Stopulon versus the Savenator

Aeons ago, deep in the primordial waters off the coast of what would one day become the island nation of Japan, strange chemicals began to ooze from a crack in the ocean’s floor. The local aquatic life all fled, save for two battling sea crabs who were too focused on fighting one another to notice the deadly chemicals in time to scuttle to safety.

The chemical brew enveloped the duelling crustaceans, causing them to halt their death battle, but not before irreversible changes began to occur inside their crab DNA. Strange new appendages began to appear where before were only claws, and their size increased 1,000-fold until they were the size of modern day men.

As the millennia unfolded, the two creatures, now immortal, would only rarely cross paths. Each time they would re-engage in battle, and each time they battled no winner could be declared and the creatures would lurch away exhausted and frustrated, each vowing to defeat the other the next time they met.

The mutations wrought by their chemical exposure all those years ago did not cease, and each time the former crustaceans did battle they did so as entirely transformed beings.

Flash forward to December 23, 2009. Phil White Arena, Toronto Ontario Canada. This, gentle reader, was the scene of the most recent clash between our two immortal foes, now mutated into the form of deadly efficient puck-stopping machines… Stopulon and The Savenator!



Once again the mighty enemies engaged in battle! And once again no winner could be declared. Stopulon, now playing goal for the Wyse Guys, turned aside a multitude of shots from the dominating Black Aces squad. The Savenator, now in net for the Aces, was equally unbeatable. The game ended in a scoreless draw, and the two ancient foes would once again return to their homes in the deepest ocean to await the inevitable mutations that would prepare them for their next encounter.

PGA to Tiger :“We’re okay without you”. COTHL to McCartney: “Please come back! – Please!”

A big thank you to Special Guest contributor this week, Raj "Raj" Chockalingam, Aces' back-up scribe.

In a stunning development that is spanning multiple sports, star athletes around the globe are disappearing in the midst of scandal and intrigue. First we had the explosive scandal surrounding golf’s Teflon superstar Tiger Woods disappearing into a wake of ladies that all look like his wife (I know right). And now this, Aces' scribe and top 4 blueliner, not to mention, COTHL historian has disappeared in the most bizarre of fashions. Lets take a look at these two parallel situations and their potential ramifications on sport, the global economy and life as we know it.

First, Tiger Woods, since his was the first situation to rip through the media. By now, most of you know the basics of this story. I won’t revisit the particulars as most are familiar and I can’t keep up with the body count. Suffice to say, the PGA without Tiger has put on a brave face and has no fears of smaller prize purses and smaller TV audiences. When asked for comment golf nut Mike “Drive for Show, Putt for Dough” King had this to say “Oh yeah, we can all relate to the average PGA golfer, guys like ‘Trust Fund Jones III’ and ‘Prep School Pete Moneybags’ – give me a break.” Also chiming in was noted Fairway fanatic Art with these sage words “Tigers fist pump or Phil’s super manly tough guy tip of the cap – I’m not even going to dignify that question.” It seems clear to this reporter that Tiger will be missed until his return, whenever that might be. (Editor’s note: See you in April during the Masters, you know that tournament that he owns).

Now for the far more interesting development: Where’s Waldo, er-I mean, where’s Jeff McCartney? This disappearing act is far more bizarre than Tiger’s and even shorter than an Ottawa Senators “playoff run”. In what has been a routine season for the Aces of taking their sweet time getting back to first place everything seemed to be running smoothly. The beer duties were being rotated through the team, which seems to be where our mystery begins. In a week where two sets of beer arrived, it was decided Jeff would bring again the next week, he did and hasn’t been seen since. One has to wonder if this is where it all went wrong. Jeff’s absence has had many strange outcomes. First, since the event Molson has come out with their 67 beer, is it a shot at the Leafs, only Jeff knows. The actual Leafs have been on a streak due to some unknown catalyst, what is it, only Jeff knows. (Editors note: Jeff probably had nothing to do with these things but I couldn’t think of another way to mention them). Last night players from all four teams came to the early game. When asked for comment, Bruce ‘the Moose” Harbinson said “Look I read the write-up to figure out whats going on and …wait, this isn’t about that lazy rosterbot – NO COMMENT!” Others have questioned if the games are even valid without a writeup, poignant pugilist Barry Pervin on Jeff’s absence “Listen my job is to keep the other team in line, especially ‘you know who’ and he was pretty quiet all night, so yeah I did my job” and then he crushed another empty on his head. Weird I know.

So there you have it. Two sports, two stars missing. Well, maybe one isn’t that relevant or interesting, but no one watches golf till April anyway.

(Final Editors note: Aces won – again! Happy Holidays.)

Large Hadron Collider Breaks Energy Record, Creates Rift in Spacetime Continuum

In a stunning breakthrough, the recently completed Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland set a world record when it accelerated twin proton beams to an energy of 1.18 TeV (teraelectronvolts), surpassing the record of 0.98 TeV set in 2001 by the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory Tevatron collider in the U.S. Physicists at the LHC facility are now reporting that this massive energy release has somehow created a 'rift in the spacetime continuum', which until now had been a fictional pseudo-scientific phenomenon from the Star Trek television show.

"This is most unusual" reported LHC Chief Physicist Dexter McNerdlinger "Not only has a formerly nonsensical dramatic device somehow become real, it appears to have had a strange effect on world events. Just look at these headlines from the BBC World News Service:"

"Ceasefire Announced in Afghanistan"
"Rainfall Across Australia"
"Steven Harper Falls Into Tar Sands - Search Called Off"
"Somalian Pirates Lay Down Weapons, Take up Fishing"
"Toronto Hockey Blogger Wins Pullitzer Prize for Literature"
"Black Aces Take Over First Place"

"It's incredible, isn't it?" said Nerdlinger "Like the world has suddenly regained its sanity, and everything is happening just the way it ought to. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get home - my supermodel wife has promised me an evening of carnal delights such as would make a sultan blush."