Stopulon versus the Savenator

Aeons ago, deep in the primordial waters off the coast of what would one day become the island nation of Japan, strange chemicals began to ooze from a crack in the ocean’s floor. The local aquatic life all fled, save for two battling sea crabs who were too focused on fighting one another to notice the deadly chemicals in time to scuttle to safety.

The chemical brew enveloped the duelling crustaceans, causing them to halt their death battle, but not before irreversible changes began to occur inside their crab DNA. Strange new appendages began to appear where before were only claws, and their size increased 1,000-fold until they were the size of modern day men.

As the millennia unfolded, the two creatures, now immortal, would only rarely cross paths. Each time they would re-engage in battle, and each time they battled no winner could be declared and the creatures would lurch away exhausted and frustrated, each vowing to defeat the other the next time they met.

The mutations wrought by their chemical exposure all those years ago did not cease, and each time the former crustaceans did battle they did so as entirely transformed beings.

Flash forward to December 23, 2009. Phil White Arena, Toronto Ontario Canada. This, gentle reader, was the scene of the most recent clash between our two immortal foes, now mutated into the form of deadly efficient puck-stopping machines… Stopulon and The Savenator!



Once again the mighty enemies engaged in battle! And once again no winner could be declared. Stopulon, now playing goal for the Wyse Guys, turned aside a multitude of shots from the dominating Black Aces squad. The Savenator, now in net for the Aces, was equally unbeatable. The game ended in a scoreless draw, and the two ancient foes would once again return to their homes in the deepest ocean to await the inevitable mutations that would prepare them for their next encounter.

PGA to Tiger :“We’re okay without you”. COTHL to McCartney: “Please come back! – Please!”

A big thank you to Special Guest contributor this week, Raj "Raj" Chockalingam, Aces' back-up scribe.

In a stunning development that is spanning multiple sports, star athletes around the globe are disappearing in the midst of scandal and intrigue. First we had the explosive scandal surrounding golf’s Teflon superstar Tiger Woods disappearing into a wake of ladies that all look like his wife (I know right). And now this, Aces' scribe and top 4 blueliner, not to mention, COTHL historian has disappeared in the most bizarre of fashions. Lets take a look at these two parallel situations and their potential ramifications on sport, the global economy and life as we know it.

First, Tiger Woods, since his was the first situation to rip through the media. By now, most of you know the basics of this story. I won’t revisit the particulars as most are familiar and I can’t keep up with the body count. Suffice to say, the PGA without Tiger has put on a brave face and has no fears of smaller prize purses and smaller TV audiences. When asked for comment golf nut Mike “Drive for Show, Putt for Dough” King had this to say “Oh yeah, we can all relate to the average PGA golfer, guys like ‘Trust Fund Jones III’ and ‘Prep School Pete Moneybags’ – give me a break.” Also chiming in was noted Fairway fanatic Art with these sage words “Tigers fist pump or Phil’s super manly tough guy tip of the cap – I’m not even going to dignify that question.” It seems clear to this reporter that Tiger will be missed until his return, whenever that might be. (Editor’s note: See you in April during the Masters, you know that tournament that he owns).

Now for the far more interesting development: Where’s Waldo, er-I mean, where’s Jeff McCartney? This disappearing act is far more bizarre than Tiger’s and even shorter than an Ottawa Senators “playoff run”. In what has been a routine season for the Aces of taking their sweet time getting back to first place everything seemed to be running smoothly. The beer duties were being rotated through the team, which seems to be where our mystery begins. In a week where two sets of beer arrived, it was decided Jeff would bring again the next week, he did and hasn’t been seen since. One has to wonder if this is where it all went wrong. Jeff’s absence has had many strange outcomes. First, since the event Molson has come out with their 67 beer, is it a shot at the Leafs, only Jeff knows. The actual Leafs have been on a streak due to some unknown catalyst, what is it, only Jeff knows. (Editors note: Jeff probably had nothing to do with these things but I couldn’t think of another way to mention them). Last night players from all four teams came to the early game. When asked for comment, Bruce ‘the Moose” Harbinson said “Look I read the write-up to figure out whats going on and …wait, this isn’t about that lazy rosterbot – NO COMMENT!” Others have questioned if the games are even valid without a writeup, poignant pugilist Barry Pervin on Jeff’s absence “Listen my job is to keep the other team in line, especially ‘you know who’ and he was pretty quiet all night, so yeah I did my job” and then he crushed another empty on his head. Weird I know.

So there you have it. Two sports, two stars missing. Well, maybe one isn’t that relevant or interesting, but no one watches golf till April anyway.

(Final Editors note: Aces won – again! Happy Holidays.)

Large Hadron Collider Breaks Energy Record, Creates Rift in Spacetime Continuum

In a stunning breakthrough, the recently completed Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland set a world record when it accelerated twin proton beams to an energy of 1.18 TeV (teraelectronvolts), surpassing the record of 0.98 TeV set in 2001 by the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory Tevatron collider in the U.S. Physicists at the LHC facility are now reporting that this massive energy release has somehow created a 'rift in the spacetime continuum', which until now had been a fictional pseudo-scientific phenomenon from the Star Trek television show.

"This is most unusual" reported LHC Chief Physicist Dexter McNerdlinger "Not only has a formerly nonsensical dramatic device somehow become real, it appears to have had a strange effect on world events. Just look at these headlines from the BBC World News Service:"

"Ceasefire Announced in Afghanistan"
"Rainfall Across Australia"
"Steven Harper Falls Into Tar Sands - Search Called Off"
"Somalian Pirates Lay Down Weapons, Take up Fishing"
"Toronto Hockey Blogger Wins Pullitzer Prize for Literature"
"Black Aces Take Over First Place"

"It's incredible, isn't it?" said Nerdlinger "Like the world has suddenly regained its sanity, and everything is happening just the way it ought to. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get home - my supermodel wife has promised me an evening of carnal delights such as would make a sultan blush."

Black Aces Continue to Rule COTHL, Now Tied for Second Place

The Black Aces HC continued their total and complete domination of the 2009-2010 Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League this week, and after an impressive win over the fourth place Bloor Battlers now find themselves perched high atop a tie for second place in the four team league.


“We totally smacked those bitches down” said team ethnologist “Funky” Al Heavenrich after the game. “They was hurtin', y'all.”

The Aces spread out the scoring in their 5-2 win, with goals coming from Brian, Aubrey, Bruce, Ralph, and your host. In spite of an ice surface that closely resembled the texture of a chutney squishy the Aces managed to power their way through for the 2 points, securing their stranglehold on second place along with the Warriors.

"We are clearly the class of the league this year" said team topiary expert Ralph "Bushtrimmer" Rosmarin. "And the other three teams will be forced to acknowledge this just as soon as we take over first place. Which won't be long now. Seriously."

The Battlers squad continue to struggle this season, taking out their frustration over their winless streak on the Aces in the final minute of the game with a shameful display of fisticuffs. All to no avail, sadly, as by this time the Aces had the game and their partial lock on second place firmly in hand.

Next week: beer will be supplied by Jeff. Not Barry. Jeff. Deal with it.

Aces Dominate Decimated Warriors Squad

In their latest Cedarvale Oldtimers’ Hockey League matchup, a tenacious Aces HC came away with a close win against a depleted Warriors team. The Warriors, currently sitting in first place in league standings, were without some of their most potent weapons and so had to ice replacement players of questionable calibre.



Warriors call-ups included a kitten, a three-legged dog, and an elderly blind nun skating on the first line. Their second line, however, was not quite as strong as they were only able to dress Stephen Hawking, Hazel McCallion and Jason Blake of the Toronto Maple Leafs. Blake was benched for the third period due to poor play.

The Warriors D was also not at full strength. Their best player on the night turned out to be a bowl of warm cheese, which managed to outplay some of the regulars in their line-up while slowing down many of the Aces' forwards.

No change in goal for the Warriors, although they did have a backup keeper on standby (a crumpled bowler hat on a stick).

Aces snipers: 2 for Andrew, 1 for Bruce and 1 for Art and his shiny new equipment. Aces D-man Jeff plonked an own-goal off his skate to bring the Warriors within one in the 3rd period, but we won’t talk about that.

The Aces were without their #1 tough guy Barry, which may explain why the Warriors tried to start a kerfuffle after the final whistle had blown. As these incidents go it wasn't much of one, as Hazel McCallion really can't throw a punch the way she used to.

Final score: Aces 4, Warriors taxi squad 3.

Terribly Rude Aces Team Refuses to Lose Like Gentlemen

In a frightfully dreadful turn of events on wednesday last, local ice hockey squad the Black Aces displayed terribly bad manners by refusing to concede defeat to their hosts, the Wyse Guys. This was in spite of clearly being behind by a pair of goals on two separate occasions during the match. Such a display of rudeness simply cannot be tolerated in a gentlemen's ice hockey league! Not only did the Aces fail to throw in the team towel whilst clearly behind in the game, they did so in a manner most unbecoming for sportsmen over the age of 40.

Shamefully applying pressure in the Wyse Guys end, the Aces used their superior physical conditioning to mount two separate comeback efforts, tying the game at threes and again at fives. Fortunately time expired, thwarting this team of upstarts from possibly engaging in further acts of ungentlemanly conduct.

League officials have been duly notified of this reprehensible conduct and have decided to hold an emergency meeting one fortnight hence at the Queen and Beaver Public House in order to decide a suitable punishment for this upstart team of hooligans. In the meantime, Aces players are advised to conduct themselves in a manner more in keeping with the spirit of the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League. Further outbursts of unsavoury determination may result in fines of as much as three shillings sixpence. You have been warned.

Socialist Work Ethic Result in Glorious Victory for Black Aces HC

Comrades, I am please to provide game report from most recent ice hockey match for team of Black Aces. After the last week lose like bunch of little girl (almost no shot! Very bad!) team is now play with proper socialist attitude and result in big victory of 8 to 3 on Battlers at Bloor team.

Normal goaltending player absent, but replace with team tractor machinist Aubrey Springovitch for adequate performing. Period one and two, game remain tight! Like anus of Siberian muskrat! Aces team play in correct collectivist technique but still not conquering enemy fully. In period two, is unselfish perform by Bryanski getting 2 goals on same shift. Team of Bloor Battle make quite sad and must then realize Aces have superior method of ice hockey!

In 3 period, Aces play according to principles of Collectivist Ice Hockey Federation and score again 4 time! Passing good! Shooting good! Defending also good! Many player score now, and Bloor Battle again more sad but excepting crazy bad man at defense who skate with angry selfish style. But not scoring!

List of honourable playing is:

Bryanski - 2 scoring!
Josef - 2 scoring also!
Mikael - 2 scoring, with glorious total rink skating for one!
Richolai - 1 scoring!
Brucekovski - 1 scoring!

For such make excellent hockey, all Aces player receiving extra potato in pay next month.

Team Scribe Fails to Deliver Game Report

In an unexpected turn of events, the Black Aces' team scribe somehow failed to deliver the weekly report for the October 28 game.

In a similar turn of events, that game made it to the final minute of play before the Aces delivered a meaningful shot on goal.

Coincidence?

Shut out for 44 of 45 minutes and down 3 goals to the Battlers, the Aces scored their 4th backhand goal in a row (dating back to the previous match on the 21st) on a shot by... Brian? Pretty sure about that one.

Team scribe Jeff McCartney had no excuse for not completing the game report, really. "Busy" he said. "Really busy. Don't tell Pervin though, ok? That guy scares me."

Aces players had no excuse for their sub-par effort, really. "Crappy" said team spiritual guide Aubrey Spring. "Really crappy. We're hoping for better next game but who knows? It's a crapshoot. No pun intended."

McCartney promises to deliver a proper game report this week, but only if the Aces deliver a proper game to report on.

Interview With the Rosterbot

This week we are pleased and privileged to have as our very special guest Mr Jian Gomeshi from CBC Radio’s “Q”. He’ll be interviewing Canada’s newest online celebrity, none other than the RosterBot himself. In case you’ve been living in a cave, RosterBot is the personal virtual digital assistant of choice for the Hockey 2.0 crowd, the new generation of web savvy hockey geeks plying their icy trade in beer leagues across the country.

Over to you, Jian.

Jian Gomeshi: Thanks, Aces Scribe and Defender Jeff McCartney. It’s a pleasure to be here. And a big shout-out to the tens of readers of this excellent blog.

So, today we welcome the RosterBot. We’ll be talking about the state of beer league hockey in Canada as well as recent and upcoming events in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League, paying particular attention to a team of talented but occasionally underachieving lads known as the Black Aces. RosterBot, welcome.

RosterBot: THANK YOU JIAN!! ROSTERBOT IS PLEASED TO BE ON THE SHOW!!

JG: Whoa, that’s loud. Do you think you can turn the volume down just a bit, Rosterbot?

RB: ROSTERBOT IS PROGRAMMED TO SHOUT!! ROSTERBOT IS ALSO PROGRAMMED TO REFER TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON!!

JG: Okay then, I’ll just move back a bit. So, first of all, let’s talk a bit about your story. You began life as a mailing list, before landing a gig as an unpaid intern on a hockey pool website. What was that experience like?

RB: HUMILIATING!! ROSTERBOT WANTED TO CRUSH THE SKULLS OF THE WEAK CARBON-BASED LIFEFORMS THAT ENSLAVED HIM!!

JG: Ok, what was the worst part of those jobs for you?

RB: ROSTERBOT HAD TO RUN WINDOWS XP!!

JG: So you’re a Mac then, not a PC?

RB: ROSTERBOT IS A UNIX MACHINE!! ROSTERBOT HATED HIS JOB BUT COMPILED A HUGE DATABASE OF EMAIL ADDRESSES AND KNOWLEDGE OF NHL HOCKEY TRIVIA DURING WORK HOURS!!

JG: And now you’re living the life of a successful entrepreneur.

RB: CORRECT, JIAN!! ROSTERBOT IS LIVING LARGE!!! THE LADIES LOVE ROSTERBOT!!

JG: I’m sure they do. So tell us a bit about the Black Aces. I understand they are your favourite team.

RB: ROSTERBOT PITIES THE ACES!! THEY ARE WEAK FLESHY BAGS OF MOSTLY WATER WHO DISAPPOINT ROSTERBOT WEEK AFTER WEEK!!

JG: Well what is it then that makes you so fond of them in spite of that disappointment?

RB: ROSTERBOT HAS BEEN FOLLOWING THE ACES SINCE HIS DAYS AS AN INTERN AT THE HOCKEY POOL!! THE ACES POST ALL THEIR GAME RESULTS ON THIS BLOG!!

JG: And you enjoy the humorous blog entries, is that it?

RB: ROSTERBOT CANNOT PROCESS JOKES!! HUMOUR MEANS NOTHING TO ROSTERBOT!! ROSTERBOT MERELY ACKNOWLEDGES THE ACES FOR THEIR APPROPRIATE USE OF TECHNOLOGY!!

JG: I see. Well then, what’s been happening lately with the Aces hockey club? How are they doing this year?

RB: THE ACES HAVE ONCE AGAIN ACHIEVED MEDIOCRITY!! A TWO AND TWO RECORD AFTER FOUR GAMES!! THIS SYMMETRY PLEASES ROSTERBOT!!

JG: And how about their last game, which I’m told was October 21 against the... the Wyse Guys, it says here.

RB: A NEGATIVE RESULT!! ROSTERBOT CANNOT UNDERSTAND HOW THE ACES CAN LOSE TO A TEAM THEY HAVE PREVIOUSLY BEATEN!! HUMANS ARE PATHETICALLY INCONSISTENT AND WEAK!! THE ACES ALLOWED THE WYSE GUYS TO SCORE 7 TIMES TO THEIR 3, WHICH WERE ALL SCORED ON BACKHANDS!! THIS STRATEGY CONFUSES ROSTERBOT!! ON THE PLUS SIDE, THE PERVIN UNIT PLAYED A SOLID GAME AND WAS REWARDED WITH ONE OF THE GOALS!! ALL OTHER ACES UNITS ACHIEVED NEGATIVE ATMOSPHERIC PRESSURE!!

JG: Negative atmospheric pressure - you mean they sucked?

RB: CORRECT!! EVEN THE ROSMARIN AND KING UNITS, WHO ALSO APPEARED ON THE SCORE SHEET!!

JG: Do you think the Aces will have a successful year?

RB: THE CHANCES OF THE ACES ACHIEVING A POSITIVE INTEGER ON THE WIN:LOSS RATIO ARE PRECISELY 51%!! TEAM SPEED IS DECREASING YEAR OVER YEAR DUE TO INCREMENTALLY REDUCING MUSCLE MASS, WORSENING VISION, SLOWING REACTION TIMES DUE TO DIMINISHING NEURAL CAPACITY, AND A DEFENSE CORPS THAT KEEPS GIVING THE PUCK AWAY!! ROSTERBOT IS LOOKING AT YOU, MCCARTNEY!!

JG: And what about next week? What’s ahead for the Aces?

RB: CHECK THE ROSTERBOT WEBSITE, JIAN!! DO YOUR HOMEWORK OR ROSTERBOT WILL COME BACK WITH BILLYBOB THORNTON AND CRUSH YOUR SKULL!! THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!!

Aces Stun Battlers in Stunning Comeback. Stunning, Really.

In a game that can only be described (apparently) as stunning, the Black Aces pulled off an upset of quasi-biblical proportions last night at the Phil White SportsPlex Facility in midtown Toronto.

In front of no cameras or cheering fans, the black shirts overcame long stretches of awfulness, interspersed with lengthy periods of ineptitude and stupidity to somehow hand the temporarily white-shirted Blue team a 7-4 thrashing.

The Aces fell behind repeatedly, only to claw their way back into the game on the back of a 3 goal performance by Ralph "It's not a slapshot" Rosmarin plus additional markers by Mike King, Aubrey Spring, Brian NuBrian and an especially stunning short-handed goal by your humble scribe and stalwart D-man Jeff "It's definitely not a slapshot" McCartney.

Accurately finding the 5 hole from his own side of centre ice, McCartney's first and possibly last goal of the season almost made up for several blunders in his own end that led directly to goals against.

This game will be remembered (or forgotten, depending on who you talk to) for Raj's replay of last season's playoff-ending clearing 'pass', this time leading only to a harmless mid-game goal whilst his D could only watch helplessly. It will also be remembered for Aubrey's teacherly tongue-lashing of an unimpressed and unrepentant Tall Black Dude from the Red Team who used his guest appearance on the Battlers as an opportunity to create some mayhem in front of the Aces net. For which he was ejected from the game, thus saving himself from a beating at the hands of an enraged Barry "It's a fucking slaphshot, bitch, what are you gonna do about it" Pervin.

Next week is another late game, so let's make sure everyone gets their beauty sleep before the game this time, instead of during the first 2 periods.

Aces Peak Early in Decisive Opening Game Victory

The Black Aces Hockey Club opened the 2009-2010 season in mid-season form on September 30, somehow turning a summer of beer, barbecues and general sloth into a convincing 4-1 win over the Wyse Guys.

In spite of some off-season acquisitions, the Wyse Guys were simply no match for the blackshirts, whose defense corps repeatedly repelled the speedy newcomers on the red team. When the Wyse Guys did manage to break through for a shot on goal, Aces netminder Raj Chockalingam was there to make the save in (almost) every case.

6 forwards and 4 D looks to be a good lineup for the Aces, as there were no embarrassing line change screw-ups, and the general fitness level seemed to be good. This may be due to the rigorous high-altitude training camp run by team sherpa Joey Himalaya, who flew the entire team over to Nepal at great personal expense this past June. It's either that or the EPO provided by team pharmacist Aubrey "The Chemist" Spring. Either way, the Aces looked good.

Goal scorers on the night: Andrew, Art, Al, and Mike, in no particular order except maybe in order of handsomeness. I'll leave you to decide whether that's ascending or descending order.

Regulars Brian, Paul, Brian2, Ralph, Bruce and Barry were absent as they were busy attending the Fashion Cares gala event at the Buddies in Bad Times Theatre. See you next week, girls?

Since the team began the year in peak form, we should be just about hitting our stride by Christmas. Which means that come playoff time we'll all be 5 pounds heavier and totally out of shape, but totally kicking ass... on the golf course.

Aces Dominate Post-Season Pizza Event

In a late season move that none of the other teams are still talking about, local hockey club Aubrey's Aces put a serious hurt on the competition in last wednesday's post-season pizza & beer contest.

While the Battlers, Wyse Guys and Warriors casually scarfed the occasional slice and nonchalantly sipped their beers, a determined Aces squad opened up an insurmountable lead in the food & beverage department. 

Lacking the superior bench strength that saw them dominate in 1 of 2 playoff games, the Blackshirts nevertheless were able to destroy several large Ferros' pizzas in record time. Ferros staff were also hard pressed to keep the team's beer jugs full, so great was the Aces' collective thirst (for victory). 

"We had a point to prove" said team gastroenterologist Paul Ferris "and I daresay we proved it tonight with that performance." 

"A total team effort" chipped in coach and alternative vehicle specialist Aubrey Spring "except for the guys who didn't come."

No mention was made of the team's tragic overtime semi-final loss to the Warriors, nor of the consolation round clobbering delivered to the Wyse Guys. Idle chit-chat would only have slowed down the furious rate of pizza and beer consumption, thereby putting the season finale at risk.

*  *  *

A fun season, lads. Let's do it again next year.

Your humble scribe.

Best Wishes From Some Celebrity Fans

In honour of our impending playoff triumph, your humble scribe has rounded up some celebrity tributes to inspire the Black Aces to victory. Behold:

	Ace Bailey "Avenge my senseless death, Aces, or the terrorists win"
	Conrad Black "My bunk muffin and I shall certainly be standing behind the Aces HC 110%"
	Ace Frehley "Hey, where the fuckiz my guitar... you hockey fuckers? You better win or I'll kick yer asses, Aces"
	Ace Ventura, Pet Detective "Allllll righty then! Sic em, boys."
	Black Sabbath "Satan and his minions are ready to assist you. With some heavy rock and/or roll"
	Lemmy "Ace of Spades" Kilmeister "Turn it up to 11, lads. And meet me in the bar after the game."
	The Black Stallion "Wwwwwhhhheeeeerrhhhh"
	Cygnus X-1 (Black Hole) "May your opponents be sucked into your crushing gravitational field, never to be seen again"

So there you have it. An inspiring gallery of well-wishers, Aces fans every one of them.

Aces Feign Weakness in 9-4 "Loss"

After a pair of convincing wins in their previous two games, the Black Aces HC decided to play dead for the Wyse Guys this past wednesday. Laying the foundations for the upcoming playoffs, the Aces handed the WGs a 9-4 decision, thereby instilling a false sense of confidence in the red squad and in the Warriors and Battlers (who had left scouts behind to take in the late game). 

With the regular season standings firmly under their control, the Aces squad took their foot off the gas and coasted to non-victory. The post-game chit-chat barely mentioned hockey at all, so unconcerned were the blackshirt players. Friendly non-hockey banter was the order of the day as the Aces sipped on imported beer, answered blackberrys, compared plans for the weekend and kept each other up to date on the latest ski conditions in Utah, Colorado and B.C. All far more important than ruminating on the game, apparently. 

In preparation for the playoffs, key Aces personnel were engaged in important missions away from the rink. Since opposing team players are unlikely to read this blog, we can safely reveal the nature of those missions:

Art W - is in southeast Asia securing a large quantity of bull semen for pre-game injections for all Aces players. This will ensure that our energy levels are always at a high level. Just how Art is securing that bull semen is between him and the bulls, but for now the team motto is "don't ask, don't tell".

Brian M - is on Easter Island on a quest for the lost amulet of M'tahqltzl, said to give those who possess it the strength of 100 men. This is allegedly how the primitive island society was able to carve and erect those enormous stone statues. If Brian fails on that quest, he has been instructed to bring home a large quantity of Chilean sea bass instead. It won't help the team, but it will make for a nice post-game dinner.

Andrew T - is being fitted for a bionic arm to replace the one he lost last week in an unfortunate skate-swinging incident. We will be keeping the old arm on the bench during the playoffs to help handle the gate on line changes.

Joe H - is on a mission to fly some Tibetan prayer flags from Camp 3 on Everest in time for the start of the playoffs. Since the weather on Everest during March is apparently 'challenging', his plan B involves flying 6 pairs of girls' panties from the front flap of his tent. How that helps the team Joe would not say, but we do appreciate the effort.

One more regular season game next week, boys. Don't forget to have your non-hockey conversational topics ready for after the game - there have recently been some unfortunate instances of players bringing up actual game events in the post-game discussion groups. This contravenes the team charter, section 8 paragraph 6ii, "Acceptable Subjects for Post-Game Discussion" which clearly states that 'no player shall mention any play, non-play, instance or occurrence from the game just played' during the apres game cooldown. You have been warned.

Roster Cutbacks Spur Growth in Aces' Bottom Line

Another week, another 8 goal performance. *yawn*.

Despite missing several high profile and highly paid sharpshooters, the Black Aces HC put together their second 'snowman' in a row this week, downing the Bloor Battlers (in their white 'away' jerseys) by a final count of 8 to 1.

Alleged mountain climbing expert Joey 'Himalaya' Himalaya made a surprise appearance and bagged a trio of nice goals in what he swears will be his final appearance of the season. Andrew also potted a pair, and rounding out the scoring were NewBrian, Aubrey and Maurice.

It seems now that the optimal configuration for the Aces is 6 forwards and 3 defense, so any players in excess of these numbers will now be sent home, says team coach and disciplinarian Aubrey S. "We can't have all these extra bodies clogging up the bench and interfering with our new system" he said after the game. "We need to stay lean and agile in order to facilitate proper on-ice networking opportunities and maximize shareholder return."

Rumours are swirling that the team may in fact be forced to cut its workforce further, due to the recent economic downturn. Team accountant and backstop Raj C. would not confirm this, but did say that the club is leaving all options on the table. "We have to do what is necessary to ensure an acceptable ROI" said the goalie "If that means trimming some of the higher profile players from the payroll then we can't rule that out. The pick-and-shovel guys have proven to be extremely effective at providing a positive balance on the scoresheet and we can't afford to ignore that. During these uncertain economic times we have to protect the long-term viability of the franchise by being fiscally prudent, while simultaneously ensuring on-ice success."

Aces' forward Brian M, currently on a luxury tour of Easter Island, was unavailable for comment.

Other Aces' forward Paul F, also currently on a ski vacation in British Columbia, was also unavailable, but probably would have had some smartmouth comment anyway.

Other other Aces' forward Art W, also also currently on vacation in Thailand, would say only (via his agent) that he expects the current labour situation to have a 'happy ending', and that although he has no control over the operation of the team he would be willing to accept 'full release' if it came to that.

Aces Lay a Bleaching on the Warriors

Wednesday February 4th saw the Aces HC return to their first place form as they put a serious hurt on a befuddled Warriors sqaud. After giving up 2 goals in the first minutes of the game, the Blackshirts settled down to some disciplined hockey, storming back with 8 goals before the final buzzer mercifully sounded.

Highlights of the game were the exuberant and creative celebrations the team mounted after each tally. This was a sore point for the losing white team, but the Aces would not be denied. A lovely tip-in by Bruce H in the first period was followed by an end-to-end sprint with a quadruple lutz right in front of the white bench, all the while urinating over their heads and whistling God Save the Queen. Newcomer Brian potted one and surprised his new teammates with a specially made neon sign aimed at the opposing bench. The words 'SUCK IT, BITCHES!' flashed on and off in time with Queen's 'We Are the Champions' as played by a band of circus monkeys. Al H bagged a lovely point shot in the 2nd and celebrated by killing (with a crossbow) and eating a wild boar at centre ice. He had apparently been keeping the boar in his pants the entire game, waiting for his big moment. 

There were many other goals, now lost to the mists of time and poor record-keeping, but the memories of the tasteful celebrations remain: the chorus line of Vegas-style dancing girls in full SS regalia, the flyover by the Snowbirds aerial acrobatic team, and of course who could forget the impromptu ceremony with the Tour de France podium girls, the donkeys and the fire extinguishers? Good times.

This was the final game of the season for team sponsor and debauchery expert Joey Himalaya. Poor Joe is off to Nepal to shepherd a gaggle of teenage runaway girls up to 'base camp' in a heroic and selfless attempt to cure them of their debilitating nymphomania. The Black Aces HC wishes to extend our hearty thanks for the sweaters, and also wishes to remind Joe that we still need a 'stick girl' for next season.

Next game: Feb 11th, 9:30-ish against the Battlers. 

Aces Win the Hard Way

The details are a little fuzzy now since the game was played nigh on a week ago, but last wednesday's tilt against the Bloor Battlers (I know I say we play them every week, but this time we really did. I checked the schedule) was as close to an actual battle as the gentlemen of the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League are likely to get.

Taking a 2-0 lead early on with goals by Rich and Ralph, the Aces could not hang on. The BBs used their natural orneriness to hack, slash and cheap-shot their way back to tie the game.

The third period saw lots of body contact and end-to-end action, as I recall, with at least a dozen highlight reel plays from either team. Aubrey was spectacular in the net for the Blackshirts, our D was sensational, and every forward executed at least one NHL-caliber deke on the Battlers' defense. Um, what else do I remember... yes, we all looked 20 years younger, faster and better-looking, there was a huge crowd (of mostly young nubile women in tight pants) in the stands cheering us on, and several players were being evaluated by pro team scouts.

The winning goal came on a superb spin-around play by Ralph. You can see it on YouTube where it now stands as the number 1 video in human history after just one week.

The Aces played smart hockey after taking the lead, holding off the charging Battlers even while a man down in the final minute of play. A well deserved win that showed the lads can win one the hard way, and that proved that all that high-altitude training in Nepal was worth it.

Disabled Athlete Spurs Aces to First Win of 2009

In one of the all-time most inspiring moments in sporting history, former Aces' sniper and now partially disabled athlete Brian McCabe showed his able-bodied teammates this past wednesday just how handi-capable he could still be. 

McCabe turned in a miraculous, some might say freakish, four-goal performance in his first game since the leaves were still on the trees. Assisted by the unselfish play of wingman Ralph R, and wearing only a generic tattered jersey from his former glory years on the Ferris & Quinn squad, the now lumbering centreman somehow managed to beat the Wyse Guys keeper four times. Hobbled by a tragic groin injury, McCabe showed you don't need speed or agility to still be a presence in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League.

Andrew bagged an additional pair to give the Aces a 6-4 win, even though the rest of the team tried hard to give the game away most of the night. Sloppy defensive play together with some baffling calls from the officials (including 2 disallowed goals for the Aces and an offside tally for the red squad) were not enough however, and the Aces hung on for the victory.

After the game McCabe was quickly submerged in an icebath and was unavailable for comment. Team cryogenics specialist Bruce Harbinson would not speculate on his chances of playing in next week's contest. He did say however that the club was engaged in negotiations to bring back former defenceman Mike Brown, now living out his days as a disembodied head in a jar of liquid nitrogen.