Aces Finally End Devastating One Game Losing Streak

January 27 saw local hockey team Aubrey’s Aces score a decisive 9-3 blowout of league basement-dwellers the Warriors, ending their frustrating losing streak at one game.

“We finally got that monkey off our backs.” said team primatologist Al Heavenrich. “You could tell it was really causing everyone a lot of stress. There were even a couple of fights at practice.”

The Aces were backstopped by backup goalie and team feng shui consultant Aubrey Spring. “We really had a lot of good Qi on our side.” said Spring “Very good energy, especially around our net. Plus it felt great to end that awful one game slide.”

Around the other net, the Aces were all business all the time. Team eschatologist Bruce Harbinson buried the Warriors almost singlehandedly with a hat trick, and callups Alex and Don (?) chipped in with some solid play at both ends of the rink.

Again, the blackshirts were running a short bench, but again, 2 lines and 3 defensemen were all they needed to crush the opposition. The Aces have decided to rest some key personnel, sending Art and Joey to the Far East for top secret Puck Fu training in advance of the playoffs. Good luck, boys. Don’t drink the water.

Aces Mediocre in Meaningless Midseason Match

In their latest game, the Aces HC took a short break from their relentless march to glory to hand the Wyse Guys a false-confidence-boosting victory.

The Blackshirts were down to 2 lines and 4 D, a couple of bodies short of the opposition, who had pretty much a full bench. Not that that was the difference though, as the Aces have proved in the past that they are capable of delivering a whuppin‘ to any other team in the COTHL with or without a full lineup.

Was it a team-wide power failure? A lack of cohesion amongst a normally tight-knit group of dedicated and talented players? No, this was more a case of midseason ennui than a case of being outplayed. These are the dog days of winter, after all, when even highly trained athletes like Maurice Le VanVeghel find it tough to get motivated.

“I am zees way ev-ery Janvier” said a nonchalent Le VV apres le contest, casually smoking a Gitane and clutching a dogeared copy of Camus’ L’Etranger in the team dressing room. “Viss ze ‘oliday saison ovair, I cannot care so much about life. I do not care if ze ozair team zey skate by me, or if zey can score. Meh. My heart she is as black as zees Aces jersey, and ze rats zey have infested my soul.”

No-show Swervin Barry Pervin was even more laid back, deciding to skip the game altogether in favour of catching a TMZ marathon on the Bio channel. “I was going to go to the game, dude, seriously.” said the normally pugilistic Pervin from his Lazyboy armchair. “But I just couldn’t get it together, not with all this vital celebrity news to watch on tv. Did we win? Oh who am I kidding? I couldn’t care less. Never mind. ”

The game was actually a reasonably close affair given the almost complete lack of interest shown by the Aces crew. Down 3-2 with a couple of minutes to go, the team pulled their goalie and did mount a sustained attack, keeping the puck in the Wyse Guys’ end for a good 15 seconds and narrowly missing the tying goal on a shot by Art “I’m going on holiday again next week, so screw this action” Wogrinetz. The Wyse Guys stormed back to fire one into the empty cage, triggering a huge celebration on the red team’s bench. League officials are said to be unhappy with the extent of that celebration, as it involved some over-exuberant firearm use, which of course is strictly limited in the league charter to one (registered) handgun per team.

Another last minute goal by the Wyse Guys made the final score 5-2, but by the time the final puck went into the net most of the Aces were already checking their blackberrys, including goaltender and exciting puck-handler Raj Chockalingam. Raj still thinks the final score was 4-2.

Goal scorers for the Aces: Art with a nice deke in close on the again suspiciously solid WGs keeper, and your humble narrator with a shot from the point that somehow found its way through traffic to the back of the net.

Aces players can expect a friendly phonecall from team sports psychologist Bruce Harbinson, just as soon as his spleen grows back.

Fair and Balanced Aces Attack Results in Another Win

There is an old Icelandic proverb that states "Mediocrity is climbing molehills without sweating". I have no idea what that means, but in their latest outing in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League, the first place Black Aces retained their hold on top spot by shutting down the Bloor Battlers in a stunning display of consistency across all positions.

In scientific terms, the Aces might be compared to a flat, featureless Euclidean plane - no highs, but no lows either. Or perhaps we can consider them to be the cosmic background radiation of the COTHL - an all-encompassing energy field of mind-numbing uniformity almost too weak to be detected... until they KICK YOUR ASS. While other teams might ice one or two stars, they are also stuck with some weaker players to balance things out. Not so the blackshirts. No superstars, but no deadwood either. Everyone pulls together in a robotically consistent way to lull the opposition into a false sense of complacency. "How can we not be beating these guys?" you can almost hear the other teams saying to one another "We have one or two stars, but they do not. "

While their opponents scratch their heads in befuddlement, the Fox News-like Aces machine quietly goes to work. Before they know what happened, the game is over and the scoreboard says Aces 4, Bloor Battlers 2. Again.

Goal scorers this week: Rich, Ralph, Mike and Art. Special mention: every other Aces player.

Spear Carriers Carry the Day

Area hockey club the Black Aces put in a workmanlike performance in their most recent game, prevailing 6-4 over the Warriors in spite of hitting the ice without any of their highly paid snipers. It was left to the spear carriers, the plumbers, the Joe Six Packs to grind out the victory.

Where are the pretty boys, you ask? Here:

• Joey Himalaya: Nepal, Mexico, the Playboy Mansion... take your pick. Maybe all three.
• Brian M: still recovering from an arm transplant.
• Brian 2: Sheep 'shearing' in New Zealand.
• Art W: Lamas class with the Missus.
• Andrew: Rib transplant (Honey Garlic)
• Mike: post-christmas rehab

The Aces trades deuces with the Warriors all night, falling behind 2-0 early in the first, only to tie it at 2 with seconds to go in the frame. The second period put the black shirts ahead 4-2 for a while but the Warriors fought back to tie the game again. In the third, Aces D man Jeff atoned for a miserable defensive night with a rare goal to put the team up for good, and then the team added another to complete the deuce.

The win helped the Aces maintain their stranglehold on first place in the COTHL and now puts their unbeaten string for 2010 at one game.

Please join the Aces this wednesday as they attempt to keep their streak alive. Just to keep things interesting, not only will the snipers be asked to stay home but the team will be playing without a goalie. Instead, the nets will be minded by a basket of kittens and a small potted plant.