplishments actually took place away from City Hall.

Everyone knows Ford is a dedicated football coach, guiding troubled young men away from gangs and criminal activity and towards more wholesome pursuits like bashing skulls and showering together, but few know that Rob also takes the time to mentor another group of socially challenged athletes.

That's right, Rob Ford is the coach of the Black Aces.

Oh sure, he may not actually attend the games, but  his spirit inspires every Aces player in much the same way the spirit of the late Kim Jong Il must now be inspiring every North Korean to strive for greatness (and the South Korean border).

Here is a partial list of Coach Ford's accomplishments so far this season:

1. successfully replaced post-game gravy with real beer
2. removed 90 feet of bike lanes from the middle of the Cedarvale Arena ice surface
3. Aces now ice 25% fewer players than opposing teams while still maintaining hold on first place
4. secured Mexican operations base for mid-season rejuvenation program
5. blamed David Miller for all past losses

Point #3 was amply illustrated in the Aces most recent game against the Battlers, a hard-fought contest that saw a depleted Aces bench (5 forwards and 3 D) hold a feisty Battlers squad (2 full lines plus 4 D) off the score sheet for most of the game. The final score was regrettably 1-1, thanks not only to Mayor Ford's divine guidance but also to another standout game between the pipes for Aces netminder Raj C.

"Do the math" said a gloating Ford after the game, via cell phone. "They had 10 skaters, we had 8. That's like only half as many, so really we won 2-1. Hey! Get outta the bike lane asshole, that's my lane!"

If this trend continues the Aces should win 150% of their remaining games this season.

Do the math!

Heroic Goal Fails to Inspire Aces

In spite of scoring a goal that hockey analysts around the planet are calling 'spectacular', 'heroic', and 'whatever', Black Aces team scribe Jeff M was unable to lift his team to victory in their latest COTHL contest.

Facing off against their arch-rivals the Warriors, the Aces were coming off a convincing 8-3 shellacking of their nemesises the Wyse Guys the week before. The game began as games against the Warriors often do, with the white shirts putting on the pressure from the opening face off. The Aces relied as usual on the superb goaltending of Raj Stopalingam while they got themselves into the mood, taking long lazy skates for the first couple of shifts whilst they got warmed up and finished their beers on the bench.

Meanwhile the Warriors were burning through their pre-game Red Bulls by peppering Raj with shot after shot until Aces defender Jeff broke free in the Warriors end, cruised over the blue line and fired a quick snap shot at the Warriors net.  Seeing a juicy rebound, he powered through the towering Warriors D, only to be grappled desperately about the shoulders in a highly suspect and almost certainly illegal manner. 

Not to be denied, he was somehow (and the lack of instant replay makes this difficult to analyse, or indeed prove) able to kick the loose puck to his stick, deke the lunging goalie and shake off the Warriors defense before sliding the puck across the line from a tough angle. 

Several national newspaper reporters immediately ran to the lobby phonebooths to call in their game reports, and at least two hockey moms were seen to push their teenaged daughters towards the Aces dressing room at about the same time.

As the game progressed, it seemed that the 1-0 lead would hold up, but the gods of beer league hockey are fickle. The game would remain close, with the two teams battling to a 3-3 tie in the third period. The ultimate difference in the score would be determined by 2 freak bounces - each time the puck landed as if by magic on the stick of an uncovered Warrior in front of the Aces net, and each time mighty Raj had no hope of getting in front of the shot.

Together with an Aces power play that was intent on exploring new dimensions in futility, those bounces resulted in a 5-3 loss for your Aces. A sad day indeed, especially since this was to be the last game of 2011 for team sponsor and spiritual guide Joe P. Joe is off to Mexico to resume his duties as Proctor of the  Bucerias School for Nubile Chambermaids. It would have been nice to send him off with a win but no doubt Joe's duties at the school will keep his mind off the loss.