Aces Gain Control of COTHL, Release List of New Rules

Men of the Black Aces HC! The time is finally at hand when we reap the rewards of our mighty efforts lo these past four long months, and stand gloriously atop the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League!

Long have we struggled, and much have we sacrificed to reach this summit. The pre-dawn training sessions, the weeks spent away from friends and loved ones, the relentless physical conditioning - all have been rewarded.

Our enemies have been vanquished and our craven critics in the press have been silenced by our victory, proven wrong in their callow predictions that we could not reach our goal of total and complete domination of all three of our opponents.

Now that we have proven beyond all doubt who is the undisputed ruler of the COTHL, I hereby submit to you a list of proposed rule changes to be brought before the Elders of the League ere a fortnight hath passed. These rules shall be made law, in order that our great achievement be remembered by future generations of COTHL players and also that our status as heroic champions be not forgotten by our current adversaries.

New Rule #1. A new trophy shall be created. It shall stand 7 feet in height, be made entirely of purest titanium and have the names of all Black Aces players past and present inscribed upon it in 150 point Geneva Bold font, in all caps. The trophy shall be placed at centre ice during every pre-game warmup, even in games that do not involve the Black Aces HC.

New Rule #2. Opposing teams shall now be required to provide premium quality beer for the Aces HC after each contest. Domestic brews are not permitted unless approval is expressly provided in writing and signed by at least three Aces players.

New Rule #3. A new change room is to be built for the exclusive use of the Black Aces HC, their guests, and their descendants in perpetuity. It shall be equipped with clean showers, hot towel service, a large screen television set with full cable package, plus XBox, Playstation 3 and Wii gaming consoles. No other teams are to use this room, ever, under penalty of death.

New Rule #4. A financial levy is to be paid by all non-Aces players as part of their yearly league fee. This is to wholly offset the cost of the Aces’ mid-season training camp in Bucarias Mexico, graciously (though not inexpensively) hosted by team surfologist Joe P.

New Rule #5. Parking spaces closest to the entrance of the arena formerly known as the Phil White Arena (see Rule #6) are henceforth and forevermore reserved for the exclusive use of Black Aces HC players. Any non-Aces players caught parking in these reserved spaces shall have their vehicles summarily crushed by a new on-site car crushing machine installed specifically for this purpose.

New Rule #6. The arena formerly known as the Phil White Arena will henceforth be known as the Black Aces Sports and Recreation Complex. A new climate-controlled display case in the lobby will hold the new trophy (see rule #1) when it is not at centre ice, along with life-sized replicas of all past and present Aces players carved in solid mahogany. These statues are to be waxed and polished thrice daily by specially trained blind Amish craftsmen brought in from Pennsylvania.

Excellent work in last week’s game, fellow Aces. I have taken the liberty of commissioning a local artist to paint a commemorative mural of our great victory on the outside north wall of the Black Aces Sports and Recreation Complex. Our righteous comeback from a 2-0 deficit to trounce the Warriors 7-2 is now assured a lasting place in hockey history. Let all who gaze upon it tremble and quake with fear, and know that on this day the rightful and true owners of first place in the COTHL were finally restored.

Mysterious Goaltender Leads Aces to Victory

Relying on a rent-a-goalie is not always a sure path to beer league hockey success, but local team the Black Aces came away with a W in their most recent game by employing just that strategy. With regular netminder Raj C out of town on yet another ‘sales trip’, the aces secured the services of the hockey equivalent of the supply teacher.

Facing off against the Wyse Guys once again, the Aces were looking for another easy victory. Previous games against the men in red had resulted in lopsided scores in the Aces’ favour, but without the steady and reliable presence of their star goalie the team could not be assured of the same result. Enter Dale the Goalie.

He looked young. In this league, ‘young’ means ‘under 40’. He also confided in team HR specialist Aubrey S before the game that he had only been playing goal for about a year and a half. As a sometime goaltender himself, Aubrey could relate. Switching from a skating position to the net was not a common move, but at least there was precedent. The Aces formidable defense corps could more than make up for any shortcomings between the pipes.

As the game progressed, the team was pleasantly surprised. This newly minted netminder was doing a fine job after all. Saves were made, confidence levels rose, and the blackshirts eventually skated away with a 4-2 win. Not the domination of previous black on red contests, but red was playing harder than usual this night and their goalie was also having a solid game.

After the game, Dale (if that is indeed his real name) casually mentioned that he had in fact not been playing goal for a year and a half. It was more like 3 months. “Oh?” said Aubrey, rasing an eyebrow. “You played well for someone only playing goal for 3 months.”

“Did I say months?” replied Dale “I meant weeks. Three weeks.”

“So how long have you played hockey altogether then?” I asked, suddenly interested in their conversation.

“That’s it, three weeks. Never played hockey before. Well, road hockey. In the driveway. Once.”

“Really. Huh. Hard to believe for a guy who’s, what, twenty five?”

“Um, twelve actually. ”

“Twelve.” said a stunned Aubrey. “You don’t look twelve.”

“Okay, eleven and a half but my birthday is coming up.” said Dale, casually removing his prosthetic leg and tossing it into his bag. By this time he had the attention of most of the room, except for Bruce H who had nodded off due to extreme jet lag combined with the lingering effects of dysentery and yellow fever.

Calmly taking down his non-hockey leg from it’s hook behind him and snapping it into place, the youngster continued to pack his gear.

“Maybe you shouldn’t be drinking that beer if you’re only eleven.” said team pastor Al H.

“Eleven and a half.” corrected Dale “And anyway I’m not driving. My mom is picking me up.”

The grizzled elders of the Aces team thoughtfully slurped their post-game cans of brew, trying their best to take in the news that an eleven year-old with a fake leg who had only been on skates for 3 weeks had just helped them into first place in the COTHL.

Dale hoisted his bag of gear, slipped on his dark shades, picked up his white cane and casually tapped his way out of the room into the night.

“Usiku mwema, wanawake. Pochi yako ni yangu.” was all he said.

Aces 9, Zombies 1

In a horrific and unexpected development in the elite Cedarvale Oldtimers’ Hockey League last week, the Black Aces HC found themselves facing a Bloor Battlers team whose players had all been transformed into shuffling zombies.

Whereas previously the Battlers squad had been comprised almost entirely of men, the group that took the ice against the Aces on wednesday were quite clearly not themselves. From the opening face-off, the Aces were able to skate easily around the slow-footed Battlers. Moaning horribly and unable to muster even the appearance of hockey skill, the Bloor boys were no match for their non-zombie opponents.

The Aces of course showed no mercy. “When it comes to zombies,” said Aces munitions specialist Al ‘Heavy Artillery’ Heavenrich “you can’t show any mercy. It’s a kill shot or it’s nothing.”

Again and again the Aces stormed the Battlers’ net, pumping a total of 9 goals past their hapless goalkeeper, who may or may not have been one of the undead.

“I couldn’t really tell for sure” said Aces DJ Paul ‘Funkmaster’ Ferris. “He wasn’t moaning quite as much as the other guys, and he didn’t smell quite as bad either. Maybe he was in the early stages.”

The Battlers repeated attempts to catch the fleet-footed Aces and eat their brains were to no avail, as even when they did manage to catch a blackshirt off guard they were unable to bite past either their own face cages or the Aces CSA approved helmets.

Naturally such a one-sided contest was completely lacking in drama, which may explain why CBC Television executives originally scouting the Aces for future 'Skating With the Stars' participants are now planning a 6 part mini-series based on the game.

Aces Save Canadian Hockey

Hockey fans across Canada are reeling today after most of the nation watched our national junior team implode in the World Junior Championship final. Blowing a 3-0 lead in the 3rd period to fall 5-3 to the godless communist Russians, the juniors delivered a virtual nut shot to an entire country, a nut shot whose terrible pain only an inspired victory by an underdog could ease.

"Thank Christ for the Black Aces, eh?" said Newfoundland cod-shredder Big Jim Houlihan "After watchin them juniors I felt right sick, I did. Then I heard the Aces went and beat those Warrior fellers and I all of a sudden felt pretty good again."

Many who witnessed the junior fiasco expressed similar feelings after hearing news of the Aces' unexpected victory. "The Black Aces HC have given my back my reason to live" said a teary Mrs. Edna Pornswallow of Fort MacMurray Alberta. "I was just about to go and throw myself into the tailing ponds out by the Syncrude plant after that horrible junior game when my husband Wally grabbed me. 'Edna' he says 'the Aces still have a shot - it's the 3rd period and they're up by 3...' and so I decided to wait and see how the lads made out this week and didn't they come through in the clutch! Not like those fucking kids, that's for sure."

The Aces inspiring victory did not come without it's tense moments though. Up 3-0 at one point early in the game, several of the blackshirts exchanged worried glances on the bench. The awful sense that history might repeat itself, that the team might fall in the same way that the juniors had fallen hung heavy in the air. But not a word was spoken.

"I thought they would blow it." said Bancroft Ontario skidoo waxologist Bert "Burt" Burton later that night. "That's how low I felt after seeing our juniors give the game away to them Russkies. I was ready to see the Aces fold up like a cheap suit in the 3rd, I admit it. But when they hung on, man, I felt so goddam good I went right down to Stooley's bar and punched a complete stranger right in the face. It was beautiful. Thanks, Aces."

Celebrations continued into the night after word of the Aces' unlikely victory spread throughout the country via blogs, twitter, email and text. Joyous crowds burned cars in Montreal, while Toronto area coffee houses did a brisk business in Victory Lattes. Meanwhile in Vancouver, every single person over the age of 11 fired up a fat one in honour of the Black Aces.

"God Almighty has chosen to bless our nation once again!" cried Dumheller Alberta Minister Randy McWhatsit. "The national junior team will surely burn in hell for all eternity for their transgressions, but the Aces have provided salvation, salvation for all Canadians! Hallelujah brothers and sisters!"

The 5-2 win moves the Aces firmly into second place, still behind the Warriors but well ahead of the Battlers and Wyse Guys. Scoring for the Aces: 2 for Ralph, 1 each for Mo, Joe, and Bob. Another standout game in net from Raj kept the Warriors' big guns off the scoresheet until well into the game, long enough for the blackshirts to build up an insurmountable 4-0 lead.