Bench Strength = Ice Weakness

Former league-leaders the Black Aces suffered their second consecutive loss this past week as the Bloor Battlers cruised to a 5-2 victory over the blackshirts.

An unexpected convergence of player availability on the Aces' side led to extreme overcrowding on the bench. The Aces attempted to roll 4 lines and 6 defense, but the line-change algorithm proved to complex for the team to master.

"I had no idea what was going on out there" said team Pilates expert Aubrey S after the game. "The coach tried to explain the math behind the line changes before the game but all those quadratic equations made my eyes glaze over. I figured someone else would understand it but I guess not."

Game footage was unavailable at press time, but we do have an illustrative video of the chaos that took place at the Aces bench:

Several players apparently gave up on ever getting onto the ice and opted instead to start an impromptu poker tournament while waiting for their next shift. Injured winger Rich W stepped in to play the house and walked away with over $400 from a few hands of Texas Hold'em. "Looks like the Battlers weren't the only winners tonight" remarked Rich after the game, stuffing a huge roll into his jacket pocket. "Thanks, boys."

Team physicist and guest lecturer at Waterloo's Perimeter Institute Andrew T is currently hard at work on a simpler line-change formula. "Apparently my perfectly simple and elegant algorithm was 'too complicated' for the geniuses on the Aces" said an air-quoting Andrew "So I'll try make it easier to understand in case we ever get a full turnout again."

That seems unlikely given the rumoured retirement of Art W (starting a sheep farm in New Zealand), Paul F (dropping out of society to follow the band Down With Webster around the world on their upcoming tour), Raj C (opening an oyster bar on King Street W) and Joe Himalaya (opening a school for wayward teenage Mexican chambermaids at an undisclosed location). There should be plenty of room on the bench from now on, and the line change formula will probably not contain any irrational numbers or references to Planck's Constant.

Aces Hockey Club Earns Fitting Post-Game Reward

In their most recent COTHL wednesday night game, area hockey team the Black Aces were greeted by a post-game surprise that eerily matched their efforts for the previous 45 minutes.

Going down 6-2 to the Warriors, the Aces were rewarded afterwards with giant bag of... women's cosmetics. Quickly pouncing on the stash, with an estimated street value of $800, the Aces made quick work of distributing the loot. Blush, eyeliner, nail polish, 'charged water' and many other mysterious products found their way into the Aces' equipment bags and eventually into the waiting and appreciative hands of girlfriends and spouses. Perhaps both.

"This is perfect" said team nail technician Bruce H "We played like girls tonight, and now look at all this great stuff... for our girlfriends... or spouses."

Coming just a week after a Heroic Comeback Effort, the loss knocked the blackshirts out of a first place tie with the Warriors.

"Sure we're disappointed" said team waxing technologist Raj C. "But look, I scored some wicked foundation! This stuff is worth like eighty bucks retail! Christmas shopping complete."

Team Sugardaddy Bob J, the source of the unexpected bounty, refused to reveal where the swanky toiletries had come from. "I'm not at liberty to say" said Bob "but if we lose like that again I'll be bringing in a truckload of Bon Jovi CDs and some Thighmasters ^®."

Aces Make History with Heroic Comeback Effort

When the white man arrived in North America, 75 million bison roamed the great plains, filling the earth from horizon to horizon. As the railroad pushed westward, the American government ordered the bison slaughtered in order to make way for cattle ranchers and their herds and by 1895 it was said that fewer than 1,000 animals remained. Fast forward to present day, however, and the bison are making a comeback. Thanks to ranchers in both Canada and the U.S. and to foodie elites with a taste for exotic meat there are now 500,000 and that number is growing.

Is this the greatest comeback story of all time? No.

In 1975 a young actor named John Travolta starred in the hit tv comedy Welcome Back Kotter. Travolta would later go on to fame as the lead in such films as Saturday Night Fever and Urban Cowboy before flaming out in string of duds, including Perfect (with Jamie Lee Curtis) and the forgettable Two of a Kind with Olivia Newton John. Travolta's career hit the deck, hard, but was revived in 1994 by director Quentin Tarantino when he cast the down-and-out actor in Pulp Fiction, thus saving his career and possibly his life.

Is this, then, the greatest comeback story of all time? Again, no.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010. Local hockey team the Black Aces are up against their league rivals the Wyse Guys once again. Things go well until midway through the first period, when the red shirts strike for 2 quick goals and pull into a 3-1 lead. Things looked bleak for the blackshirts. Energy levels were 50% below normal, and team sparkplug Art W. was mysteriously absent, perhaps due to a tragic barbecue mishap. Aces backup goalie Aubrey S. was giving it his all but the team was missing regular backstop Raj C, who was in South Beach Florida for his annual full body waxing. Fans were already heading for the exits.

Then, a miracle! A fluke goal careens off a defending red player's skate and eludes the volatile Wyse Guys' keeper. Another quick tally and the game is tied, and the red team is subjected to a steady barrage of insults and put-downs from their netminder. Their morale is shattered, as they are sensitive boys and prone to self-pity when criticized. Sensing the tide has turned, the black shirts pour on the pressure and shoot ahead to a 6-3 lead before finally cruising home to a 6-4 final.

Is this then, the greatest comeback of all time? Hardly. But it might be the greatest comeback of November 10, 2010 and that's not bad.

Prime Minister Blocks Sale of Aces HC

In a move that has the global investment community not at all perplexed, Canadian PM Stephen Harper this week decided to block the takeover bid for Toronto area hockey team the Black Aces by international businessman Richard Branson.

Said Industry Minister Tony Clement "We just didn't feel it was in the best interests, or in fact any interest at all, of Canadians. Or anyone else for that matter."

When asked why the sale was blocked, Clement would only say that the Prime Minister was 'not a big fan of that Branson douche, or his ridiculous hair'.

Bay Street analysts spent minutes poring over the details of the non-deal, the scuttling of which now threatens the future of the Cedarvale Oldtimers' Hockey League. Rumours of the pending buyout sent Aces players on a spending and partying spree last week, with at least 5 players arriving to the game in expensive new cars.

After the announcement, team banjo tuner Bob J. threw an almost full bottle of Cristal to the ground in disgust. "How am I going to return this motherf***ing Escalade to the dealer now, bitch? I already pimped it out with a hot tub and 3D motherf***ing TV! Damn!"

"What? The deal fell through?" said team barbecue cleaner Art W. "I just bought first class airline tickets for my wife's entire family to fly to Toronto for Christmas! There's 43 of them! What the f***? I thought this was a done deal."

Other players were reportedly scrambling to return luxury items with varying levels of success.

"If I can't bring these gold chains back to Cartier" said Aces goalie and Diwali expert Raj C. "I'm going to have to go and see Russell Oliver... I think I just threw up in my mouth there, a little."

The Aces legal team has hired Rob Ford as their new spokesman and are now in talks with Virgin to try to revive the deal under new, more favourable terms. "That fat f**k Ford is well known as a man of action" said team cribbage champion Maurice vV. "and he's not doing anything until he's sworn in as mayor anyway, so we called him up. He agreed to not only help us out with the contract, but also to get our garbage picked up, our leaves raked, and to score us some cheap Oxycontin before next game."

Branson, meanwhile (pictured above with what would have been the Aces cheerleading squad) was philosophical about the failed deal. "I own a spaceship, did you know that?" said Branson from his Caribbean island home. "A motherf***ing spaceship!"

Lets hope the legal distractions don't affect the Aces' play this week, since last week's game was pretty much ruined by all the pre-game shopping and partying. The blackshirts fell 5-3 to a so-so Bloor Battlers squad, mainly due to bad bounces and champagne hangovers.

In a bid to avert another sub-par performance, the Black Aces Blog is pleased to present this inspirational video just in time for this week's game:

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