Great Leader Inspires Aces to 1-1 Victory

In a year marked by much turmoil, Toronto Mayor Rob "Fucking" Ford just posted a list of his "achievements" on his Facebook page. Sure there was a lot of hoopla about gravy and ferris wheels (bad and good), subway trains and bike lanes (good and bad), but Ford's real accomplishments actually took place away from City Hall.

Everyone knows Ford is a dedicated football coach, guiding troubled young men away from gangs and criminal activity and towards more wholesome pursuits like bashing skulls and showering together, but few know that Rob also takes the time to mentor another group of socially challenged athletes.

That's right, Rob Ford is the coach of the Black Aces.

Oh sure, he may not actually attend the games, but  his spirit inspires every Aces player in much the same way the spirit of the late Kim Jong Il must now be inspiring every North Korean to strive for greatness (and the South Korean border).

Here is a partial list of Coach Ford's accomplishments so far this season:

1. successfully replaced post-game gravy with real beer
2. removed 90 feet of bike lanes from the middle of the Cedarvale Arena ice surface
3. Aces now ice 25% fewer players than opposing teams while still maintaining hold on first place
4. secured Mexican operations base for mid-season rejuvenation program
5. blamed David Miller for all past losses

Point #3 was amply illustrated in the Aces most recent game against the Battlers, a hard-fought contest that saw a depleted Aces bench (5 forwards and 3 D) hold a feisty Battlers squad (2 full lines plus 4 D) off the score sheet for most of the game. The final score was regrettably 1-1, thanks not only to Mayor Ford's divine guidance but also to another standout game between the pipes for Aces netminder Raj C.

"Do the math" said a gloating Ford after the game, via cell phone. "They had 10 skaters, we had 8. That's like only half as many, so really we won 2-1. Hey! Get outta the bike lane asshole, that's my lane!"

If this trend continues the Aces should win 150% of their remaining games this season.

Do the math!

Heroic Goal Fails to Inspire Aces

In spite of scoring a goal that hockey analysts around the planet are calling 'spectacular', 'heroic', and 'whatever', Black Aces team scribe Jeff M was unable to lift his team to victory in their latest COTHL contest.

Facing off against their arch-rivals the Warriors, the Aces were coming off a convincing 8-3 shellacking of their nemesises the Wyse Guys the week before. The game began as games against the Warriors often do, with the white shirts putting on the pressure from the opening face off. The Aces relied as usual on the superb goaltending of Raj Stopalingam while they got themselves into the mood, taking long lazy skates for the first couple of shifts whilst they got warmed up and finished their beers on the bench.

Meanwhile the Warriors were burning through their pre-game Red Bulls by peppering Raj with shot after shot until Aces defender Jeff broke free in the Warriors end, cruised over the blue line and fired a quick snap shot at the Warriors net.  Seeing a juicy rebound, he powered through the towering Warriors D, only to be grappled desperately about the shoulders in a highly suspect and almost certainly illegal manner. 

Not to be denied, he was somehow (and the lack of instant replay makes this difficult to analyse, or indeed prove) able to kick the loose puck to his stick, deke the lunging goalie and shake off the Warriors defense before sliding the puck across the line from a tough angle. 

Several national newspaper reporters immediately ran to the lobby phonebooths to call in their game reports, and at least two hockey moms were seen to push their teenaged daughters towards the Aces dressing room at about the same time.

As the game progressed, it seemed that the 1-0 lead would hold up, but the gods of beer league hockey are fickle. The game would remain close, with the two teams battling to a 3-3 tie in the third period. The ultimate difference in the score would be determined by 2 freak bounces - each time the puck landed as if by magic on the stick of an uncovered Warrior in front of the Aces net, and each time mighty Raj had no hope of getting in front of the shot.

Together with an Aces power play that was intent on exploring new dimensions in futility, those bounces resulted in a 5-3 loss for your Aces. A sad day indeed, especially since this was to be the last game of 2011 for team sponsor and spiritual guide Joe P. Joe is off to Mexico to resume his duties as Proctor of the  Bucerias School for Nubile Chambermaids. It would have been nice to send him off with a win but no doubt Joe's duties at the school will keep his mind off the loss.

Post-Game Highlights

Don't tase me, bro.

It’s a well-known phenomenon that after an intense game of beer-league ice hockey, players often have a hard time winding down. Sleep can be elusive as the mind replays the game just played in minute detail, and players must oftentimes engage in odd activities in order to pass the time until they can finally chill out enough to get some sleep. 

Recently scientists in the privately funded Institute of Recreational Sports-Related Sleep  Disorders concluded a study in which they secretly followed a test group of athletes from the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League. The results of this groundbreaking 5 year study have not yet been released, but your intrepid Black Aces Blogger has secured a preview of their findings. Which he will share with you now, of course.

The most surprising data to emerge from the study, entitled Post-Game Nocturnal Activities of Adult Recreational Ice Hockey League Participants, is the differences noted between players on three of the four teams in the COTHL and players on the Black Aces. While non-Aces players engaged in boring activities like drinking beer and re-watching TIVO’d episodes of Dog the Bounty Hunter, most Aces players were found to have a much richer and wider range of post-game activities. For instance, after the team’s latest 5-2 victory over the Warriors,

• Al - knitted six pairs of tiny mittens out of cat fur scavenged from sofa cushions and the legs of corduroy trousers
• Ralph - celebrated a 2 goal night by bow-hunting for opossum in Cedarvale ravine. 
• Joe P - wound down after his 2 goal performance by carving a 'really cool' bong out of an illegally obtained block of rare Tibetan Mountain Pine
• Bruce - continued training the kitchen mice to wear the tiny sequined  outfits he sewed for his planned all-rodent, all-male musical production “It’s Raining Mice and Men”
• Andrew - continued his ongoing construction of a fully functioning woman out of Lego and partially chewed cheetos
• Aubrey - currently on IR, has been hanging out on the Twilight Fans online discussion forum, to date posting over 700 entries as 'Edward4Ever'
• Raj - is working towards his degree in small mammal repair from the People’s  Veterinary College and Dynamite Manufactory of Xianxiu China (over 6 days fatality free!)
• Paul - was busy doing some late night negotiating with the Bush Twins (Barbara and Jenna)  to act as official spokeswomen for his upcoming VaJanuary campaign.
• Gerry - enjoyed watching and re-watching TIVO'd episodes of Real Housewives of New Jersey 

The activities of the rest of the team will all be included in the January 2012 issue of the Canadian Journal of Interesting Things. I’m sure we’re all looking forward to picking it up. 

New Protocol for 0-0 Ties

To:         All teams in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League
From:    COTHL Senior Management Group
Subject: 0-0 Tie Games, New Rules

As at least half of you may have heard, last wednesday's game between the Black Aces and the Bloor Battlers ended in a disgusting 0-0 tie. That's right, you heard correctly. A lousy, good-for-nothing, lame-ass zero-zero tie. No goals. None. Not a sausage. We watched the tapes, it was appalling.

In order to prevent such an embarrassing event from ever happening again in our league, the Senior Management Group of the COTHL (also known as the Elders of Cedarvale) hereby introduce the following protocol for settling games where nobody has the balls to score even one fucking goal over three whole fucking periods.

IF, after 3 complete periods no goals have been scored, a 5 minute overtime period will be played.
IF still no goals have been scored by any of the pathetic excuses for hockey players on either team, another 5 minute overtime period will be played in a four-on-four format.
IF both teams are still too weak to put the puck in the net, another 5 minute overtime period will be played but this time each team will ice 6 skaters and no goalie.
IF both teams are still so completely useless that they can't score in an open net, yet another 5 minute overtime period will be played. Goalies go back in, but we continue with 6 skaters.
IF this piece of shit game is still tied at zeroes we'll keep adding players until both teams have every player on the ice.
IF the two teams continue to sully the good name and exalted history of the COTHL by refusing to put one over the line, another 5 minute overtime period will be played, this time with 2 pucks. Pretty much a gong show by this point.
IF the gong show format fails to settle things (and we really hope it doesn't get to this point, seriously) goalies will be relieved of their pads and gloves. Surely to God one of the 'hockey players' out there can bulge the twine now, right? Anyone?

In the extremely unlikely event that after all this, not a single man on either team can summon the strength to propel a little black rubber puck over the goal line, then and only then will we go to a shootout.

If the shootout fails to settle things, the Elders of Cedarvale will pay each player on each team a visit to kick your sorry asses and revoke your Beer League Hockey Licences. Permanently. You pussies.

Let's hope we see no more 0-0 ties this or any other year.

The Elders of Cedarvale

"Can you believe those little bitches? Not even one goal."

Warriors Call 9-1-1 on Aces

The following is an actual transcript of a 9-1-1 call placed on Wednesday October 26, 2011.

We're getting slaughtered here!

Operator: Emergency services, what is the nature of your emergency please?
Caller: Uh, hi, this is [redacted] of the Warriors over at Phil White arena. We're getting slaughtered here!
Operator: Did you say slaughter? Is there some kind of assault taking place sir?
Caller: Okay maybe slaughter is not quite right, but it's the middle of the second and we're down 2-0 to those punk-ass Black Aces.
Operator: Sir I'm going to have to ask you to watch your language.
Caller: What?
Operator: You said 'ass', sir. That is considered profane and/or abusive language under the terms and conditions of our collective bargaining agreement. If you continue to be abusive I will have to terminate this call.
Caller: What the fuck are you talking about?
Operator: *click*

 * * *

Operator: Emergency services, what is the nature of your emergency please?
Caller: Yah, this is [redacted] again at Phil White Arena. I called just a minute ago. It's 3-0 now! Are you happy? We're getting killed!!
Operator: Sir, who is getting killed? Are you injured?
Caller: Oh Christ! They just scored another one! This is terrible! You have to send the cops over right now to take care of this shit!
Operator: Sir I'm going to have to ask you to watch your language.
Caller: Oh for fuck's sakes
Operator: *click*

 * * *

Operator: Emergency services, what is the nature of your emergency please?
Caller: Listen, bitch, don't you know who I am? I'm [redacted] fucking [redacted] of the fucking Warriors hockey club! I am the captain of this fucking team!! If the cops aren't here in 5 fucking minutes I'm coming down there to personally stick your headset up your – oh hey, we just scored. Lemme call you back. *click*

 * * *

Operator: Emergency services, what is the nature of your emergency please?
Caller: Are you happy now? Those black shirted bastards just beat us 5-2 and you assholes wouldn't lift a finger to help. This is all David Miller's fault. *click*

In other, unrelated 9-1-1 news, this apparently happened on the same day.

Probation Period Almost Over for New Aces

The newest members of the Black Aces Hockey Club continue to play well, contributing 4 goals between them during the Aces' most recent outing. Both Jerry and Glenn bagged a pair in the Aces' thrilling come-from-behind 7-5 victory over the Wyse Guys.

Never mind the post-game beer, just get out there.

Neither player is out of the woods just yet though, explained team cryptographer Joe D; "Yes, they've played well in their first four games, no doubt about that" said Joe after the game last Wednesday "but we need to be extra sure that they are the right fit four our team. This has nothing to do with the well-known phenomenon of players vying for permanent status playing way over their heads, not at all. We just want to be certain that their incredibly solid play so far hasn't been a series of highly unlikely flukes."

"Just because they've both been outstanding" added team hair colourist Bruce H "doesn't mean we should just make them an offer. Sure, their combined contributions have helped put us into first place, but that doesn't get them an automatic spot on the payroll. A couple more games and we'll see."

The Aces currently sit tied for first with the Wyse Guys after an epic comeback in their last meeting. Down 4-1 at the start of the second period after a 3 goal flurry from the redshirts, the Aces were playing well but seemed about to fall once again to the first place team. The frustration on the black squad was palpable, until the potentially skilled duo of Glenn and Jerry possibly inspired the rest of the team with some allegedly excellent play. Six unanswered goals later and the Aces were ahead 7-4 and cruising to a sweet victory. One meaningless goal for red while Glenn & Jerry were coincidentally off the ice meant nothing.

"One or two, possibly five more games and we'll take down that classified ad we've got running in the local paper" said team public relations consultant Paul F from his downtown office, where he frequently observes the team on closed circuit television. "I've got a good feeling about this."

Goal roundup: Glenn Newguy: 2  Jerry Newguy: 2 Ralph R: 2 Joe D-S: 1

Aces Get All Science-y to Beat Battlers

As some of you may already know, in addition to exploring the limits of human alcohol consumption and sleep deprivation, the Black Aces HC off-season activities included the establishment of a high-level hockey think tank. The Centre for Research Into New Generation Hockey Experiments, or CRINGHE, was tasked with devising new strategic approaches for the Aces, thereby giving them an advantage in the 2011-2012 edition  of the COTHL.

Science. It's Like, Awesome or Something.

Some of their cutting edge output this summer included radical, out-of-the-box ideas that have the potential to change the game of hockey forever. Including:

1. Beers to be consumed BEFORE the game instead of after.
2. Goalies to wear Kodiaks in place of skates for better traction.
3. Every player to wear a heads up video display during the game. This is to enhance the action with 'augmented reality' information, but also to ensure no episodes of ‘Raising Hope’ are missed. That’s a really good show. (Note: the PVR budget for the CRINGHE team was not approved).
4. No more positions. Every player to simply chase the puck wherever it goes, thereby overwhelming the opposition. This is a simple strategy that any player can understand (see point #1).
5. New positional configurations (in case Point #4 is rejected or unsuccessful), including the 4-1-1 (the Crash the Net Strategy), the 0-5-1 (the Neutral Zone Clusterf**k), the 2-2-2 (Double Goalie Configuration) and perhaps most radically of all, the 3-3-0: the No Goalie Required.

Incredibly, it would be in only the 3^rd game of the season that the investment in CRINGHE would pay off. With netminder and team opossum whisperer Raj C unable to make the game due to a tragic carjacking incident in Newmarket, the Aces were without a goalie at the start of the game. A replacement keeper was found, but team pro cyclist Aubrey S would have to venture out into the rainy night to retrieve him. Aubrey, normally the Aces’ backup goalie, was sidelined due to an injury sustained attempting to back flip his bike off a 30’ drop riding through a puddle.

The Aces, meanwhile, would have to employ the 3-3-0 lineup: 3 forwards, 3 defense, no goalie. It was ‘put up or shut up’ time.

Thanks to some quick consulting and a lovely powerpoint presentation from team graphic designer Jeff M, the defense corps soon came up with the correct approach to keep the Bloor Battlers from putting the puck in the Aces’ empty net. Their tactics, deceptively simple, can best be summed up as “Don’t let those other guys score”. It worked beautifully, and by the time Aubrey returned with the emergency backup netminder the Aces were starting the second period with a 1-0 lead on a goal from team toboggan builder Rich W.

Emboldened by their success, the Aces continued to dominate the now demoralized Battler squad and finished with a 2-0 win, their second consecutive shutout. If this continues, the $600 clipboard budget for CRINGHE researchers will not have been squandered after all.


Big thanks to emergency netminder (Tooey? Did I hear that right?) who by the way was fully sighted and did not have an artificial leg.

Aces Claw Their Way to .500

After a demoralizing string of one defeat,  local hockey team Aubrey's Aces finally managed to claw their way back to the .500 level this week in the COTHL.

"Sure, it was hard losing 100% of our previous games" said team maitre d' Rich W "But we knew if we just hung in there we'd eventually be ok."

In spite of going 0-fer so far this season the Aces somehow kept it together, soundly defeating the Warriors squad in a hard-fought contest. The difference, agreed most Aces, was goaltending. "Our goalie was fucking awesome" said Aces' barista Raj C "and their goalie was not. That's pretty much it. In my opinion anyway." 

Also a factor were two fresh imports from the Orc pits of Isengard, forward D'Naakh Skullcrusher and defender G'Raargh Limbrender. Both newbies came to play, in spite of being less than 12 hours old, combined. "I look forward to the utter destruction of the enemies of the Black Aces!" grunted D'Naakh after the game, smearing fresh Warrior blood on his chest while pounding a Grolsch tallboy "The Dark One will be pleased!" Teammate and fellow Orc G'Raargh was more philosophical: "I'm just happy to be called up to the big team, you know? I'm taking it one kill at a time and giving 110%, keeping it simple, you know? Also, I desire to dismember anyone not wearing an Aces jersey."

Non-Orc Aces making the score sheet: Ralph R with a pair, Bruce H and Brian M with one apiece. Final score: Aces 4, Warriors 0.

Side note: Former Ace Bob J was scheduled to make a final appearance in an Aces jersey before being deployed 'Stateside but a communications snafu somehow resulted in a lovely dinner at The Keg instead. Recently retired defenceman Maurice V was hastily contacted just prior to game time but was unable to fill in due to  a family chauffeuring emergency. 

MAMWHPs Seeks Same

A group of (fit and attractive) 416-based middle-aged mostly white hockey players seek same for fun and creative adventures at Phil White Arena. Must enjoy skating, puck-handling, and post-game beer. Race unimportant. Must be over 40 but not too over. Must have decent shot and be willing to play the 'back end'. If this sounds like you, please respond to this blog with hockey resume and personal photo. We enjoy winning, working out, and wednesday evenings with good friends. Not looking for a long term commitment, let's take things slowly and see what develops. No puck hogs, please.

The Magnificent Seven, Part Two

Local hockey team the Aces finally made good on their long-standing promise to institute off season training camp this past friday, as a hand-picked contingent of players gathered in Collingwood for a rigorous 24 hour training session.

Six in all made it to the Harbinson Athletic Compound on thursday June 16, for a pre-training hydration exercise. Your humble scribe (the seventh player to attend camp) was not present for said exercise, but reliable sources say the exercise was a success. So successful in fact that the original completion deadline was extended to sometime around 05:00 on June 17.

June 17 dawned bright and clear for at least one of the participants. The other six... not so much. Rendezvous at Batteaux Creek Firing Range was initiated successfully, and the real training session began. An epic day of 18 distinct ballistic manoeuvres ensued, simultaneous with a forced march under full pack. The seven magnificent men held up brilliantly under the scorching, unforgiving sun.

Thanks to Commander Harbinson for arranging the inaugural Black Aces Area 52 Top Secret Training and Projectile-Based Recreation Camp. All signs point to a repeat event at a time as yet undisclosed.

The Magnificent Seven

Aubrey prepares to hit someone into the boards from behind

Another day at the beach.

Top 10 Reasons Aces Lost Quarter Final Game

After a solid 2nd place finish in 2010-2011, local hockey team the Black Aces could not overcome their 3rd place rivals the Bloor Battlers last week, falling 3-1 in a soft-fought match that saw the team struggle to create good scoring chances.

In spite of a standout performance by goaltender Raj C, the Aces now find themselves in a battle for bronze against the Wyse Guys in two weeks.

Goals may have been in short supply, but thankfully excuses were not. Here now are the Top 10 Reasons Why The Aces Lost the Quarter Final Game.

10. Lack of inspirational pre-game music

9. Everyone was saving it for this week's shinny game.

8. Entire team suffering from mass 'upper body injury'.

7. Thinking too much about post-game beer selection.

6. Raj played too well, everyone else decided to take it easy.

5. 6 players were playing in only their 2nd game of the season.

4. Pre-game strategy session 'too confusing'.

3. "Earthquake premonitions were freaking me out, man."

2. Mis-read cliche manual, only gave 109%.

and the number one reason the Aces Lost the Quarter Final Game:

1. Distracted by the guy in the stands throwing his hat in the air.

Cue band, mindless applause. Go to commercial.

El hombre del Sur ayuda a ganar de nuevo Ases

On a rare winter trip to Canadian territory, Aces owner and special southern correspondent Joe P inspired a banged up group of athletes to a key 4-2 win over the Battlers.

Shaking off the debilitating effects of a mid-winter tan, Joe struck for a key goal early in the game. Perhaps inspired by this brave performance, the Aces taxi squad hit for 3 more goals and hung on for a 4-2 victory in spite of most players having to play through an injury of some sort. The list of injuries at this point in the season is long and varied:

• Jeff: hip dysplasia
• Al: groin pains
• Aubrey: stab wounds
• Rich: frozen shoulder
• Andrew: swimmers buttock
• Maurice: carpal funnel syndrome
• Raj: gas. So much gas.
• Bruce: heartworm
• Ralph: hysterical blindness
• Paul F: skiers bladder

Injuries would not stop a determined Aces side, however, as they played a physical game all night long as evidenced by a steady stream of black shirts into the penalty box. Other goal scorers on the night were Ralph, Andrew and Aubrey.

In an odd turn of events, players missing from the roster were the only ones not injured. Of course they all had airtight excuses for not showing:

• Mike K: what, and miss The Bachelor?
• Brian M: still working on his Academy Awards pool picks
• Joe D: won't play if there's another Joe on the ice
• Bob J: passed out at hot yoga class, missed bus

I'd say let's hope for a better turnout next game, but the Aces seem to do better without a full bench. Nos vemos el miércoles amigos

Aces Non-Skiers Eke Out 6-6 Tie

With roughly half the Aces’ regulars out of the lineup due to ski season, it fell to the non-skiers on the team to hold off a hard-charging Wyse Guys bunch last game. The addition of 2 red shirts to the Aces’ lineup was necessary, as a decimated black squad could only ice 7 skaters and a goalie.

The two stand-ins came in handy, scoring the first two goals of the game while the regulars slowly got themselves into gear.

Black eventually pulled things together, withstanding the untimely injury of D-man and hack journalist Jeff M to pull ahead 5-4 with 5 minutes remaining in the third. The lead would not hold, however, and with Jeff on the bench nursing a broken hip the two teams traded goals until almost the final buzzer.

After the game, a dejected Aces squad was nevertheless philosophical about the results.

“Not our best game of the year” opined an exhausted back-up netminder and team aromatherapist Aubrey S “but I hear the conditions at Whistler are pretty sweet right now, so that makes up for it.”

Team luthier Bruce H was similarly minded after the contest. “As long as Rich and Paul and the other skiers on the team are enjoying themselves, then whatever happens out there on the ice is really secondary” he said wistfully “I mean it’s our duty to hold the fort while our brothers are engaged in the vitally important task of breaking fresh powder in the back bowls at Blackcomb or wherever they are, so this tie against the last place club is really a victory for all of us.”

Other notable absences included Al H (pain in the thorax), Brian M (still on the International Space Station) Joe Himalaya (starring in the Khatmandu Thespian Society stage production of Jersey Boys), Mike K (malfunctioning GPS unit) and of course Art W (still recovering from a tragic hibachi accident).

We hope to see more able bodies out for the next game, though your humble scribe is doubtful due to the aforementioned broken hip.

Aces Gain Control of COTHL, Release List of New Rules

Men of the Black Aces HC! The time is finally at hand when we reap the rewards of our mighty efforts lo these past four long months, and stand gloriously atop the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League!

Long have we struggled, and much have we sacrificed to reach this summit. The pre-dawn training sessions, the weeks spent away from friends and loved ones, the relentless physical conditioning - all have been rewarded.

Our enemies have been vanquished and our craven critics in the press have been silenced by our victory, proven wrong in their callow predictions that we could not reach our goal of total and complete domination of all three of our opponents.

Now that we have proven beyond all doubt who is the undisputed ruler of the COTHL, I hereby submit to you a list of proposed rule changes to be brought before the Elders of the League ere a fortnight hath passed. These rules shall be made law, in order that our great achievement be remembered by future generations of COTHL players and also that our status as heroic champions be not forgotten by our current adversaries.

New Rule #1. A new trophy shall be created. It shall stand 7 feet in height, be made entirely of purest titanium and have the names of all Black Aces players past and present inscribed upon it in 150 point Geneva Bold font, in all caps. The trophy shall be placed at centre ice during every pre-game warmup, even in games that do not involve the Black Aces HC.

New Rule #2. Opposing teams shall now be required to provide premium quality beer for the Aces HC after each contest. Domestic brews are not permitted unless approval is expressly provided in writing and signed by at least three Aces players.

New Rule #3. A new change room is to be built for the exclusive use of the Black Aces HC, their guests, and their descendants in perpetuity. It shall be equipped with clean showers, hot towel service, a large screen television set with full cable package, plus XBox, Playstation 3 and Wii gaming consoles. No other teams are to use this room, ever, under penalty of death.

New Rule #4. A financial levy is to be paid by all non-Aces players as part of their yearly league fee. This is to wholly offset the cost of the Aces’ mid-season training camp in Bucarias Mexico, graciously (though not inexpensively) hosted by team surfologist Joe P.

New Rule #5. Parking spaces closest to the entrance of the arena formerly known as the Phil White Arena (see Rule #6) are henceforth and forevermore reserved for the exclusive use of Black Aces HC players. Any non-Aces players caught parking in these reserved spaces shall have their vehicles summarily crushed by a new on-site car crushing machine installed specifically for this purpose.

New Rule #6. The arena formerly known as the Phil White Arena will henceforth be known as the Black Aces Sports and Recreation Complex. A new climate-controlled display case in the lobby will hold the new trophy (see rule #1) when it is not at centre ice, along with life-sized replicas of all past and present Aces players carved in solid mahogany. These statues are to be waxed and polished thrice daily by specially trained blind Amish craftsmen brought in from Pennsylvania.

Excellent work in last week’s game, fellow Aces. I have taken the liberty of commissioning a local artist to paint a commemorative mural of our great victory on the outside north wall of the Black Aces Sports and Recreation Complex. Our righteous comeback from a 2-0 deficit to trounce the Warriors 7-2 is now assured a lasting place in hockey history. Let all who gaze upon it tremble and quake with fear, and know that on this day the rightful and true owners of first place in the COTHL were finally restored.

Mysterious Goaltender Leads Aces to Victory

Relying on a rent-a-goalie is not always a sure path to beer league hockey success, but local team the Black Aces came away with a W in their most recent game by employing just that strategy. With regular netminder Raj C out of town on yet another ‘sales trip’, the aces secured the services of the hockey equivalent of the supply teacher.

Facing off against the Wyse Guys once again, the Aces were looking for another easy victory. Previous games against the men in red had resulted in lopsided scores in the Aces’ favour, but without the steady and reliable presence of their star goalie the team could not be assured of the same result. Enter Dale the Goalie.

He looked young. In this league, ‘young’ means ‘under 40’. He also confided in team HR specialist Aubrey S before the game that he had only been playing goal for about a year and a half. As a sometime goaltender himself, Aubrey could relate. Switching from a skating position to the net was not a common move, but at least there was precedent. The Aces formidable defense corps could more than make up for any shortcomings between the pipes.

As the game progressed, the team was pleasantly surprised. This newly minted netminder was doing a fine job after all. Saves were made, confidence levels rose, and the blackshirts eventually skated away with a 4-2 win. Not the domination of previous black on red contests, but red was playing harder than usual this night and their goalie was also having a solid game.

After the game, Dale (if that is indeed his real name) casually mentioned that he had in fact not been playing goal for a year and a half. It was more like 3 months. “Oh?” said Aubrey, rasing an eyebrow. “You played well for someone only playing goal for 3 months.”

“Did I say months?” replied Dale “I meant weeks. Three weeks.”

“So how long have you played hockey altogether then?” I asked, suddenly interested in their conversation.

“That’s it, three weeks. Never played hockey before. Well, road hockey. In the driveway. Once.”

“Really. Huh. Hard to believe for a guy who’s, what, twenty five?”

“Um, twelve actually. ”

“Twelve.” said a stunned Aubrey. “You don’t look twelve.”

“Okay, eleven and a half but my birthday is coming up.” said Dale, casually removing his prosthetic leg and tossing it into his bag. By this time he had the attention of most of the room, except for Bruce H who had nodded off due to extreme jet lag combined with the lingering effects of dysentery and yellow fever.

Calmly taking down his non-hockey leg from it’s hook behind him and snapping it into place, the youngster continued to pack his gear.

“Maybe you shouldn’t be drinking that beer if you’re only eleven.” said team pastor Al H.

“Eleven and a half.” corrected Dale “And anyway I’m not driving. My mom is picking me up.”

The grizzled elders of the Aces team thoughtfully slurped their post-game cans of brew, trying their best to take in the news that an eleven year-old with a fake leg who had only been on skates for 3 weeks had just helped them into first place in the COTHL.

Dale hoisted his bag of gear, slipped on his dark shades, picked up his white cane and casually tapped his way out of the room into the night.

“Usiku mwema, wanawake. Pochi yako ni yangu.” was all he said.

Aces 9, Zombies 1

In a horrific and unexpected development in the elite Cedarvale Oldtimers’ Hockey League last week, the Black Aces HC found themselves facing a Bloor Battlers team whose players had all been transformed into shuffling zombies.

Whereas previously the Battlers squad had been comprised almost entirely of men, the group that took the ice against the Aces on wednesday were quite clearly not themselves. From the opening face-off, the Aces were able to skate easily around the slow-footed Battlers. Moaning horribly and unable to muster even the appearance of hockey skill, the Bloor boys were no match for their non-zombie opponents.

The Aces of course showed no mercy. “When it comes to zombies,” said Aces munitions specialist Al ‘Heavy Artillery’ Heavenrich “you can’t show any mercy. It’s a kill shot or it’s nothing.”

Again and again the Aces stormed the Battlers’ net, pumping a total of 9 goals past their hapless goalkeeper, who may or may not have been one of the undead.

“I couldn’t really tell for sure” said Aces DJ Paul ‘Funkmaster’ Ferris. “He wasn’t moaning quite as much as the other guys, and he didn’t smell quite as bad either. Maybe he was in the early stages.”

The Battlers repeated attempts to catch the fleet-footed Aces and eat their brains were to no avail, as even when they did manage to catch a blackshirt off guard they were unable to bite past either their own face cages or the Aces CSA approved helmets.

Naturally such a one-sided contest was completely lacking in drama, which may explain why CBC Television executives originally scouting the Aces for future 'Skating With the Stars' participants are now planning a 6 part mini-series based on the game.

Aces Save Canadian Hockey

Hockey fans across Canada are reeling today after most of the nation watched our national junior team implode in the World Junior Championship final. Blowing a 3-0 lead in the 3rd period to fall 5-3 to the godless communist Russians, the juniors delivered a virtual nut shot to an entire country, a nut shot whose terrible pain only an inspired victory by an underdog could ease.

"Thank Christ for the Black Aces, eh?" said Newfoundland cod-shredder Big Jim Houlihan "After watchin them juniors I felt right sick, I did. Then I heard the Aces went and beat those Warrior fellers and I all of a sudden felt pretty good again."

Many who witnessed the junior fiasco expressed similar feelings after hearing news of the Aces' unexpected victory. "The Black Aces HC have given my back my reason to live" said a teary Mrs. Edna Pornswallow of Fort MacMurray Alberta. "I was just about to go and throw myself into the tailing ponds out by the Syncrude plant after that horrible junior game when my husband Wally grabbed me. 'Edna' he says 'the Aces still have a shot - it's the 3rd period and they're up by 3...' and so I decided to wait and see how the lads made out this week and didn't they come through in the clutch! Not like those fucking kids, that's for sure."

The Aces inspiring victory did not come without it's tense moments though. Up 3-0 at one point early in the game, several of the blackshirts exchanged worried glances on the bench. The awful sense that history might repeat itself, that the team might fall in the same way that the juniors had fallen hung heavy in the air. But not a word was spoken.

"I thought they would blow it." said Bancroft Ontario skidoo waxologist Bert "Burt" Burton later that night. "That's how low I felt after seeing our juniors give the game away to them Russkies. I was ready to see the Aces fold up like a cheap suit in the 3rd, I admit it. But when they hung on, man, I felt so goddam good I went right down to Stooley's bar and punched a complete stranger right in the face. It was beautiful. Thanks, Aces."

Celebrations continued into the night after word of the Aces' unlikely victory spread throughout the country via blogs, twitter, email and text. Joyous crowds burned cars in Montreal, while Toronto area coffee houses did a brisk business in Victory Lattes. Meanwhile in Vancouver, every single person over the age of 11 fired up a fat one in honour of the Black Aces.

"God Almighty has chosen to bless our nation once again!" cried Dumheller Alberta Minister Randy McWhatsit. "The national junior team will surely burn in hell for all eternity for their transgressions, but the Aces have provided salvation, salvation for all Canadians! Hallelujah brothers and sisters!"

The 5-2 win moves the Aces firmly into second place, still behind the Warriors but well ahead of the Battlers and Wyse Guys. Scoring for the Aces: 2 for Ralph, 1 each for Mo, Joe, and Bob. Another standout game in net from Raj kept the Warriors' big guns off the scoresheet until well into the game, long enough for the blackshirts to build up an insurmountable 4-0 lead.