Aces Release List of Demands in Virgin Takeover Bid

Immediately following confirmation of the recently rumoured bid by Virgin CEO Richard Branson to purchase Toronto area hockey club the Black Aces, Aces legal representative and sometime left-winger Paul Ferris has released the team's list of contract demands.

In a hastily-called news conference at Aces' St. Clair Avenue W. headquarters (Ferro's restaurant, the big table way in the back) Ferris outlined a list of preconditions to the sale of the team.

"We are intrigued by the interest of Mr. Branson" said Ferris through his 'interpreter', a 21 year-old Icelandic erotic film star known only as 'Bjonk'. "If he is serious in his desire to purchase the team then he will have to satisfy our requirements in full. These are as follows.

"One. Every team member must be allowed one trip per year on the Virgin Galactic Spaceship 2. Includes full bar service and a nice set of headphones, not those shitty ones you usually get on commercial flights.

"Two. The Aces demand a year-end party hosted by Virgin Records recording artist Iggy Pop. Drinks are to be served by the Spice Girls. It's not like they're doing anything else these days anyway. And that David Beckham dude is not invited. If he shows up, the deal is off.

"Three. Richard Branson himself is to supply the post-game beer at all future Aces games. No domestic brands allowed unless pre-approved by team biermeister Bruce 'Ziggy' Harbinson. All relevent Bavarian Purity Laws apply.

"Four. Mr. Branson is to fully re-imburse the participants of the now infamous end-of-season party at Rodney's Oyster Bar. With interest.

"Five. Virgin is to cover in full all costs associated with Aces team members being ticketed by Toronto Police for travelling the wrong way on Arlington Ave on the way to the game on wednesdays.

"Six. The Aces require Virgin Records recording artists the Rolling Stones to be on standby at every Aces game. When the Aces score, the Stones are to immediately launch into "Rip This Joint" from their 1972 magnum opus "Exile on Main Street". If the Aces' opponents score, the Stones are to play "I Got the Blues" instead.

"This is a preliminary list of our demands" said Bjonk, in Icelandic. "If they are not met, there is no deal. That is all."

The Aces are said to be currently waiting for a response from Mr. Branson, whilst considering a similar competing offer from Toronto are multimillionaire mayor Rob Ford.

In other news, local hockey team Aubrey's Aces again defeated the hapless Warriors, this time by a score of 3-1. Goals by Jeff, Aubrey and Mike, more solid netminding from Raj. The team is on a roll, apparently un-perturbed by rumours of the Branson takeover.

Aces HC Clownsize Wyse Guys

In the most recent contest between local ice hockey team Aubrey's Aces and their somewhat arch-rivals the Wyse Guys, the Aces so thoroughly dominated their opponents that hockey writers and broadcasters around the country are now scrambling to coin new superlatives to describe the game.

Sure, sports mediapersons already have approximately 10⁶ synonyms for "win", but none of these was up to the task of adequately depicting the Aces' 9-0 pummeling of the Wyse Guys. It was that big.

In the interest of assisting my professional brethren, I hereby humbly submit my Top 10 List of New Synonyms for "Win", or "Winonyms" if you prefer.

10. Scrotumming. As in "the Aces delivered a thorough scrotumming to the hapless Wyse Guys".

9. Sklermfarble. "The Aces dominance of the Wyse Guys was so complete that the game descended into a sklermfarble by the third period".

8. Harpering. Based on the friendly management style of our current PM. "The Aces handed the Wyse Guys a total Harpering last wednesday, leaving the red shirts whimpering and bawling like little babies, or ex-communications directors."

7. RobFordian. "The Aces brought out a can of whoop-ass of RobFordian dimensions." Refers only to Mr. Ford's physical ginormity, nothing to do with any election results (pending as of the writing of this report).

6. Clownsize. As in "The Wyse Guys were completely clownsized last game by the Aces."

5. Blackholed. Describes a complete crushing out of physical existence, as when something falls into a black hole. "The Wyse Guys will be unavailable for any future games as they were blackholed last week by a superior Aces squad."

4. Cockwhipped. Self-explanatory, really. "Looks like the Aces had the bigger dicks this week, Jim." "Right you are, Bob. They totally cockwhipped the Wyse Guys again."

3. Enemized. Refers to the process of knocking the shit out of one's opponents. "The poor Wyse Guys were simply enemized this week by a stronger Aces team, who managed to hold onto their own shit quite nicely."

2. ChuckNorrisment. "The Wyse Guys suffered a virtual chucknorrisment at the hands of the mighty Aces this past week."

1. Ballardization. To screw something up absolutely completely, over and over again. "The Wyse Guys defensive game this week can only be described as a sickening ballardization of the game of hockey."

To all the Jims and Bobs and Randys out there in TV, radio and print: I give my consent for you to use any or all of these terms in your next article or broadcast.

Game stats, for those who want the numbers: Aces 9, Wyse Guys 0.

Scoring for the blackshirts: Brian with 2, Art also with 2, plus singles from Ralph, Joe, Al, Bob and Rich.

And of course an outstanding game in net by Raj. The score did not tell the whole story as the Wyse Guys played hard to the final buzzer. And still they were cockwhipped.

Substandard Conditions in Athletes' Village Take Aces Off Their Game

In spite of assurances by Indian authorities that substandard conditions in the athletes' village had been rectified, Aces players appeared to be suffering some ill effects from their accomodations this week as they fell 4-3 to a focused Warriors squad.

"There's no hot water in the showers" whined Aces forward and channa tester Paul Ferris "It's all I can think about when I'm on the ice." Other players voiced similar complaints, including:

• "A monkey stole my skates" - Mike K
• "I am so sick of Kingfisher beer it's not even funny" - Al H
• "There's a cow in my room. I can't sleep" - Ralph R
• "I found a cobra in my jockstrap. Hiyo!" - Bruce H
• "All my equipment was stolen, and I had to buy it back from a homeless family for 10,000 rupees. I was saving that money for monkey repellent!" - Maurice V

Apparently all the distractions have had a negative impact on the Aces' game, since they could not mount the same kind of attack that propelled them to an 8-3 victory in week one. In spite of goals from Aubrey, Rich, and another player whose name I forget now, the blackshirts came out on the losing end of things.

Aces coach Aubrey S has promised to bring a more focused team to next week's match, going so far as to cancel a scheduled trip to Mrs Sangeeta's International House of Sexual Delights and Fine Discount Tailoring (pictured below).

Let's hope this tactic works.

Aces Sign New Bob, Whip Wyse Guys Asses

The 2010-2011 COTHL season began with a victory for the Black Aces, who appear set to continue their domination of the regular season once again. As per the team charter, the Aces have secured the services of at least one Bob for this year, a tradition that dates back to the early days of the league in the 1930s. That year the black shirts cruised to overall victory with the help of Black Bob McNastyman, an out of work police officer (suspended for being too mean to the Irish residents of Cabbagetown, if you can believe it) with a laser-like wrist shot (this was in the days before slap shots. Or lasers, for that matter) and a mean-streak a mile wide. Black Bob wasn't actually black, his nickname referred to the colour of his eyes when he set his sights on his next victim. Also to his teeth. Dentistry wasn't yet much in vogue in 1930s Toronto, and Bob's British heritage pretty much ensured his status as 'dentally challenged'.

Since that season every Aces team has employed at least one Bob. This year's Bob is again a defenseman with a laser-like wrist shot, as shown by his 2 goal performance in the Aces' 8-3 demolition of the red shirted Wyse Guys squad.

Besides New Bob, the difference in Game One had to be goaltending. Aces keeper Raj C looked sharp all night long, while the red goalie looked... like the opposite of sharp. Some questionable goals early on led to a visible deflation of the red team, which only led to more goals from black, which led to lower morale on red, and so on. This in spite of a red team rolling what looked like 3 full lines versus 2-lines-plus-one on side black.

Other scorers, to the best of my recollection: Ralph with 2, plus one each for Mike, Aubrey, Rich, and Joe Two-Names.

A big welcome back to team sponsor Joe Himalaya, in town dropping off a load of tequila worms from his Mexican ranch. Joe is only around for a couple of weeks before heading back to the ranch, so make sure your sweaters are freshly cleaned and pressed next week, lads. We want to make sure we get good rates for the team Christmas party this year.

As a special 'welcome back' feature, your blog host is pleased to present a short inspirational video suggested by team owner and rolfing specialist Aubrey Spring: Life in the Beer League