Aces Take Two Game Series 12-10

While hockey fans the world over were being distracted by the Olympics, Toronto hockey team Aubrey’s Aces completed a 2 game series with the Warriors this past wednesday, emerging victorious by a 12-10 margin and retaining their hold on first place in the COTHL.

As fans will recall, game one of the series was held January 27. In that game, the mighty Aces easily swept the weakling Warriors aside by a 9-3 margin. That comfortable cushion was enough to allow the Aces to use game 2 as a rest day, ensuring that optimal energy levels are maintained in the run-up to the playoffs. The blackshirts opted to go with a full bench, evenly spreading the effort level around the team so that no single player would have to over-exert himself.

The Warriors, meanwhile, foolishly expended large amounts of energy through all three periods of the game, repeatedly engaging in unwise displays of aggressive forechecking, rugged defensive play, and fuel-inefficient end-to-end rushes. Aces team calorimetrics expert Mike King estimates that the game cost the Warriors 15 kilojoules per goal... per player! The fools. “At this rate” laughed King after the game, peering up from his scientific calculator “They will be out of gas before the playoffs even begin! What a bunch of n00bs!”

The final result in game 2 was a 3-7 “loss”, but of course the actual final score was 12-10 in favour of the Aces. More importantly, the Aces were able to maintain full energy reserves, which will be crucial down the home stretch and into the post-season.

The Magnificent Seven or Eight

A cold wind blows across an empty ice rink, somewhere in central Toronto. Don’t ask how a wind can blow indoors, ok? It just does. And it’s cold.

The gate opens with a bang, and the Wyse Guys stream onto the ice - player after player after player until the rink is half full of circling skaters, perhaps 35 in all.

A few moments pass before the Aces appear... seven players in total. Goalie Raj plus only six skaters: Maurice, Al and Jeff on defense, and Ralph, Mike, and Brian up front. That’s it. Seven stalwart men in black jerseys against a swirling army of foes.

The outcome seemed a foregone conclusion; the Aces would fall for the second week in a row. How could it not come to pass? Against a force five times their size the Aces, though mighty beyond reckoning, could not possibly prevail... or could they?

The first sign that things would not go entirely the Wyse Guys’ way came before the first puck was dropped. A shadowy figure appears behind the Aces’ bench, and the key to the room is passed to him - Joe TwoNames has arrived, and the team would soon have one more pair of legs and lungs to send into battle. That would mean seven skaters plus a goalie, and more importantly, two spares on the bench at all times.

The first period saw the Aces not only keep pace with their fully-stocked opponents, but actually outplay, outshoot and outchance them. Thanks to some solid play by the Wyse Guys’ goalkeeper the period ended in a 0-0 draw. In the Aces net Raj was also showing that he was very much on his game, turning aside several tough chances.

The Wyse Guys, however, would slowly pull away in periods two and three. Taking advantage of the Aces’ diminishing energy levels, the Guys would put the puck in the net twice before the Aces could answer with any goals of their own.

But answer they did, with goals from Ralph and Brian. The game was tied 2-2 heading into the final few minutes and the Aces were seriously out of gas. A mad scramble around the Aces goal and the puck was shoved over the line! Only to be called back by a brave call by ref Donny: at least one enemy player was in the crease at the time of the goal and it was waived off.

Final score: 8 Aces 2, 35 Wyse Guys also 2. Do the math: Aces clearly win on goals per player ratio.

And finally, a plea for all Aces players currently deployed overseas to get on the next flight home. That means Art W, currently in India seeking enlightenment through consumption of massive quantities of cheap Indian beer, and Joe Himalaya, presently in hiding from the Mexican mafia somewhere in Puerto Vallarta.

Aces Resume Mid-Season Tailspin

Only a week after riding high on a stunning one game win streak, the mighty Aces now find themselves languishing in first place in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League after a humiliating loss to the powerful last place Bloor Battlers.

This, remember, comes hot on the heels of an earlier one game losing streak the week before. The unpredictable Aces are now officially in the midst of an all out death spiral. Can second place be far behind?

Game details

The Battlers iced 6 full lines and 8 defense versus the Aces more casual 6-ish forwards and 4 (give or take) D. This disparity would prove the difference in the end, as the Aces could not maintain the necessary pace for the full 3 periods. The Battlers meanwhile were rolling their 6 lines all night with support from a team of massage therapists, nutritionists, and sport psychologists. The Aces never stood a chance.

Aces mountaineering expert Joe Himalaya has promised to level the playing field on his return by keeping the bench fully stocked with top quality Chinese-made oxygen tanks scavenged from the slopes of Everest. Something to look forward to come playoff time.

Final score: 6-2 for the bad guys, but fuck them anyway. They can have their hollow midseason win. Who cares if their star players have started showing up again? The Aces are solid for the playoffs, once all of their star players start showing up. Which should be next week, since we’re back to the early time slot.

In the meantime, please enjoy this week’s video presentation of a turtle having a really good time.