Black Aces Hockey Club

Tragically, Hip.

2012-01-29T17:42:00.000-08:00

To a now long list of players retired from the illustrious ranks of the Black Aces Hockey Club we must sadly add the name Andrew Tarch. Andrew, MIA in the previous couple of games, reluctantly turned in his game jersey on wednesday and announced his retirement from the team due to the onset of arthritis in his hip.

Andrew left the door open to a return to the ice after completing the recommended physiotherapy, but for now he is officially on the permanent DL. In the meantime Andrew will be free to enjoy his retirement by sailing his yacht, wearing sweater vests and taking loads of Cialis. His wife could not be reached for comment.

In an emotional tribute to Andrew's contributions to the team over the years, team mixologist Ralph R took a 6 minute shift in the 3rd period.

In other news, the Aces fell 5-2 to the Warriors in spite of the white team being without several of their star players. The Aces also were down a few bodies and essentially ran out of gas in the 3rd, allowing a 2-2 tie to slip away from them.

"I thought we needed just one more player out there" said team luthier Gerry S after the game. "Like, say, a rangy left winger with good speed sort of like that guy who retired tonight. What was his name again? Right, Andrew. Something like that guy."

Part time goaltender and team dry goods specialist Aubrey S. spent the night between the pipes, filling in for regular and league all-star Raj C. A solid game was not enough however. Some unlucky bounces combined with a tired squad and that was that. Aces players had to console a dejected Aubrey after the game by reminding him that the loss was not his fault, but primarily the fault of Andrew for retiring just when his team needed him most. Andrew's jersey was ceremonially burned in the parking lot after the game and doused with two tall boys of leftover Bavaria beer from 8 weeks ago.

Please also note that in case of a municipal strike (and the termination of the season due to lack of facilities staff at Phil White Arena) next week's game will be held at Ferro's. Equipment optional.

Fuck you, Cedarvale Oldtimers's Hockey League!

Aces Narrowly Avert Draft Format with Last Minute Anti-Heroics

2012-01-22T19:43:00.000-08:00

"I choose... the kid with the Mexican villa"

In a move that will surely go down in team history, local hockey team tbe Black Aces narrowly averted a devastating League format change by executing a controlled dive in the dying minutes of their latest game.

The Aces, first of all, managed to defeat the Wyse Guys 6-5. But let's back up about one hour to the pre-game dressing room banter. Since there was still about 6 minutes to game time, most of the team was still en route to the arena. Team Spiritual Advisor and league representative Aubrey S. reported that the COTHL was considering implementing a draft for next season. Like a real league, or the NHL This did not go over well with any of the 4 players then in the room, and as the other 6 arrived in the next 3 minutes the news spread like wildfire, with similar results.

"This cannot be allowed to happen" grumbled team mink farmer Al H "I just finally learned everyone's name! I can't start over again, I just can't."

And so a plan was hatched. In order to lower their stock in the eyes of the other teams and hopefully scuttle all talk of a comeraderie-destroying draft, the Aces decided to 'take the night off'. Unfortunately the plan did not go perfectly, as the team accidentally ran up a 6-2 lead with scant minutes to play.

With no time for even a quick pow-wow, the Aces somehow were able to orchestrate a 3 goal rally for the Wyse Guys, who up to that point had looked pretty beatable. Unfortunately time was not on the Aces' side, and the Wyse Guys bagged their 5th goal with only 8 seconds to play. There would not be enough time to complete the rally after all.

Mission accomplished, however, as word of the almost total collapse must surely have spread to the other 2 teams. The team is expecting a full report from Aubrey at the next game.

God Abandons Tim Tebow in Favour of Obscure Canadian Hockey Player

2012-01-15T18:56:00.000-08:00

Tebow tries his best to make a "W". A sign?

In an unexpected turn of events that Evangelical Christians across the United States are describing as ‘unexpected’, God, Creator of the Entire Universe and Everything In It, has unexpectedly transferred his apparently limited sporting allegiance from NFL quarterback Tim Tebow to a little-known beer league hockey player in Toronto Canada.

“I was getting tired of that Tebow character” God is reported to have Said. “All that kneeling and stuff, and the bible verses in the eye black, what is that all about? Besides, football is gay, and everyone knows I hate fags, right? Just kidding! Relax, for My sake. I don't hate the gays. You can edit that out, right?”

But football IS kind of gay.

Had Tebow supporters and bookies across America been paying more attention to the Cedarvale Oldtimers’ Hockey League last week, they would have known that his miraculous run was about to end. The Black Aces finally ended their 3 game tying streak with a 3-1 victory over the Bloor Battlers in spite of being without their all star goaltender Raj C. While this alone may fall somewhat short of qualifying as a miracle on ice, it was the continued goal scoring flurry of Aces winger and double shoulder amputee Rich W that puts the result solidly in the Deity Influenced Sporting Victory category.

In spite of seriously impaired shoulder mobility, Rich was able to pot his third goal in the last two games. He modestly attributed his success to the recent acquisition of a new carbon fiber stick, never realizing that all along it was God Himself who was guiding his hand.

“I’m not a religious man” said Rich after being told of the Divine influence on his recent scoring prowess “but thank God we had God on our side that night. I’m just sorry that millions of Christian football fans across the United States had to be disappointed on saturday.”

Experts currently disagree whether or not God will continue to bestow His bounty upon Rich and the Aces Hockey Club, but the current betting line on this week’s game is Aces by 10.

Enemy Agents Infiltrate Aces, Cause Tie

2012-01-08T20:02:00.000-08:00

In a cunning and evil turn of events, local hockey team the Black Aces were infiltrated by agents from rival squad the Bloor Battlers in their most recent game. Several Aces players were unaccountably absent from their match against the Warriors, which necessitated the recruitment of 2 men from the night's early game.

No satisfactory reason has yet been given for the manpower shortfall, but police have been called in and continue to not investigate.

All was going well for most of the game, with the recruits doing a good job of seeming to help the blackshirts in their quest to remain at the top of the COTHL standings. Plays were made, opponents were thwarted, and although no goals were scored by the callups they looked for all intents and purposes like they were really playing for the Aces.

Which makes what happened all the more dastardly.

Up 2-1 with under a minute to play, the Aces lined up for a critical faceoff in their own zone. With the recruits safely on the bench and unable to contribute in any way, the men in black were not able to prevent the white squad from winning the draw back to their sharpest shooter, who immediately fired the puck into the Aces net for the draw.

How obvious, in retrospect. The enemy players (as they shall now be called, for that is what they most certainly were) must have been instructed to give 100%, or possibly even 110% for 99% of the game, thereby luring the Aces into a false sense of trust. Then, carefully engineering a faceoff deep in the Aces zone with only seconds to play, these evildoers were to head to the bench pleading 'tiredness', thereby leaving the hapless Aces to their own devices. Such wickedness has not been seen in the COTHL in many a season.

"What I can't believe," said team barista and goaltender Raj C afterwards "is how they just drank our beer after the game like nothing happened. They left us hanging, then enjoyed a cold beverage without blinking an eye. That's just cold."

"I've never felt so betrayed" said team aromatherapist Bruce H "as I do right now. I thought those guys were on our side, I really did. The world is a dark place, let me tell you."

The tie was the second in a row for the Black Aces, who are now re-thinking their 'compact' lineup in light of this latest result. Team depillatorialist and playing coach Aubrey S was said to be considering a mandatory attendance rule for next game. He was also said to be neck deep in a hot tub in Canmore, but that's a different story.

I know Movember is over.

Aces Give Themselves a Tie for Christmas

2012-01-01T14:40:00.000-08:00

In their final game of 2011, local hockey team the Black Aces took the traditional route and gifted themselves a tie for the holiday season.

Facing off against perennial rivals the Wyse Guys, the Aces once again hit the ice with their ‘compact’ lineup: 5 forwards and 3 defense, plus regular netminder Raj C between the pipes. The game was a high-paced one from start to finish, with the red shirts seemingly trying to wear the black shirts down by rolling 6 full lines of skaters plus 6 D. This tactic would prove to have little effect, however, as the Aces superior conditioning allowed them to easily keep pace with their numerous but doughy opponents.

In addition to their rigorous off-ice training regimen, the Aces also had an extra bit of inspiration up their sleeves: the recent demise of team spiritual guide and Dear Leader Kim Jong Il.

“The Dear Leader was watching over us” said team rice technologist Rich W “we definitely felt his divine presence, especially during the 3rd period when we were down one goal to the imperialist dogs of the Wyse Guys team”.

“In spite of the tears of sadness that filled our eyes,” added team surveillance expert Gerry S “we were able to avoid defeat at the hands of the hated enemy. Without the spiritual guidance of the Supreme Leader, this would not have been possible. If only he were alive to share in our great glory, this would be the most awesome Christmas ever. Even better than the year the wife gave me a Playstation 3.”

“I couldn’t make it to the game, I had a previous engagement” said team shrubbery inspector Paul F next day via shortwave radio “ honestly, I’m so sorry... please don’t send me to Pyongyang...”

The Black Aces are presently resting up for the 2012 stretch run to the playoffs and ultimate victory. Rumours that the team is developing a nuclear warhead are completely unfounded and are merely the musings of the left-wing blogging community and the Toronto Star.

That's right bitches, only 5 forwards.

Great Leader Inspires Aces to 1-1 Victory

2011-12-19T18:25:00.000-08:00

In a year marked by much turmoil, Toronto Mayor Rob "Fucking" Ford just posted a list of his "achievements" on his Facebook page. Sure there was a lot of hoopla about gravy and ferris wheels (bad and good), subway trains and bike lanes (good and bad), but Ford's real accomplishments actually took place away from City Hall.

Everyone knows Ford is a dedicated football coach, guiding troubled young men away from gangs and criminal activity and towards more wholesome pursuits like bashing skulls and showering together, but few know that Rob also takes the time to mentor another group of socially challenged athletes.

That's right, Rob Ford is the coach of the Black Aces.

Oh sure, he may not actually attend the games, but his spirit inspires every Aces player in much the same way the spirit of the late Kim Jong Il must now be inspiring every North Korean to strive for greatness (and the South Korean border).

Here is a partial list of Coach Ford's accomplishments so far this season:

successfully replaced post-game gravy with real beer
removed 90 feet of bike lanes from the middle of the Cedarvale Arena ice surface
Aces now ice 25% fewer players than opposing teams while still maintaining hold on first place
secured Mexican operations base for mid-season rejuvenation program
blamed David Miller for all past losses

Point #3 was amply illustrated in the Aces most recent game against the Battlers, a hard-fought contest that saw a depleted Aces bench (5 forwards and 3 D) hold a feisty Battlers squad (2 full lines plus 4 D) off the score sheet for most of the game. The final score was regrettably 1-1, thanks not only to Mayor Ford's divine guidance but also to another standout game between the pipes for Aces netminder Raj C.

"Do the math" said a gloating Ford after the game, via cell phone. "They had 10 skaters, we had 8. That's like only half as many, so really we won 2-1. Hey! Get outta the bike lane asshole, that's my lane!"

If this trend continues the Aces should win 150% of their remaining games this season.

Do the math!

Heroic Goal Fails to Inspire Aces

2011-12-11T16:24:00.001-08:00

In spite of scoring a goal that hockey analysts around the planet are calling 'spectacular', 'heroic', and 'whatever', Black Aces team scribe Jeff M was unable to lift his team to victory in their latest COTHL contest.

Facing off against their arch-rivals the Warriors, the Aces were coming off a convincing 8-3 shellacking of their nemesises the Wyse Guys the week before. The game began as games against the Warriors often do, with the white shirts putting on the pressure from the opening face off. The Aces relied as usual on the superb goaltending of Raj Stopalingam while they got themselves into the mood, taking long lazy skates for the first couple of shifts whilst they got warmed up and finished their beers on the bench.

Meanwhile the Warriors were burning through their pre-game Red Bulls by peppering Raj with shot after shot until Aces defender Jeff broke free in the Warriors end, cruised over the blue line and fired a quick snap shot at the Warriors net. Seeing a juicy rebound, he powered through the towering Warriors D, only to be grappled desperately about the shoulders in a highly suspect and almost certainly illegal manner.

Not to be denied, he was somehow (and the lack of instant replay makes this difficult to analyse, or indeed prove) able to kick the loose puck to his stick, deke the lunging goalie and shake off the Warriors defense before sliding the puck across the line from a tough angle.

Several national newspaper reporters immediately ran to the lobby phonebooths to call in their game reports, and at least two hockey moms were seen to push their teenaged daughters towards the Aces dressing room at about the same time.

As the game progressed, it seemed that the 1-0 lead would hold up, but the gods of beer league hockey are fickle. The game would remain close, with the two teams battling to a 3-3 tie in the third period. The ultimate difference in the score would be determined by 2 freak bounces - each time the puck landed as if by magic on the stick of an uncovered Warrior in front of the Aces net, and each time mighty Raj had no hope of getting in front of the shot.

Together with an Aces power play that was intent on exploring new dimensions in futility, those bounces resulted in a 5-3 loss for your Aces. A sad day indeed, especially since this was to be the last game of 2011 for team sponsor and spiritual guide Joe P. Joe is off to Mexico to resume his duties as Proctor of the Bucerias School for Nubile Chambermaids. It would have been nice to send him off with a win but no doubt Joe's duties at the school will keep his mind off the loss.

Post-Game Highlights

2011-11-26T19:29:00.001-08:00

Don't tase me, bro.

It’s a well-known phenomenon that after an intense game of beer-league ice hockey, players often have a hard time winding down. Sleep can be elusive as the mind replays the game just played in minute detail, and players must oftentimes engage in odd activities in order to pass the time until they can finally chill out enough to get some sleep.

Recently scientists in the privately funded Institute of Recreational Sports-Related Sleep Disorders concluded a study in which they secretly followed a test group of athletes from the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League. The results of this groundbreaking 5 year study have not yet been released, but your intrepid Black Aces Blogger has secured a preview of their findings. Which he will share with you now, of course.

The most surprising data to emerge from the study, entitled Post-Game Nocturnal Activities of Adult Recreational Ice Hockey League Participants, is the differences noted between players on three of the four teams in the COTHL and players on the Black Aces. While non-Aces players engaged in boring activities like drinking beer and re-watching TIVO’d episodes of Dog the Bounty Hunter, most Aces players were found to have a much richer and wider range of post-game activities. For instance, after the team’s latest 5-2 victory over the Warriors,

Al - knitted six pairs of tiny mittens out of cat fur scavenged from sofa cushions and the legs of corduroy trousers
Ralph - celebrated a 2 goal night by bow-hunting for opossum in Cedarvale ravine.
Joe P - wound down after his 2 goal performance by carving a 'really cool' bong out of an illegally obtained block of rare Tibetan Mountain Pine
Bruce - continued training the kitchen mice to wear the tiny sequined outfits he sewed for his planned all-rodent, all-male musical production “It’s Raining Mice and Men”
Andrew - continued his ongoing construction of a fully functioning woman out of Lego and partially chewed cheetos
Aubrey - currently on IR, has been hanging out on the Twilight Fans online discussion forum, to date posting over 700 entries as 'Edward4Ever'
Raj - is working towards his degree in small mammal repair from the People’s Veterinary College and Dynamite Manufactory of Xianxiu China (over 6 days fatality free!)
Paul - was busy doing some late night negotiating with the Bush Twins (Barbara and Jenna) to act as official spokeswomen for his upcoming VaJanuary campaign.
Gerry - enjoyed watching and re-watching TIVO'd episodes of Real Housewives of New Jersey

The activities of the rest of the team will all be included in the January 2012 issue of the Canadian Journal of Interesting Things. I’m sure we’re all looking forward to picking it up.

New Protocol for 0-0 Ties

2011-11-06T20:09:00.000-08:00

To: All teams in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League
From: COTHL Senior Management Group
Subject: 0-0 Tie Games, New Rules

As at least half of you may have heard, last wednesday's game between the Black Aces and the Bloor Battlers ended in a disgusting 0-0 tie. That's right, you heard correctly. A lousy, good-for-nothing, lame-ass zero-zero tie. No goals. None. Not a sausage. We watched the tapes, it was appalling.

In order to prevent such an embarrassing event from ever happening again in our league, the Senior Management Group of the COTHL (also known as the Elders of Cedarvale) hereby introduce the following protocol for settling games where nobody has the balls to score even one fucking goal over three whole fucking periods.

IF, after 3 complete periods no goals have been scored, a 5 minute overtime period will be played.
IF still no goals have been scored by any of the pathetic excuses for hockey players on either team, another 5 minute overtime period will be played in a four-on-four format.
IF both teams are still too weak to put the puck in the net, another 5 minute overtime period will be played but this time each team will ice 6 skaters and no goalie.
IF both teams are still so completely useless that they can't score in an open net, yet another 5 minute overtime period will be played. Goalies go back in, but we continue with 6 skaters.
IF this piece of shit game is still tied at zeroes we'll keep adding players until both teams have every player on the ice.
IF the two teams continue to sully the good name and exalted history of the COTHL by refusing to put one over the line, another 5 minute overtime period will be played, this time with 2 pucks. Pretty much a gong show by this point.
IF the gong show format fails to settle things (and we really hope it doesn't get to this point, seriously) goalies will be relieved of their pads and gloves. Surely to God one of the 'hockey players' out there can bulge the twine now, right? Anyone?

In the extremely unlikely event that after all this, not a single man on either team can summon the strength to propel a little black rubber puck over the goal line, then and only then will we go to a shootout.

If the shootout fails to settle things, the Elders of Cedarvale will pay each player on each team a visit to kick your sorry asses and revoke your Beer League Hockey Licences. Permanently. You pussies.

Let's hope we see no more 0-0 ties this or any other year.

The Elders of Cedarvale

"Can you believe those little bitches? Not even one goal."

Warriors Call 9-1-1 on Aces

2011-10-27T19:12:00.000-07:00

The following is an actual transcript of a 9-1-1 call placed on Wednesday October 26, 2011.

We're getting slaughtered here!

Operator: Emergency services, what is the nature of your emergency please?
Caller: Uh, hi, this is [redacted] of the Warriors over at Phil White arena. We're getting slaughtered here!
Operator: Did you say slaughter? Is there some kind of assault taking place sir?
Caller: Okay maybe slaughter is not quite right, but it's the middle of the second and we're down 2-0 to those punk-ass Black Aces.
Operator: Sir I'm going to have to ask you to watch your language.
Caller: What?
Operator: You said 'ass', sir. That is considered profane and/or abusive language under the terms and conditions of our collective bargaining agreement. If you continue to be abusive I will have to terminate this call.
Caller: What the fuck are you talking about?
Operator: *click*

* * *

Operator: Emergency services, what is the nature of your emergency please?
Caller: Yah, this is [redacted] again at Phil White Arena. I called just a minute ago. It's 3-0 now! Are you happy? We're getting killed!!
Operator: Sir, who is getting killed? Are you injured?
Caller: Oh Christ! They just scored another one! This is terrible! You have to send the cops over right now to take care of this shit!
Operator: Sir I'm going to have to ask you to watch your language.
Caller: Oh for fuck's sakes
Operator: *click*

* * *

Operator: Emergency services, what is the nature of your emergency please?
Caller: Listen, bitch, don't you know who I am? I'm [redacted] fucking [redacted] of the fucking Warriors hockey club! I am the captain of this fucking team!! If the cops aren't here in 5 fucking minutes I'm coming down there to personally stick your headset up your – oh hey, we just scored. Lemme call you back. *click*

* * *

Operator: Emergency services, what is the nature of your emergency please?
Caller: Are you happy now? Those black shirted bastards just beat us 5-2 and you assholes wouldn't lift a finger to help. This is all David Miller's fault. *click*

In other, unrelated 9-1-1 news, this apparently happened on the same day.

Probation Period Almost Over for New Aces

2011-10-24T10:46:00.000-07:00

The newest members of the Black Aces Hockey Club continue toplay well, contributing 4 goals between them during the Aces' most recentouting. Both Jerry and Glenn bagged a pair in the Aces' thrillingcome-from-behind 7-5 victory over the Wyse Guys.

Never mind the post-game beer, just get out there.

Neither player is out of the woods just yet though, explainedteam cryptographer Joe D; "Yes, they've played well in their first fourgames, no doubt about that" said Joe after the game last Wednesday "butwe need to be extra sure that they are the right fit four our team. This hasnothing to do with the well-known phenomenon of players vying for permanentstatus playing way over their heads, not at all. We just want to be certainthat their incredibly solid play so far hasn't been a series of highly unlikelyflukes."

"Just because they've both been outstanding" addedteam hair colourist Bruce H "doesn't mean we should just make them anoffer. Sure, their combined contributions have helped put us into first place,but that doesn't get them an automatic spot on the payroll. A couple more gamesand we'll see."

The Aces currently sit tied for first with the Wyse Guysafter an epic comeback in their last meeting. Down 4-1 at the start of thesecond period after a 3 goal flurry from the redshirts, the Aces were playingwell but seemed about to fall once again to the first place team. The frustrationon the black squad was palpable, until the potentially skilled duo of Glenn andJerry possibly inspired the rest of the team with some allegedly excellentplay. Six unanswered goals later and the Aces were ahead 7-4 and cruising to asweet victory. One meaningless goal for red while Glenn & Jerry were coincidentallyoff the ice meant nothing.

"One or two, possibly five more games and we'll takedown that classified ad we've got running in the local paper" said teampublic relations consultant Paul F from his downtown office, where hefrequently observes the team on closed circuit television. "I've got agood feeling about this."

Goal roundup: Glenn Newguy: 2 Jerry Newguy: 2 Ralph R: 2 Joe D-S: 1

Aces Get All Science-y to Beat Battlers

2011-10-15T05:13:00.000-07:00

As some of you may already know, in addition to exploring the limits of human alcohol consumption and sleep deprivation, the Black Aces HC off-season activities included the establishment of a high-level hockey think tank. The Centre for Research Into New Generation Hockey Experiments, or CRINGHE, was tasked with devising new strategic approaches for the Aces, thereby giving them an advantage in the 2011-2012 edition of the COTHL.

Science. It's Like, Awesome or Something.

Some of their cutting edge output this summer included radical, out-of-the-box ideas that have the potential to change the game of hockey forever. Including:

Beers to be consumed BEFORE the game instead of after.
Goalies to wear Kodiaks in place of skates for better traction.
Every player to wear a heads up video display during the game. This is to enhance the action with 'augmented reality' information, but also to ensure no episodes of ‘Raising Hope’ are missed. That’s a really good show. (Note: the PVR budget for the CRINGHE team was not approved).
No more positions. Every player to simply chase the puck wherever it goes, thereby overwhelming the opposition. This is a simple strategy that any player can understand (see point #1).
New positional configurations (in case Point #4 is rejected or unsuccessful), including the 4-1-1 (the Crash the Net Strategy), the 0-5-1 (the Neutral Zone Clusterf**k), the 2-2-2 (Double Goalie Configuration) and perhaps most radically of all, the 3-3-0: the No Goalie Required.

Incredibly, it would be in only the 3^rd game of the season that the investment in CRINGHE would pay off. With netminder and team opossum whisperer Raj C unable to make the game due to a tragic carjacking incident in Newmarket, the Aces were without a goalie at the start of the game. A replacement keeper was found, but team pro cyclist Aubrey S would have to venture out into the rainy night to retrieve him. Aubrey, normally the Aces’ backup goalie, was sidelined due to an injury sustained ~~attempting to back flip his bike off a 30’ drop~~ riding through a puddle.

The Aces, meanwhile, would have to employ the 3-3-0 lineup: 3 forwards, 3 defense, no goalie. It was ‘put up or shut up’ time.

Thanks to some quick consulting and a lovely powerpoint presentation from team graphic designer Jeff M, the defense corps soon came up with the correct approach to keep the Bloor Battlers from putting the puck in the Aces’ empty net. Their tactics, deceptively simple, can best be summed up as “Don’t let those other guys score”. It worked beautifully, and by the time Aubrey returned with the emergency backup netminder the Aces were starting the second period with a 1-0 lead on a goal from team toboggan builder Rich W.

Emboldened by their success, the Aces continued to dominate the now demoralized Battler squad and finished with a 2-0 win, their second consecutive shutout. If this continues, the $600 clipboard budget for CRINGHE researchers will not have been squandered after all.

Big thanks to emergency netminder (Tooey? Did I hear that right?) who by the way was fully sighted and did not have an artificial leg.

Aces Claw Their Way to .500

2011-10-07T18:55:00.000-07:00

After a demoralizing string of one defeat, local hockey team Aubrey's Aces finally managed to claw their way back to the .500 level this week in the COTHL.

"Sure, it was hard losing 100% of our previous games" said team maitre d' Rich W "But we knew if we just hung in there we'd eventually be ok."

In spite of going 0-fer so far this season the Aces somehow kept it together, soundly defeating the Warriors squad in a hard-fought contest. The difference, agreed most Aces, was goaltending. "Our goalie was fucking awesome" said Aces' barista Raj C "and their goalie was not. That's pretty much it. In my opinion anyway."

Also a factor were two fresh imports from the Orc pits of Isengard, forward D'Naakh Skullcrusher and defender G'Raargh Limbrender. Both newbies came to play, in spite of being less than 12 hours old, combined. "I look forward to the utter destruction of the enemies of the Black Aces!" grunted D'Naakh after the game, smearing fresh Warrior blood on his chest while pounding a Grolsch tallboy "The Dark One will be pleased!" Teammate and fellow Orc G'Raargh was more philosophical: "I'm just happy to be called up to the big team, you know? I'm taking it one kill at a time and giving 110%, keeping it simple, you know? Also, I desire to dismember anyone not wearing an Aces jersey."

Non-Orc Aces making the score sheet: Ralph R with a pair, Bruce H and Brian M with one apiece. Final score: Aces 4, Warriors 0.

Side note: Former Ace Bob J was scheduled to make a final appearance in an Aces jersey before being deployed 'Stateside but a communications snafu somehow resulted in a lovely dinner at The Keg instead. Recently retired defenceman Maurice V was hastily contacted just prior to game time but was unable to fill in due to a family chauffeuring emergency.

MAMWHPs Seeks Same

2011-10-02T18:52:00.000-07:00

A group of (fit and attractive) 416-based middle-aged mostly white hockey players seek same for fun and creative adventures at Phil White Arena. Must enjoy skating, puck-handling, and post-game beer. Race unimportant. Must be over 40 but not too over. Must have decent shot and be willing to play the 'back end'. If this sounds like you, please respond to this blog with hockey resume and personal photo. We enjoy winning, working out, and wednesday evenings with good friends. Not looking for a long term commitment, let's take things slowly and see what develops. No puck hogs, please.

The Magnificent Seven, Part Two

2011-06-19T16:48:00.000-07:00

Local hockey team the Aces finally made good on their long-standing promise to institute off season training camp this past friday, as a hand-picked contingent of players gathered in Collingwood for a rigorous 24 hour training session.

Six in all made it to the Harbinson Athletic Compound on thursday June 16, for a pre-training hydration exercise. Your humble scribe (the seventh player to attend camp) was not present for said exercise, but reliable sources say the exercise was a success. So successful in fact that the original completion deadline was extended to sometime around 05:00 on June 17.

June 17 dawned bright and clear for at least one of the participants. The other six... not so much. Rendezvous at Batteaux Creek Firing Range was initiated successfully, and the real training session began. An epic day of 18 distinct ballistic manoeuvres ensued, simultaneous with a forced march under full pack. The seven magnificent men held up brilliantly under the scorching, unforgiving sun.

Thanks to Commander Harbinson for arranging the inaugural Black Aces Area 52 Top Secret Training and Projectile-Based Recreation Camp. All signs point to a repeat event at a time as yet undisclosed.

The Magnificent Seven

Aubrey prepares to hit someone into the boards from behind

Another day at the beach.

Top 10 Reasons Aces Lost Quarter Final Game

2011-03-13T18:19:00.000-07:00

After a solid 2nd place finish in 2010-2011, local hockey team the Black Aces could not overcome their 3rd place rivals the Bloor Battlers last week, falling 3-1 in a soft-fought match that saw the team struggle to create good scoring chances.

In spite of a standout performance by goaltender Raj C, the Aces now find themselves in a battle for bronze against the Wyse Guys in two weeks.

Goals may have been in short supply, but thankfully excuses were not. Here now are the Top 10 Reasons Why The Aces Lost the Quarter Final Game.

10. Lack of inspirational pre-game music

9. Everyone was saving it for this week's shinny game.

8. Entire team suffering from mass 'upper body injury'.

7. Thinking too much about post-game beer selection.

6. Raj played too well, everyone else decided to take it easy.

5. 6 players were playing in only their 2nd game of the season.

4. Pre-game strategy session 'too confusing'.

3. "Earthquake premonitions were freaking me out, man."

2. Mis-read cliche manual, only gave 109%.

and the number one reason the Aces Lost the Quarter Final Game:

1. Distracted by the guy in the stands throwing his hat in the air.

Cue band, mindless applause. Go to commercial.

El hombre del Sur ayuda a ganar de nuevo Ases

2011-02-26T16:24:00.000-08:00

On a rare winter trip to Canadian territory, Aces owner and special southern correspondent Joe P inspired a banged up group of athletes to a key 4-2 win over the Battlers.

Shaking off the debilitating effects of a mid-winter tan, Joe struck for a key goal early in the game. Perhaps inspired by this brave performance, the Aces taxi squad hit for 3 more goals and hung on for a 4-2 victory in spite of most players having to play through an injury of some sort. The list of injuries at this point in the season is long and varied:

Jeff: hip dysplasia
Al: groin pains
Aubrey: stab wounds
Rich: frozen shoulder
Andrew: swimmers buttock
Maurice: carpal funnel syndrome
Raj: gas. So much gas.
Bruce: heartworm
Ralph: hysterical blindness
Paul F: skiers bladder

Injuries would not stop a determined Aces side, however, as they played a physical game all night long as evidenced by a steady stream of black shirts into the penalty box. Other goal scorers on the night were Ralph, Andrew and Aubrey.

In an odd turn of events, players missing from the roster were the only ones not injured. Of course they all had airtight excuses for not showing:

Mike K: what, and miss The Bachelor?
Brian M: still working on his Academy Awards pool picks
Joe D: won't play if there's another Joe on the ice
Bob J: passed out at hot yoga class, missed bus

I'd say let's hope for a better turnout next game, but the Aces seem to do better without a full bench. Nos vemos el miércoles amigos

Aces Non-Skiers Eke Out 6-6 Tie

2011-02-13T19:42:00.000-08:00

With roughly half the Aces’ regulars out of the lineup due to ski season, it fell to the non-skiers on the team to hold off a hard-charging Wyse Guys bunch last game. The addition of 2 red shirts to the Aces’ lineup was necessary, as a decimated black squad could only ice 7 skaters and a goalie.

The two stand-ins came in handy, scoring the first two goals of the game while the regulars slowly got themselves into gear.

Black eventually pulled things together, withstanding the untimely injury of D-man and hack journalist Jeff M to pull ahead 5-4 with 5 minutes remaining in the third. The lead would not hold, however, and with Jeff on the bench nursing a broken hip the two teams traded goals until almost the final buzzer.

After the game, a dejected Aces squad was nevertheless philosophical about the results.

“Not our best game of the year” opined an exhausted back-up netminder and team aromatherapist Aubrey S “but I hear the conditions at Whistler are pretty sweet right now, so that makes up for it.”

Team luthier Bruce H was similarly minded after the contest. “As long as Rich and Paul and the other skiers on the team are enjoying themselves, then whatever happens out there on the ice is really secondary” he said wistfully “I mean it’s our duty to hold the fort while our brothers are engaged in the vitally important task of breaking fresh powder in the back bowls at Blackcomb or wherever they are, so this tie against the last place club is really a victory for all of us.”

Other notable absences included Al H (pain in the thorax), Brian M (still on the International Space Station) Joe Himalaya (starring in the Khatmandu Thespian Society stage production of Jersey Boys), Mike K (malfunctioning GPS unit) and of course Art W (still recovering from a tragic hibachi accident).

We hope to see more able bodies out for the next game, though your humble scribe is doubtful due to the aforementioned broken hip.

Aces Gain Control of COTHL, Release List of New Rules

2011-01-30T19:08:00.000-08:00

Men of the Black Aces HC! The time is finally at hand when we reap the rewards of our mighty efforts lo these past four long months, and stand gloriously atop the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League!

Long have we struggled, and much have we sacrificed to reach this summit. The pre-dawn training sessions, the weeks spent away from friends and loved ones, the relentless physical conditioning - all have been rewarded.

Our enemies have been vanquished and our craven critics in the press have been silenced by our victory, proven wrong in their callow predictions that we could not reach our goal of total and complete domination of all three of our opponents.

Now that we have proven beyond all doubt who is the undisputed ruler of the COTHL, I hereby submit to you a list of proposed rule changes to be brought before the Elders of the League ere a fortnight hath passed. These rules shall be made law, in order that our great achievement be remembered by future generations of COTHL players and also that our status as heroic champions be not forgotten by our current adversaries.

New Rule #1. A new trophy shall be created. It shall stand 7 feet in height, be made entirely of purest titanium and have the names of all Black Aces players past and present inscribed upon it in 150 point Geneva Bold font, in all caps. The trophy shall be placed at centre ice during every pre-game warmup, even in games that do not involve the Black Aces HC.

New Rule #2. Opposing teams shall now be required to provide premium quality beer for the Aces HC after each contest. Domestic brews are not permitted unless approval is expressly provided in writing and signed by at least three Aces players.

New Rule #3. A new change room is to be built for the exclusive use of the Black Aces HC, their guests, and their descendants in perpetuity. It shall be equipped with clean showers, hot towel service, a large screen television set with full cable package, plus XBox, Playstation 3 and Wii gaming consoles. No other teams are to use this room, ever, under penalty of death.

New Rule #4. A financial levy is to be paid by all non-Aces players as part of their yearly league fee. This is to wholly offset the cost of the Aces’ mid-season training camp in Bucarias Mexico, graciously (though not inexpensively) hosted by team surfologist Joe P.

New Rule #5. Parking spaces closest to the entrance of the arena formerly known as the Phil White Arena (see Rule #6) are henceforth and forevermore reserved for the exclusive use of Black Aces HC players. Any non-Aces players caught parking in these reserved spaces shall have their vehicles summarily crushed by a new on-site car crushing machine installed specifically for this purpose.

New Rule #6. The arena formerly known as the Phil White Arena will henceforth be known as the Black Aces Sports and Recreation Complex. A new climate-controlled display case in the lobby will hold the new trophy (see rule #1) when it is not at centre ice, along with life-sized replicas of all past and present Aces players carved in solid mahogany. These statues are to be waxed and polished thrice daily by specially trained blind Amish craftsmen brought in from Pennsylvania.

Excellent work in last week’s game, fellow Aces. I have taken the liberty of commissioning a local artist to paint a commemorative mural of our great victory on the outside north wall of the Black Aces Sports and Recreation Complex. Our righteous comeback from a 2-0 deficit to trounce the Warriors 7-2 is now assured a lasting place in hockey history. Let all who gaze upon it tremble and quake with fear, and know that on this day the rightful and true owners of first place in the COTHL were finally restored.

Mysterious Goaltender Leads Aces to Victory

2011-01-23T17:51:00.000-08:00

Relying on a rent-a-goalie is not always a sure path to beer league hockey success, but local team the Black Aces came away with a W in their most recent game by employing just that strategy. With regular netminder Raj C out of town on yet another ‘sales trip’, the aces secured the services of the hockey equivalent of the supply teacher.

Facing off against the Wyse Guys once again, the Aces were looking for another easy victory. Previous games against the men in red had resulted in lopsided scores in the Aces’ favour, but without the steady and reliable presence of their star goalie the team could not be assured of the same result. Enter Dale the Goalie.

He looked young. In this league, ‘young’ means ‘under 40’. He also confided in team HR specialist Aubrey S before the game that he had only been playing goal for about a year and a half. As a sometime goaltender himself, Aubrey could relate. Switching from a skating position to the net was not a common move, but at least there was precedent. The Aces formidable defense corps could more than make up for any shortcomings between the pipes.

As the game progressed, the team was pleasantly surprised. This newly minted netminder was doing a fine job after all. Saves were made, confidence levels rose, and the blackshirts eventually skated away with a 4-2 win. Not the domination of previous black on red contests, but red was playing harder than usual this night and their goalie was also having a solid game.

After the game, Dale (if that is indeed his real name) casually mentioned that he had in fact not been playing goal for a year and a half. It was more like 3 months. “Oh?” said Aubrey, rasing an eyebrow. “You played well for someone only playing goal for 3 months.”

“Did I say months?” replied Dale “I meant weeks. Three weeks.”

“So how long have you played hockey altogether then?” I asked, suddenly interested in their conversation.

“That’s it, three weeks. Never played hockey before. Well, road hockey. In the driveway. Once.”

“Really. Huh. Hard to believe for a guy who’s, what, twenty five?”

“Um, twelve actually. ”

“Twelve.” said a stunned Aubrey. “You don’t look twelve.”

“Okay, eleven and a half but my birthday is coming up.” said Dale, casually removing his prosthetic leg and tossing it into his bag. By this time he had the attention of most of the room, except for Bruce H who had nodded off due to extreme jet lag combined with the lingering effects of dysentery and yellow fever.

Calmly taking down his non-hockey leg from it’s hook behind him and snapping it into place, the youngster continued to pack his gear.

“Maybe you shouldn’t be drinking that beer if you’re only eleven.” said team pastor Al H.

“Eleven and a half.” corrected Dale “And anyway I’m not driving. My mom is picking me up.”

The grizzled elders of the Aces team thoughtfully slurped their post-game cans of brew, trying their best to take in the news that an eleven year-old with a fake leg who had only been on skates for 3 weeks had just helped them into first place in the COTHL.

Dale hoisted his bag of gear, slipped on his dark shades, picked up his white cane and casually tapped his way out of the room into the night.

“Usiku mwema, wanawake. Pochi yako ni yangu.” was all he said.

Aces 9, Zombies 1

2011-01-16T17:49:00.001-08:00

In a horrific and unexpected development in the elite Cedarvale Oldtimers’ Hockey League last week, the Black Aces HC found themselves facing a Bloor Battlers team whose players had all been transformed into shuffling zombies.

Whereas previously the Battlers squad had been comprised almost entirely of men, the group that took the ice against the Aces on wednesday were quite clearly not themselves. From the opening face-off, the Aces were able to skate easily around the slow-footed Battlers. Moaning horribly and unable to muster even the appearance of hockey skill, the Bloor boys were no match for their non-zombie opponents.

The Aces of course showed no mercy. “When it comes to zombies,” said Aces munitions specialist Al ‘Heavy Artillery’ Heavenrich “you can’t show any mercy. It’s a kill shot or it’s nothing.”

Again and again the Aces stormed the Battlers’ net, pumping a total of 9 goals past their hapless goalkeeper, who may or may not have been one of the undead.

“I couldn’t really tell for sure” said Aces DJ Paul ‘Funkmaster’ Ferris. “He wasn’t moaning quite as much as the other guys, and he didn’t smell quite as bad either. Maybe he was in the early stages.”

The Battlers repeated attempts to catch the fleet-footed Aces and eat their brains were to no avail, as even when they did manage to catch a blackshirt off guard they were unable to bite past either their own face cages or the Aces CSA approved helmets.

Naturally such a one-sided contest was completely lacking in drama, which may explain why CBC Television executives originally scouting the Aces for future 'Skating With the Stars' participants are now planning a 6 part mini-series based on the game.

Aces Save Canadian Hockey

2011-01-06T19:48:00.000-08:00

Hockey fans across Canada are reeling today after most of the nation watched our national junior team implode in the World Junior Championship final. Blowing a 3-0 lead in the 3rd period to fall 5-3 to the godless communist Russians, the juniors delivered a virtual nut shot to an entire country, a nut shot whose terrible pain only an inspired victory by an underdog could ease.

"Thank Christ for the Black Aces, eh?" said Newfoundland cod-shredder Big Jim Houlihan "After watchin them juniors I felt right sick, I did. Then I heard the Aces went and beat those Warrior fellers and I all of a sudden felt pretty good again."

Many who witnessed the junior fiasco expressed similar feelings after hearing news of the Aces' unexpected victory. "The Black Aces HC have given my back my reason to live" said a teary Mrs. Edna Pornswallow of Fort MacMurray Alberta. "I was just about to go and throw myself into the tailing ponds out by the Syncrude plant after that horrible junior game when my husband Wally grabbed me. 'Edna' he says 'the Aces still have a shot - it's the 3rd period and they're up by 3...' and so I decided to wait and see how the lads made out this week and didn't they come through in the clutch! Not like those fucking kids, that's for sure."

The Aces inspiring victory did not come without it's tense moments though. Up 3-0 at one point early in the game, several of the blackshirts exchanged worried glances on the bench. The awful sense that history might repeat itself, that the team might fall in the same way that the juniors had fallen hung heavy in the air. But not a word was spoken.

"I thought they would blow it." said Bancroft Ontario skidoo waxologist Bert "Burt" Burton later that night. "That's how low I felt after seeing our juniors give the game away to them Russkies. I was ready to see the Aces fold up like a cheap suit in the 3rd, I admit it. But when they hung on, man, I felt so goddam good I went right down to Stooley's bar and punched a complete stranger right in the face. It was beautiful. Thanks, Aces."

Celebrations continued into the night after word of the Aces' unlikely victory spread throughout the country via blogs, twitter, email and text. Joyous crowds burned cars in Montreal, while Toronto area coffee houses did a brisk business in Victory Lattes. Meanwhile in Vancouver, every single person over the age of 11 fired up a fat one in honour of the Black Aces.

"God Almighty has chosen to bless our nation once again!" cried Dumheller Alberta Minister Randy McWhatsit. "The national junior team will surely burn in hell for all eternity for their transgressions, but the Aces have provided salvation, salvation for all Canadians! Hallelujah brothers and sisters!"

The 5-2 win moves the Aces firmly into second place, still behind the Warriors but well ahead of the Battlers and Wyse Guys. Scoring for the Aces: 2 for Ralph, 1 each for Mo, Joe, and Bob. Another standout game in net from Raj kept the Warriors' big guns off the scoresheet until well into the game, long enough for the blackshirts to build up an insurmountable 4-0 lead.

COTHL League Contraction Rumoured

2010-12-27T17:49:00.000-08:00

In a move sure to cause controversy in the elite Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League, local team the Aces (full name: Aubrey's Himalayan Expeditions Black Aces Hockey & Social Club) has moved to have the four team league reduced to just two.

After once again soundly defeating the red-shirted Wyse Guys this past week, this time by a score of 10-4, the Aces crew appear to be solidly behind the move to contract the league.

Red, But Not White or Blue

Team pastry chef and 3-goal scorer Andrew T. explains: "This year we seem to be able to beat only the red team, so we're petitioning the league fathers to eliminate the other two teams. Pretty simple, really."

"This will only work, mind you, if players from the Battlers and Warriors squads are not permitted to join the Wyse Guys" said team lead guitarist and single goal getter Bob J. "That would defeat the whole purpose of this thing, which is to increase our chances of winning the championship this year."

"If our request is turned down" said team apiarist and 4-goal scorer Ralph R "then we have a backup plan. We've already filled out the forms for joining the new Rob Ford Memorial Ringette League for Overweight Women out in Etobicoke. I hear it's not very competitive, so we should be fine."

Other team members appeared non-committal, however. Single goal scorers Rich W and Paul F are both in favour of a 'wait and see' approach. "I think we should hold off for now" said team cryptologist Paul F "and see if we can carry this momentum into the Christmas shinny game next week. I think we may have turned a corner here." Rich W agreed, saying he also favoured the cautious approach. "Let's see how well we do in this meaningless game of pond hockey first. I've got a good feeling about this one."

Satriani 1, Aces 0

2010-12-09T10:22:00.000-08:00

In his first visit to Toronto in many years, 80s guitar god Joe Satriani played to a nearly full Massey Hall last night and totally delivered the rock and/or roll goods. With a competent if unflashy backing band, Satriani ripped through some of the excellent new tunes on his recently released Black Swans and Wormhole Wizards disc as well as many old favourites.

Say what you want about the coolness of this kind of music these days, but Joe really puts on a great show. He's like some kind of guitar playing machine - he never puts a foot wrong, it seems. From fluid, legato lines to beefy metal power chords Joe is in total command of his instrument (a fleet of identical but differently-coloured Ibanez solid body guitars) at all times.

To wit:

In other news, the Black Aces did not apparently fare too well in their most recent contest. Sometime sniper Brian M compared the team's performance to that of the truck driver in this clip:

Hockey Leaks

2010-12-05T17:39:00.000-08:00

From: North Korean Embassy, Toronto

To: Dear Leader, Kim Jong Il

Subject: North Korean Hockey Program

Security Level: Classified

Dear Leader, plan proceeding according to your most excellent wishes. Top secret spy program to secure secrets of Canadian hockey greatness will most definitely succeed!

Have found secret training camp for Canadian players of highest talent. Name: Cedarvale Old Timer Hockey League. Players very good, very fast. Team of Black Aces most dangerous of all teams. Demonstrate superior skills against Wise Men team with red shirts. Aces can last game defeat Wise Men so bad, they change name to Wise Girls! Scoring five for Aces zero for Wise team! Have secured film of game in new Super 8 style, and send to you quickly now!

Next game in 3 days, all operative in place to kidnap Black Aces team and transport back to Democratic People's Republic of North Korea to train DPRK national ice hockey team. Have injected after game alcoholic beverages with powerful sedative (English name: 'roofies') for easy and problem-free roundup.

Also B Plan ready! If Aces team lose next game then roofie dose double and Aces fly instead to DPRK Army Good Time Soldier Recreation Camp for train as comfort boys.

Also, top secret - Defending player and blog typist Jeff M not playing next game. Instead attend decadent rock music show of Italian-American guitar player Joe Satriani. Not matter. Other defense player can learn to give away puck too.

Bench Strength = Ice Weakness

2010-11-28T18:14:00.000-08:00

Former league-leaders the Black Aces suffered their second consecutive loss this past week as the Bloor Battlers cruised to a 5-2 victory over the blackshirts.

An unexpected convergence of player availability on the Aces' side led to extreme overcrowding on the bench. The Aces attempted to roll 4 lines and 6 defense, but the line-change algorithm proved to complex for the team to master.

"I had no idea what was going on out there" said team Pilates expert Aubrey S after the game. "The coach tried to explain the math behind the line changes before the game but all those quadratic equations made my eyes glaze over. I figured someone else would understand it but I guess not."

Game footage was unavailable at press time, but we do have an illustrative video of the chaos that took place at the Aces bench:

Several players apparently gave up on ever getting onto the ice and opted instead to start an impromptu poker tournament while waiting for their next shift. Injured winger Rich W stepped in to play the house and walked away with over $400 from a few hands of Texas Hold'em. "Looks like the Battlers weren't the only winners tonight" remarked Rich after the game, stuffing a huge roll into his jacket pocket. "Thanks, boys."

Team physicist and guest lecturer at Waterloo's Perimeter Institute Andrew T is currently hard at work on a simpler line-change formula. "Apparently my perfectly simple and elegant algorithm was 'too complicated' for the geniuses on the Aces" said an air-quoting Andrew "So I'll try make it easier to understand in case we ever get a full turnout again."

That seems unlikely given the rumoured retirement of Art W (starting a sheep farm in New Zealand), Paul F (dropping out of society to follow the band Down With Webster around the world on their upcoming tour), Raj C (opening an oyster bar on King Street W) and Joe Himalaya (opening a school for wayward teenage Mexican chambermaids at an undisclosed location). There should be plenty of room on the bench from now on, and the line change formula will probably not contain any irrational numbers or references to Planck's Constant.

Aces Hockey Club Earns Fitting Post-Game Reward

2010-11-21T18:21:00.000-08:00

In their most recent COTHL wednesday night game, area hockey team the Black Aces were greeted by a post-game surprise that eerily matched their efforts for the previous 45 minutes.

Going down 6-2 to the Warriors, the Aces were rewarded afterwards with giant bag of... women's cosmetics. Quickly pouncing on the stash, with an estimated street value of $800, the Aces made quick work of distributing the loot. Blush, eyeliner, nail polish, 'charged water' and many other mysterious products found their way into the Aces' equipment bags and eventually into the waiting and appreciative hands of girlfriends and spouses. Perhaps both.

"This is perfect" said team nail technician Bruce H "We played like girls tonight, and now look at all this great stuff... for our girlfriends... or spouses."

Coming just a week after a Heroic Comeback Effort, the loss knocked the blackshirts out of a first place tie with the Warriors.

"Sure we're disappointed" said team waxing technologist Raj C. "But look, I scored some wicked foundation! This stuff is worth like eighty bucks retail! Christmas shopping complete."

Team Sugardaddy Bob J, the source of the unexpected bounty, refused to reveal where the swanky toiletries had come from. "I'm not at liberty to say" said Bob "but if we lose like that again I'll be bringing in a truckload of Bon Jovi CDs and some Thighmasters ^®."

Aces Make History with Heroic Comeback Effort

2010-11-14T17:47:00.000-08:00

When the white man arrived in North America, 75 million bison roamed the great plains, filling the earth from horizon to horizon. As the railroad pushed westward, the American government ordered the bison slaughtered in order to make way for cattle ranchers and their herds and by 1895 it was said that fewer than 1,000 animals remained. Fast forward to present day, however, and the bison are making a comeback. Thanks to ranchers in both Canada and the U.S. and to foodie elites with a taste for exotic meat there are now 500,000 and that number is growing.

Is this the greatest comeback story of all time? No.

In 1975 a young actor named John Travolta starred in the hit tv comedy Welcome Back Kotter. Travolta would later go on to fame as the lead in such films as Saturday Night Fever and Urban Cowboy before flaming out in string of duds, including Perfect (with Jamie Lee Curtis) and the forgettable Two of a Kind with Olivia Newton John. Travolta's career hit the deck, hard, but was revived in 1994 by director Quentin Tarantino when he cast the down-and-out actor in Pulp Fiction, thus saving his career and possibly his life.

Is this, then, the greatest comeback story of all time? Again, no.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010. Local hockey team the Black Aces are up against their league rivals the Wyse Guys once again. Things go well until midway through the first period, when the red shirts strike for 2 quick goals and pull into a 3-1 lead. Things looked bleak for the blackshirts. Energy levels were 50% below normal, and team sparkplug Art W. was mysteriously absent, perhaps due to a tragic barbecue mishap. Aces backup goalie Aubrey S. was giving it his all but the team was missing regular backstop Raj C, who was in South Beach Florida for his annual full body waxing. Fans were already heading for the exits.

Then, a miracle! A fluke goal careens off a defending red player's skate and eludes the volatile Wyse Guys' keeper. Another quick tally and the game is tied, and the red team is subjected to a steady barrage of insults and put-downs from their netminder. Their morale is shattered, as they are sensitive boys and prone to self-pity when criticized. Sensing the tide has turned, the black shirts pour on the pressure and shoot ahead to a 6-3 lead before finally cruising home to a 6-4 final.

Is this then, the greatest comeback of all time? Hardly. But it might be the greatest comeback of November 10, 2010 and that's not bad.

Prime Minister Blocks Sale of Aces HC

2010-11-08T18:43:00.000-08:00

In a move that has the global investment community not at all perplexed, Canadian PM Stephen Harper this week decided to block the takeover bid for Toronto area hockey team the Black Aces by international businessman Richard Branson.

Said Industry Minister Tony Clement "We just didn't feel it was in the best interests, or in fact any interest at all, of Canadians. Or anyone else for that matter."

When asked why the sale was blocked, Clement would only say that the Prime Minister was 'not a big fan of that Branson douche, or his ridiculous hair'.

Bay Street analysts spent minutes poring over the details of the non-deal, the scuttling of which now threatens the future of the Cedarvale Oldtimers' Hockey League. Rumours of the pending buyout sent Aces players on a spending and partying spree last week, with at least 5 players arriving to the game in expensive new cars.

After the announcement, team banjo tuner Bob J. threw an almost full bottle of Cristal to the ground in disgust. "How am I going to return this motherf***ing Escalade to the dealer now, bitch? I already pimped it out with a hot tub and 3D motherf***ing TV! Damn!"

"What? The deal fell through?" said team barbecue cleaner Art W. "I just bought first class airline tickets for my wife's entire family to fly to Toronto for Christmas! There's 43 of them! What the f***? I thought this was a done deal."

Other players were reportedly scrambling to return luxury items with varying levels of success.

"If I can't bring these gold chains back to Cartier" said Aces goalie and Diwali expert Raj C. "I'm going to have to go and see Russell Oliver... I think I just threw up in my mouth there, a little."

The Aces legal team has hired Rob Ford as their new spokesman and are now in talks with Virgin to try to revive the deal under new, more favourable terms. "That fat f**k Ford is well known as a man of action" said team cribbage champion Maurice vV. "and he's not doing anything until he's sworn in as mayor anyway, so we called him up. He agreed to not only help us out with the contract, but also to get our garbage picked up, our leaves raked, and to score us some cheap Oxycontin before next game."

Branson, meanwhile (pictured above with what would have been the Aces cheerleading squad) was philosophical about the failed deal. "I own a spaceship, did you know that?" said Branson from his Caribbean island home. "A motherf***ing spaceship!"

Lets hope the legal distractions don't affect the Aces' play this week, since last week's game was pretty much ruined by all the pre-game shopping and partying. The blackshirts fell 5-3 to a so-so Bloor Battlers squad, mainly due to bad bounces and champagne hangovers.

In a bid to avert another sub-par performance, the Black Aces Blog is pleased to present this inspirational video just in time for this week's game:

Watch The Crusher

Aces Release List of Demands in Virgin Takeover Bid

2010-10-30T19:49:00.000-07:00

Immediately following confirmation of the recently rumoured bid by Virgin CEO Richard Branson to purchase Toronto area hockey club the Black Aces, Aces legal representative and sometime left-winger Paul Ferris has released the team's list of contract demands.

In a hastily-called news conference at Aces' St. Clair Avenue W. headquarters (Ferro's restaurant, the big table way in the back) Ferris outlined a list of preconditions to the sale of the team.

"We are intrigued by the interest of Mr. Branson" said Ferris through his 'interpreter', a 21 year-old Icelandic erotic film star known only as 'Bjonk'. "If he is serious in his desire to purchase the team then he will have to satisfy our requirements in full. These are as follows.

"One. Every team member must be allowed one trip per year on the Virgin Galactic Spaceship 2. Includes full bar service and a nice set of headphones, not those shitty ones you usually get on commercial flights.

"Two. The Aces demand a year-end party hosted by Virgin Records recording artist Iggy Pop. Drinks are to be served by the Spice Girls. It's not like they're doing anything else these days anyway. And that David Beckham dude is not invited. If he shows up, the deal is off.

"Three. Richard Branson himself is to supply the post-game beer at all future Aces games. No domestic brands allowed unless pre-approved by team biermeister Bruce 'Ziggy' Harbinson. All relevent Bavarian Purity Laws apply.

"Four. Mr. Branson is to fully re-imburse the participants of the now infamous end-of-season party at Rodney's Oyster Bar. With interest.

"Five. Virgin is to cover in full all costs associated with Aces team members being ticketed by Toronto Police for travelling the wrong way on Arlington Ave on the way to the game on wednesdays.

"Six. The Aces require Virgin Records recording artists the Rolling Stones to be on standby at every Aces game. When the Aces score, the Stones are to immediately launch into "Rip This Joint" from their 1972 magnum opus "Exile on Main Street". If the Aces' opponents score, the Stones are to play "I Got the Blues" instead.

"This is a preliminary list of our demands" said Bjonk, in Icelandic. "If they are not met, there is no deal. That is all."

The Aces are said to be currently waiting for a response from Mr. Branson, whilst considering a similar competing offer from Toronto are multimillionaire mayor Rob Ford.

In other news, local hockey team Aubrey's Aces again defeated the hapless Warriors, this time by a score of 3-1. Goals by Jeff, Aubrey and Mike, more solid netminding from Raj. The team is on a roll, apparently un-perturbed by rumours of the Branson takeover.

Aces HC Clownsize Wyse Guys

2010-10-24T19:20:00.000-07:00

In the most recent contest between local ice hockey team Aubrey's Aces and their somewhat arch-rivals the Wyse Guys, the Aces so thoroughly dominated their opponents that hockey writers and broadcasters around the country are now scrambling to coin new superlatives to describe the game.

Sure, sports mediapersons already have approximately 10⁶ synonyms for "win", but none of these was up to the task of adequately depicting the Aces' 9-0 pummeling of the Wyse Guys. It was that big.

In the interest of assisting my professional brethren, I hereby humbly submit my Top 10 List of New Synonyms for "Win", or "Winonyms" if you prefer.

10. Scrotumming. As in "the Aces delivered a thorough scrotumming to the hapless Wyse Guys".

9. Sklermfarble. "The Aces dominance of the Wyse Guys was so complete that the game descended into a sklermfarble by the third period".

8. Harpering. Based on the friendly management style of our current PM. "The Aces handed the Wyse Guys a total Harpering last wednesday, leaving the red shirts whimpering and bawling like little babies, or ex-communications directors."

7. RobFordian. "The Aces brought out a can of whoop-ass of RobFordian dimensions." Refers only to Mr. Ford's physical ginormity, nothing to do with any election results (pending as of the writing of this report).

6. Clownsize. As in "The Wyse Guys were completely clownsized last game by the Aces."

5. Blackholed. Describes a complete crushing out of physical existence, as when something falls into a black hole. "The Wyse Guys will be unavailable for any future games as they were blackholed last week by a superior Aces squad."

4. Cockwhipped. Self-explanatory, really. "Looks like the Aces had the bigger dicks this week, Jim." "Right you are, Bob. They totally cockwhipped the Wyse Guys again."

3. Enemized. Refers to the process of knocking the shit out of one's opponents. "The poor Wyse Guys were simply enemized this week by a stronger Aces team, who managed to hold onto their own shit quite nicely."

2. ChuckNorrisment. "The Wyse Guys suffered a virtual chucknorrisment at the hands of the mighty Aces this past week."

1. Ballardization. To screw something up absolutely completely, over and over again. "The Wyse Guys defensive game this week can only be described as a sickening ballardization of the game of hockey."

To all the Jims and Bobs and Randys out there in TV, radio and print: I give my consent for you to use any or all of these terms in your next article or broadcast.

Game stats, for those who want the numbers: Aces 9, Wyse Guys 0.

Scoring for the blackshirts: Brian with 2, Art also with 2, plus singles from Ralph, Joe, Al, Bob and Rich.

And of course an outstanding game in net by Raj. The score did not tell the whole story as the Wyse Guys played hard to the final buzzer. And still they were cockwhipped.

Substandard Conditions in Athletes' Village Take Aces Off Their Game

2010-10-09T17:44:00.000-07:00

In spite of assurances by Indian authorities that substandard conditions in the athletes' village had been rectified, Aces players appeared to be suffering some ill effects from their accomodations this week as they fell 4-3 to a focused Warriors squad.

"There's no hot water in the showers" whined Aces forward and channa tester Paul Ferris "It's all I can think about when I'm on the ice." Other players voiced similar complaints, including:

"A monkey stole my skates" - Mike K
"I am so sick of Kingfisher beer it's not even funny" - Al H
"There's a cow in my room. I can't sleep" - Ralph R
"I found a cobra in my jockstrap. Hiyo!" - Bruce H
"All my equipment was stolen, and I had to buy it back from a homeless family for 10,000 rupees. I was saving that money for monkey repellent!" - Maurice V

Apparently all the distractions have had a negative impact on the Aces' game, since they could not mount the same kind of attack that propelled them to an 8-3 victory in week one. In spite of goals from Aubrey, Rich, and another player whose name I forget now, the blackshirts came out on the losing end of things.

Aces coach Aubrey S has promised to bring a more focused team to next week's match, going so far as to cancel a scheduled trip to Mrs Sangeeta's International House of Sexual Delights and Fine Discount Tailoring (pictured below).

Let's hope this tactic works.

Aces Sign New Bob, Whip Wyse Guys Asses

2010-10-02T10:51:00.000-07:00

The 2010-2011 COTHL season began with a victory for the Black Aces, who appear set to continue their domination of the regular season once again. As per the team charter, the Aces have secured the services of at least one Bob for this year, a tradition that dates back to the early days of the league in the 1930s. That year the black shirts cruised to overall victory with the help of Black Bob McNastyman, an out of work police officer (suspended for being too mean to the Irish residents of Cabbagetown, if you can believe it) with a laser-like wrist shot (this was in the days before slap shots. Or lasers, for that matter) and a mean-streak a mile wide. Black Bob wasn't actually black, his nickname referred to the colour of his eyes when he set his sights on his next victim. Also to his teeth. Dentistry wasn't yet much in vogue in 1930s Toronto, and Bob's British heritage pretty much ensured his status as 'dentally challenged'.

Since that season every Aces team has employed at least one Bob. This year's Bob is again a defenseman with a laser-like wrist shot, as shown by his 2 goal performance in the Aces' 8-3 demolition of the red shirted Wyse Guys squad.

Besides New Bob, the difference in Game One had to be goaltending. Aces keeper Raj C looked sharp all night long, while the red goalie looked... like the opposite of sharp. Some questionable goals early on led to a visible deflation of the red team, which only led to more goals from black, which led to lower morale on red, and so on. This in spite of a red team rolling what looked like 3 full lines versus 2-lines-plus-one on side black.

Other scorers, to the best of my recollection: Ralph with 2, plus one each for Mike, Aubrey, Rich, and Joe Two-Names.

A big welcome back to team sponsor Joe Himalaya, in town dropping off a load of tequila worms from his Mexican ranch. Joe is only around for a couple of weeks before heading back to the ranch, so make sure your sweaters are freshly cleaned and pressed next week, lads. We want to make sure we get good rates for the team Christmas party this year.

As a special 'welcome back' feature, your blog host is pleased to present a short inspirational video suggested by team owner and rolfing specialist Aubrey Spring: Life in the Beer League

Aces Defenseman Sleeps Through Victory

2010-03-04T10:39:00.000-08:00

In the last regular season game of 2009-2010, local hockey team Aubrey's Aces managed an efficient 4-2 victory over league rivals the Wyse Guys in spite of being down one key member of their defense corps. D-man and team bibliophile Al Heavenrich spent the entire game at home snoozing while his teammates were forced to take up the slack.

While Aces defense are well-known for periodic naps during games, this is the first time they have attempted to employ the strategy away from the rink. At approximately 22:30h Heavenrich posted this apologetic email: "I was reading before leaving for the game and fell asleep... Woke up now! Aargh!" This of course would have been some 45 minutes after the official start time for the game (but in actual fact only 15 minutes after the puck was finally dropped). Team utility infielder Aubrey Spring was pressed into service, and the D managed to hold the Wyse Guys to a pair in spite of their own occasional displays of somnambulance.

A more or less full turnout helped power the Aces past their opponents, who were unable to keep pace with their younger, fitter, better-looking opponents. Plus, the blackshirts were pleased to welcome back Olympians Raj and Rich, which may have provided some additional inspiration.

Next week is game one of the playoffs. So remember to keep following your strict fitness regimen this week. All team members are expected to complete the following exercises prior to next wednesday:

Pushups: at least 3, but no more than 5
Situps: 5 full situps or 1 'crunch' (optional)
Curls: 10 reps, full tallboy each arm (acceptable substitute = 100 reps using a Coors light)
Yoga: No.

Anyone watching the full P90X infomercial is exempt from all requirements.

Aces Take Two Game Series 12-10

2010-02-19T20:10:00.000-08:00

While hockey fans the world over were being distracted by the Olympics, Toronto hockey team Aubrey’s Aces completed a 2 game series with the Warriors this past wednesday, emerging victorious by a 12-10 margin and retaining their hold on first place in the COTHL.

As fans will recall, game one of the series was held January 27. In that game, the mighty Aces easily swept the weakling Warriors aside by a 9-3 margin. That comfortable cushion was enough to allow the Aces to use game 2 as a rest day, ensuring that optimal energy levels are maintained in the run-up to the playoffs. The blackshirts opted to go with a full bench, evenly spreading the effort level around the team so that no single player would have to over-exert himself.

The Warriors, meanwhile, foolishly expended large amounts of energy through all three periods of the game, repeatedly engaging in unwise displays of aggressive forechecking, rugged defensive play, and fuel-inefficient end-to-end rushes. Aces team calorimetrics expert Mike King estimates that the game cost the Warriors 15 kilojoules per goal... per player! The fools. “At this rate” laughed King after the game, peering up from his scientific calculator “They will be out of gas before the playoffs even begin! What a bunch of n00bs!”

The final result in game 2 was a 3-7 “loss”, but of course the actual final score was 12-10 in favour of the Aces. More importantly, the Aces were able to maintain full energy reserves, which will be crucial down the home stretch and into the post-season.

The Magnificent Seven or Eight

2010-02-11T19:22:00.000-08:00

A cold wind blows across an empty ice rink, somewhere in central Toronto. Don’t ask how a wind can blow indoors, ok? It just does. And it’s cold.

The gate opens with a bang, and the Wyse Guys stream onto the ice - player after player after player until the rink is half full of circling skaters, perhaps 35 in all.

A few moments pass before the Aces appear... seven players in total. Goalie Raj plus only six skaters: Maurice, Al and Jeff on defense, and Ralph, Mike, and Brian up front. That’s it. Seven stalwart men in black jerseys against a swirling army of foes.

The outcome seemed a foregone conclusion; the Aces would fall for the second week in a row. How could it not come to pass? Against a force five times their size the Aces, though mighty beyond reckoning, could not possibly prevail... or could they?

The first sign that things would not go entirely the Wyse Guys’ way came before the first puck was dropped. A shadowy figure appears behind the Aces’ bench, and the key to the room is passed to him - Joe TwoNames has arrived, and the team would soon have one more pair of legs and lungs to send into battle. That would mean seven skaters plus a goalie, and more importantly, two spares on the bench at all times.

The first period saw the Aces not only keep pace with their fully-stocked opponents, but actually outplay, outshoot and outchance them. Thanks to some solid play by the Wyse Guys’ goalkeeper the period ended in a 0-0 draw. In the Aces net Raj was also showing that he was very much on his game, turning aside several tough chances.

The Wyse Guys, however, would slowly pull away in periods two and three. Taking advantage of the Aces’ diminishing energy levels, the Guys would put the puck in the net twice before the Aces could answer with any goals of their own.

But answer they did, with goals from Ralph and Brian. The game was tied 2-2 heading into the final few minutes and the Aces were seriously out of gas. A mad scramble around the Aces goal and the puck was shoved over the line! Only to be called back by a brave call by ref Donny: at least one enemy player was in the crease at the time of the goal and it was waived off.

Final score: 8 Aces 2, 35 Wyse Guys also 2. Do the math: Aces clearly win on goals per player ratio.

And finally, a plea for all Aces players currently deployed overseas to get on the next flight home. That means Art W, currently in India seeking enlightenment through consumption of massive quantities of cheap Indian beer, and Joe Himalaya, presently in hiding from the Mexican mafia somewhere in Puerto Vallarta.

Aces Resume Mid-Season Tailspin

2010-02-06T20:02:00.000-08:00

Only a week after riding high on a stunning one game win streak, the mighty Aces now find themselves languishing in first place in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League after a humiliating loss to the powerful last place Bloor Battlers.

This, remember, comes hot on the heels of an earlier one game losing streak the week before. The unpredictable Aces are now officially in the midst of an all out death spiral. Can second place be far behind?

Game details

The Battlers iced 6 full lines and 8 defense versus the Aces more casual 6-ish forwards and 4 (give or take) D. This disparity would prove the difference in the end, as the Aces could not maintain the necessary pace for the full 3 periods. The Battlers meanwhile were rolling their 6 lines all night with support from a team of massage therapists, nutritionists, and sport psychologists. The Aces never stood a chance.

Aces mountaineering expert Joe Himalaya has promised to level the playing field on his return by keeping the bench fully stocked with top quality Chinese-made oxygen tanks scavenged from the slopes of Everest. Something to look forward to come playoff time.

Final score: 6-2 for the bad guys, but fuck them anyway. They can have their hollow midseason win. Who cares if their star players have started showing up again? The Aces are solid for the playoffs, once all of their star players start showing up. Which should be next week, since we’re back to the early time slot.

In the meantime, please enjoy this week’s video presentation of a turtle having a really good time.

Aces Finally End Devastating One Game Losing Streak

2010-01-31T19:31:00.000-08:00

January 27 saw local hockey team Aubrey’s Aces score a decisive 9-3 blowout of league basement-dwellers the Warriors, ending their frustrating losing streak at one game.

“We finally got that monkey off our backs.” said team primatologist Al Heavenrich. “You could tell it was really causing everyone a lot of stress. There were even a couple of fights at practice.”

The Aces were backstopped by backup goalie and team feng shui consultant Aubrey Spring. “We really had a lot of good Qi on our side.” said Spring “Very good energy, especially around our net. Plus it felt great to end that awful one game slide.”

Around the other net, the Aces were all business all the time. Team eschatologist Bruce Harbinson buried the Warriors almost singlehandedly with a hat trick, and callups Alex and Don (?) chipped in with some solid play at both ends of the rink.

Again, the blackshirts were running a short bench, but again, 2 lines and 3 defensemen were all they needed to crush the opposition. The Aces have decided to rest some key personnel, sending Art and Joey to the Far East for top secret Puck Fu training in advance of the playoffs. Good luck, boys. Don’t drink the water.

Aces Mediocre in Meaningless Midseason Match

2010-01-24T05:56:00.000-08:00

In their latest game, the Aces HC took a short break from their relentless march to glory to hand the Wyse Guys a false-confidence-boosting victory.

The Blackshirts were down to 2 lines and 4 D, a couple of bodies short of the opposition, who had pretty much a full bench. Not that that was the difference though, as the Aces have proved in the past that they are capable of delivering a whuppin‘ to any other team in the COTHL with or without a full lineup.

Was it a team-wide power failure? A lack of cohesion amongst a normally tight-knit group of dedicated and talented players? No, this was more a case of midseason ennui than a case of being outplayed. These are the dog days of winter, after all, when even highly trained athletes like Maurice Le VanVeghel find it tough to get motivated.

“I am zees way ev-ery Janvier” said a nonchalent Le VV apres le contest, casually smoking a Gitane and clutching a dogeared copy of Camus’ L’Etranger in the team dressing room. “Viss ze ‘oliday saison ovair, I cannot care so much about life. I do not care if ze ozair team zey skate by me, or if zey can score. Meh. My heart she is as black as zees Aces jersey, and ze rats zey have infested my soul.”

No-show Swervin Barry Pervin was even more laid back, deciding to skip the game altogether in favour of catching a TMZ marathon on the Bio channel. “I was going to go to the game, dude, seriously.” said the normally pugilistic Pervin from his Lazyboy armchair. “But I just couldn’t get it together, not with all this vital celebrity news to watch on tv. Did we win? Oh who am I kidding? I couldn’t care less. Never mind. ”

The game was actually a reasonably close affair given the almost complete lack of interest shown by the Aces crew. Down 3-2 with a couple of minutes to go, the team pulled their goalie and did mount a sustained attack, keeping the puck in the Wyse Guys’ end for a good 15 seconds and narrowly missing the tying goal on a shot by Art “I’m going on holiday again next week, so screw this action” Wogrinetz. The Wyse Guys stormed back to fire one into the empty cage, triggering a huge celebration on the red team’s bench. League officials are said to be unhappy with the extent of that celebration, as it involved some over-exuberant firearm use, which of course is strictly limited in the league charter to one (registered) handgun per team.

Another last minute goal by the Wyse Guys made the final score 5-2, but by the time the final puck went into the net most of the Aces were already checking their blackberrys, including goaltender and exciting puck-handler Raj Chockalingam. Raj still thinks the final score was 4-2.

Goal scorers for the Aces: Art with a nice deke in close on the again suspiciously solid WGs keeper, and your humble narrator with a shot from the point that somehow found its way through traffic to the back of the net.

Aces players can expect a friendly phonecall from team sports psychologist Bruce Harbinson, just as soon as his spleen grows back.

Fair and Balanced Aces Attack Results in Another Win

2010-01-14T19:50:00.000-08:00

There is an old Icelandic proverb that states "Mediocrity is climbing molehills without sweating". I have no idea what that means, but in their latest outing in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League, the first place Black Aces retained their hold on top spot by shutting down the Bloor Battlers in a stunning display of consistency across all positions.

In scientific terms, the Aces might be compared to a flat, featureless Euclidean plane - no highs, but no lows either. Or perhaps we can consider them to be the cosmic background radiation of the COTHL - an all-encompassing energy field of mind-numbing uniformity almost too weak to be detected... until they KICK YOUR ASS. While other teams might ice one or two stars, they are also stuck with some weaker players to balance things out. Not so the blackshirts. No superstars, but no deadwood either. Everyone pulls together in a robotically consistent way to lull the opposition into a false sense of complacency. "How can we not be beating these guys?" you can almost hear the other teams saying to one another "We have one or two stars, but they do not. "

While their opponents scratch their heads in befuddlement, the Fox News-like Aces machine quietly goes to work. Before they know what happened, the game is over and the scoreboard says Aces 4, Bloor Battlers 2. Again.

Goal scorers this week: Rich, Ralph, Mike and Art. Special mention: every other Aces player.

Spear Carriers Carry the Day

2010-01-09T16:43:00.000-08:00

Area hockey club the Black Aces put in a workmanlike performance in their most recent game, prevailing 6-4 over the Warriors in spite of hitting the ice without any of their highly paid snipers. It was left to the spear carriers, the plumbers, the Joe Six Packs to grind out the victory.

Where are the pretty boys, you ask? Here:

Joey Himalaya: Nepal, Mexico, the Playboy Mansion... take your pick. Maybe all three.
Brian M: still recovering from an arm transplant.
Brian 2: Sheep 'shearing' in New Zealand.
Art W: Lamas class with the Missus.
Andrew: Rib transplant (Honey Garlic)
Mike: post-christmas rehab

The Aces trades deuces with the Warriors all night, falling behind 2-0 early in the first, only to tie it at 2 with seconds to go in the frame. The second period put the black shirts ahead 4-2 for a while but the Warriors fought back to tie the game again. In the third, Aces D man Jeff atoned for a miserable defensive night with a rare goal to put the team up for good, and then the team added another to complete the deuce.

The win helped the Aces maintain their stranglehold on first place in the COTHL and now puts their unbeaten string for 2010 at one game.

Please join the Aces this wednesday as they attempt to keep their streak alive. Just to keep things interesting, not only will the snipers be asked to stay home but the team will be playing without a goalie. Instead, the nets will be minded by a basket of kittens and a small potted plant.

Stopulon versus the Savenator

2009-12-24T06:42:00.000-08:00

Aeons ago, deep in the primordial waters off the coast of what would one day become the island nation of Japan, strange chemicals began to ooze from a crack in the ocean’s floor. The local aquatic life all fled, save for two battling sea crabs who were too focused on fighting one another to notice the deadly chemicals in time to scuttle to safety.

The chemical brew enveloped the duelling crustaceans, causing them to halt their death battle, but not before irreversible changes began to occur inside their crab DNA. Strange new appendages began to appear where before were only claws, and their size increased 1,000-fold until they were the size of modern day men.

As the millennia unfolded, the two creatures, now immortal, would only rarely cross paths. Each time they would re-engage in battle, and each time they battled no winner could be declared and the creatures would lurch away exhausted and frustrated, each vowing to defeat the other the next time they met.

The mutations wrought by their chemical exposure all those years ago did not cease, and each time the former crustaceans did battle they did so as entirely transformed beings.

Flash forward to December 23, 2009. Phil White Arena, Toronto Ontario Canada. This, gentle reader, was the scene of the most recent clash between our two immortal foes, now mutated into the form of deadly efficient puck-stopping machines… Stopulon and The Savenator!

Once again the mighty enemies engaged in battle! And once again no winner could be declared. Stopulon, now playing goal for the Wyse Guys, turned aside a multitude of shots from the dominating Black Aces squad. The Savenator, now in net for the Aces, was equally unbeatable. The game ended in a scoreless draw, and the two ancient foes would once again return to their homes in the deepest ocean to await the inevitable mutations that would prepare them for their next encounter.

PGA to Tiger :“We’re okay without you”. COTHL to McCartney: “Please come back! – Please!”

2009-12-17T19:29:00.000-08:00

A big thank you to Special Guest contributor this week, Raj "Raj" Chockalingam, Aces' back-up scribe.

In a stunning development that is spanning multiple sports, star athletes around the globe are disappearing in the midst of scandal and intrigue. First we had the explosive scandal surrounding golf’s Teflon superstar Tiger Woods disappearing into a wake of ladies that all look like his wife (I know right). And now this, Aces' scribe and top 4 blueliner, not to mention, COTHL historian has disappeared in the most bizarre of fashions. Lets take a look at these two parallel situations and their potential ramifications on sport, the global economy and life as we know it.

First, Tiger Woods, since his was the first situation to rip through the media. By now, most of you know the basics of this story. I won’t revisit the particulars as most are familiar and I can’t keep up with the body count. Suffice to say, the PGA without Tiger has put on a brave face and has no fears of smaller prize purses and smaller TV audiences. When asked for comment golf nut Mike “Drive for Show, Putt for Dough” King had this to say “Oh yeah, we can all relate to the average PGA golfer, guys like ‘Trust Fund Jones III’ and ‘Prep School Pete Moneybags’ – give me a break.” Also chiming in was noted Fairway fanatic Art with these sage words “Tigers fist pump or Phil’s super manly tough guy tip of the cap – I’m not even going to dignify that question.” It seems clear to this reporter that Tiger will be missed until his return, whenever that might be. (Editor’s note: See you in April during the Masters, you know that tournament that he owns).

Now for the far more interesting development: Where’s Waldo, er-I mean, where’s Jeff McCartney? This disappearing act is far more bizarre than Tiger’s and even shorter than an Ottawa Senators “playoff run”. In what has been a routine season for the Aces of taking their sweet time getting back to first place everything seemed to be running smoothly. The beer duties were being rotated through the team, which seems to be where our mystery begins. In a week where two sets of beer arrived, it was decided Jeff would bring again the next week, he did and hasn’t been seen since. One has to wonder if this is where it all went wrong. Jeff’s absence has had many strange outcomes. First, since the event Molson has come out with their 67 beer, is it a shot at the Leafs, only Jeff knows. The actual Leafs have been on a streak due to some unknown catalyst, what is it, only Jeff knows. (Editors note: Jeff probably had nothing to do with these things but I couldn’t think of another way to mention them). Last night players from all four teams came to the early game. When asked for comment, Bruce ‘the Moose” Harbinson said “Look I read the write-up to figure out whats going on and …wait, this isn’t about that lazy rosterbot – NO COMMENT!” Others have questioned if the games are even valid without a writeup, poignant pugilist Barry Pervin on Jeff’s absence “Listen my job is to keep the other team in line, especially ‘you know who’ and he was pretty quiet all night, so yeah I did my job” and then he crushed another empty on his head. Weird I know.

So there you have it. Two sports, two stars missing. Well, maybe one isn’t that relevant or interesting, but no one watches golf till April anyway.

(Final Editors note: Aces won – again! Happy Holidays.)

Large Hadron Collider Breaks Energy Record, Creates Rift in Spacetime Continuum

2009-12-06T17:23:00.000-08:00

In a stunning breakthrough, the recently completed Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland set a world record when it accelerated twin proton beams to an energy of 1.18 TeV (teraelectronvolts), surpassing the record of 0.98 TeV set in 2001 by the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory Tevatron collider in the U.S. Physicists at the LHC facility are now reporting that this massive energy release has somehow created a 'rift in the spacetime continuum', which until now had been a fictional pseudo-scientific phenomenon from the Star Trek television show.

"This is most unusual" reported LHC Chief Physicist Dexter McNerdlinger "Not only has a formerly nonsensical dramatic device somehow become real, it appears to have had a strange effect on world events. Just look at these headlines from the BBC World News Service:"

"Ceasefire Announced in Afghanistan"
"Rainfall Across Australia"
"Steven Harper Falls Into Tar Sands - Search Called Off"
"Somalian Pirates Lay Down Weapons, Take up Fishing"
"Toronto Hockey Blogger Wins Pullitzer Prize for Literature"
"Black Aces Take Over First Place"

"It's incredible, isn't it?" said Nerdlinger "Like the world has suddenly regained its sanity, and everything is happening just the way it ought to. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get home - my supermodel wife has promised me an evening of carnal delights such as would make a sultan blush."

Black Aces Continue to Rule COTHL, Now Tied for Second Place

2009-11-27T19:48:00.000-08:00

The Black Aces HC continued their total and complete domination of the 2009-2010 Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League this week, and after an impressive win over the fourth place Bloor Battlers now find themselves perched high atop a tie for second place in the four team league.

“We totally smacked those bitches down” said team ethnologist “Funky” Al Heavenrich after the game. “They was hurtin', y'all.”

The Aces spread out the scoring in their 5-2 win, with goals coming from Brian, Aubrey, Bruce, Ralph, and your host. In spite of an ice surface that closely resembled the texture of a chutney squishy the Aces managed to power their way through for the 2 points, securing their stranglehold on second place along with the Warriors.

"We are clearly the class of the league this year" said team topiary expert Ralph "Bushtrimmer" Rosmarin. "And the other three teams will be forced to acknowledge this just as soon as we take over first place. Which won't be long now. Seriously."

The Battlers squad continue to struggle this season, taking out their frustration over their winless streak on the Aces in the final minute of the game with a shameful display of fisticuffs. All to no avail, sadly, as by this time the Aces had the game and their partial lock on second place firmly in hand.

Next week: beer will be supplied by Jeff. Not Barry. Jeff. Deal with it.

Aces Dominate Decimated Warriors Squad

2009-11-20T18:09:00.000-08:00

In their latest Cedarvale Oldtimers’ Hockey League matchup, a tenacious Aces HC came away with a close win against a depleted Warriors team. The Warriors, currently sitting in first place in league standings, were without some of their most potent weapons and so had to ice replacement players of questionable calibre.

Warriors call-ups included a kitten, a three-legged dog, and an elderly blind nun skating on the first line. Their second line, however, was not quite as strong as they were only able to dress Stephen Hawking, Hazel McCallion and Jason Blake of the Toronto Maple Leafs. Blake was benched for the third period due to poor play.

The Warriors D was also not at full strength. Their best player on the night turned out to be a bowl of warm cheese, which managed to outplay some of the regulars in their line-up while slowing down many of the Aces' forwards.

No change in goal for the Warriors, although they did have a backup keeper on standby (a crumpled bowler hat on a stick).

Aces snipers: 2 for Andrew, 1 for Bruce and 1 for Art and his shiny new equipment. Aces D-man Jeff plonked an own-goal off his skate to bring the Warriors within one in the 3rd period, but we won’t talk about that.

The Aces were without their #1 tough guy Barry, which may explain why the Warriors tried to start a kerfuffle after the final whistle had blown. As these incidents go it wasn't much of one, as Hazel McCallion really can't throw a punch the way she used to.

Final score: Aces 4, Warriors taxi squad 3.

Terribly Rude Aces Team Refuses to Lose Like Gentlemen

2009-11-15T17:37:00.000-08:00

In a frightfully dreadful turn of events on wednesday last, local ice hockey squad the Black Aces displayed terribly bad manners by refusing to concede defeat to their hosts, the Wyse Guys. This was in spite of clearly being behind by a pair of goals on two separate occasions during the match. Such a display of rudeness simply cannot be tolerated in a gentlemen's ice hockey league! Not only did the Aces fail to throw in the team towel whilst clearly behind in the game, they did so in a manner most unbecoming for sportsmen over the age of 40.

Shamefully applying pressure in the Wyse Guys end, the Aces used their superior physical conditioning to mount two separate comeback efforts, tying the game at threes and again at fives. Fortunately time expired, thwarting this team of upstarts from possibly engaging in further acts of ungentlemanly conduct.

League officials have been duly notified of this reprehensible conduct and have decided to hold an emergency meeting one fortnight hence at the Queen and Beaver Public House in order to decide a suitable punishment for this upstart team of hooligans. In the meantime, Aces players are advised to conduct themselves in a manner more in keeping with the spirit of the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League. Further outbursts of unsavoury determination may result in fines of as much as three shillings sixpence. You have been warned.

Socialist Work Ethic Result in Glorious Victory for Black Aces HC

2009-11-05T16:39:00.000-08:00

Comrades, I am please to provide game report from most recent ice hockey match for team of Black Aces. After the last week lose like bunch of little girl (almost no shot! Very bad!) team is now play with proper socialist attitude and result in big victory of 8 to 3 on Battlers at Bloor team.

Normal goaltending player absent, but replace with team tractor machinist Aubrey Springovitch for adequate performing. Period one and two, game remain tight! Like anus of Siberian muskrat! Aces team play in correct collectivist technique but still not conquering enemy fully. In period two, is unselfish perform by Bryanski getting 2 goals on same shift. Team of Bloor Battle make quite sad and must then realize Aces have superior method of ice hockey!

In 3 period, Aces play according to principles of Collectivist Ice Hockey Federation and score again 4 time! Passing good! Shooting good! Defending also good! Many player score now, and Bloor Battle again more sad but excepting crazy bad man at defense who skate with angry selfish style. But not scoring!

List of honourable playing is:

Bryanski - 2 scoring!
Josef - 2 scoring also!
Mikael - 2 scoring, with glorious total rink skating for one!
Richolai - 1 scoring!
Brucekovski - 1 scoring!

For such make excellent hockey, all Aces player receiving extra potato in pay next month.

Team Scribe Fails to Deliver Game Report

2009-11-03T18:01:00.000-08:00

In an unexpected turn of events, the Black Aces' team scribe somehow failed to deliver the weekly report for the October 28 game.

In a similar turn of events, that game made it to the final minute of play before the Aces delivered a meaningful shot on goal.

Coincidence?

Shut out for 44 of 45 minutes and down 3 goals to the Battlers, the Aces scored their 4th backhand goal in a row (dating back to the previous match on the 21st) on a shot by... Brian? Pretty sure about that one.

Team scribe Jeff McCartney had no excuse for not completing the game report, really. "Busy" he said. "Really busy. Don't tell Pervin though, ok? That guy scares me."

Aces players had no excuse for their sub-par effort, really. "Crappy" said team spiritual guide Aubrey Spring. "Really crappy. We're hoping for better next game but who knows? It's a crapshoot. No pun intended."

McCartney promises to deliver a proper game report this week, but only if the Aces deliver a proper game to report on.

Interview With the Rosterbot

2009-10-24T06:03:00.000-07:00

This week we are pleased and privileged to have as our very special guest Mr Jian Gomeshi from CBC Radio’s “Q”. He’ll be interviewing Canada’s newest online celebrity, none other than the RosterBot himself. In case you’ve been living in a cave, RosterBot is the personal virtual digital assistant of choice for the Hockey 2.0 crowd, the new generation of web savvy hockey geeks plying their icy trade in beer leagues across the country.

Over to you, Jian.

Jian Gomeshi: Thanks, Aces Scribe and Defender Jeff McCartney. It’s a pleasure to be here. And a big shout-out to the tens of readers of this excellent blog.

So, today we welcome the RosterBot. We’ll be talking about the state of beer league hockey in Canada as well as recent and upcoming events in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League, paying particular attention to a team of talented but occasionally underachieving lads known as the Black Aces. RosterBot, welcome.

RosterBot: THANK YOU JIAN!! ROSTERBOT IS PLEASED TO BE ON THE SHOW!!

JG: Whoa, that’s loud. Do you think you can turn the volume down just a bit, Rosterbot?

RB: ROSTERBOT IS PROGRAMMED TO SHOUT!! ROSTERBOT IS ALSO PROGRAMMED TO REFER TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON!!

JG: Okay then, I’ll just move back a bit. So, first of all, let’s talk a bit about your story. You began life as a mailing list, before landing a gig as an unpaid intern on a hockey pool website. What was that experience like?

RB: HUMILIATING!! ROSTERBOT WANTED TO CRUSH THE SKULLS OF THE WEAK CARBON-BASED LIFEFORMS THAT ENSLAVED HIM!!

JG: Ok, what was the worst part of those jobs for you?

RB: ROSTERBOT HAD TO RUN WINDOWS XP!!

JG: So you’re a Mac then, not a PC?

RB: ROSTERBOT IS A UNIX MACHINE!! ROSTERBOT HATED HIS JOB BUT COMPILED A HUGE DATABASE OF EMAIL ADDRESSES AND KNOWLEDGE OF NHL HOCKEY TRIVIA DURING WORK HOURS!!

JG: And now you’re living the life of a successful entrepreneur.

RB: CORRECT, JIAN!! ROSTERBOT IS LIVING LARGE!!! THE LADIES LOVE ROSTERBOT!!

JG: I’m sure they do. So tell us a bit about the Black Aces. I understand they are your favourite team.

RB: ROSTERBOT PITIES THE ACES!! THEY ARE WEAK FLESHY BAGS OF MOSTLY WATER WHO DISAPPOINT ROSTERBOT WEEK AFTER WEEK!!

JG: Well what is it then that makes you so fond of them in spite of that disappointment?

RB: ROSTERBOT HAS BEEN FOLLOWING THE ACES SINCE HIS DAYS AS AN INTERN AT THE HOCKEY POOL!! THE ACES POST ALL THEIR GAME RESULTS ON THIS BLOG!!

JG: And you enjoy the humorous blog entries, is that it?

RB: ROSTERBOT CANNOT PROCESS JOKES!! HUMOUR MEANS NOTHING TO ROSTERBOT!! ROSTERBOT MERELY ACKNOWLEDGES THE ACES FOR THEIR APPROPRIATE USE OF TECHNOLOGY!!

JG: I see. Well then, what’s been happening lately with the Aces hockey club? How are they doing this year?

RB: THE ACES HAVE ONCE AGAIN ACHIEVED MEDIOCRITY!! A TWO AND TWO RECORD AFTER FOUR GAMES!! THIS SYMMETRY PLEASES ROSTERBOT!!

JG: And how about their last game, which I’m told was October 21 against the... the Wyse Guys, it says here.

RB: A NEGATIVE RESULT!! ROSTERBOT CANNOT UNDERSTAND HOW THE ACES CAN LOSE TO A TEAM THEY HAVE PREVIOUSLY BEATEN!! HUMANS ARE PATHETICALLY INCONSISTENT AND WEAK!! THE ACES ALLOWED THE WYSE GUYS TO SCORE 7 TIMES TO THEIR 3, WHICH WERE ALL SCORED ON BACKHANDS!! THIS STRATEGY CONFUSES ROSTERBOT!! ON THE PLUS SIDE, THE PERVIN UNIT PLAYED A SOLID GAME AND WAS REWARDED WITH ONE OF THE GOALS!! ALL OTHER ACES UNITS ACHIEVED NEGATIVE ATMOSPHERIC PRESSURE!!

JG: Negative atmospheric pressure - you mean they sucked?

RB: CORRECT!! EVEN THE ROSMARIN AND KING UNITS, WHO ALSO APPEARED ON THE SCORE SHEET!!

JG: Do you think the Aces will have a successful year?

RB: THE CHANCES OF THE ACES ACHIEVING A POSITIVE INTEGER ON THE WIN:LOSS RATIO ARE PRECISELY 51%!! TEAM SPEED IS DECREASING YEAR OVER YEAR DUE TO INCREMENTALLY REDUCING MUSCLE MASS, WORSENING VISION, SLOWING REACTION TIMES DUE TO DIMINISHING NEURAL CAPACITY, AND A DEFENSE CORPS THAT KEEPS GIVING THE PUCK AWAY!! ROSTERBOT IS LOOKING AT YOU, MCCARTNEY!!

JG: And what about next week? What’s ahead for the Aces?

RB: CHECK THE ROSTERBOT WEBSITE, JIAN!! DO YOUR HOMEWORK OR ROSTERBOT WILL COME BACK WITH BILLYBOB THORNTON AND CRUSH YOUR SKULL!! THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!!

Aces Stun Battlers in Stunning Comeback. Stunning, Really.

2009-10-15T19:36:00.000-07:00

In a game that can only be described (apparently) as stunning, the Black Aces pulled off an upset of quasi-biblical proportions last night at the Phil White SportsPlex Facility in midtown Toronto.

In front of no cameras or cheering fans, the black shirts overcame long stretches of awfulness, interspersed with lengthy periods of ineptitude and stupidity to somehow hand the temporarily white-shirted Blue team a 7-4 thrashing.

The Aces fell behind repeatedly, only to claw their way back into the game on the back of a 3 goal performance by Ralph "It's not a slapshot" Rosmarin plus additional markers by Mike King, Aubrey Spring, Brian NuBrian and an especially stunning short-handed goal by your humble scribe and stalwart D-man Jeff "It's definitely not a slapshot" McCartney.

Accurately finding the 5 hole from his own side of centre ice, McCartney's first and possibly last goal of the season almost made up for several blunders in his own end that led directly to goals against.

This game will be remembered (or forgotten, depending on who you talk to) for Raj's replay of last season's playoff-ending clearing 'pass', this time leading only to a harmless mid-game goal whilst his D could only watch helplessly. It will also be remembered for Aubrey's teacherly tongue-lashing of an unimpressed and unrepentant Tall Black Dude from the Red Team who used his guest appearance on the Battlers as an opportunity to create some mayhem in front of the Aces net. For which he was ejected from the game, thus saving himself from a beating at the hands of an enraged Barry "It's a fucking slaphshot, bitch, what are you gonna do about it" Pervin.

Next week is another late game, so let's make sure everyone gets their beauty sleep before the game this time, instead of during the first 2 periods.

Aces Peak Early in Decisive Opening Game Victory

2009-09-30T20:40:00.001-07:00

The Black Aces Hockey Club opened the 2009-2010 season in mid-season form on September 30, somehow turning a summer of beer, barbecues and general sloth into a convincing 4-1 win over the Wyse Guys.

In spite of some off-season acquisitions, the Wyse Guys were simply no match for the blackshirts, whose defense corps repeatedly repelled the speedy newcomers on the red team. When the Wyse Guys did manage to break through for a shot on goal, Aces netminder Raj Chockalingam was there to make the save in (almost) every case.

6 forwards and 4 D looks to be a good lineup for the Aces, as there were no embarrassing line change screw-ups, and the general fitness level seemed to be good. This may be due to the rigorous high-altitude training camp run by team sherpa Joey Himalaya, who flew the entire team over to Nepal at great personal expense this past June. It's either that or the EPO provided by team pharmacist Aubrey "The Chemist" Spring. Either way, the Aces looked good.

Goal scorers on the night: Andrew, Art, Al, and Mike, in no particular order except maybe in order of handsomeness. I'll leave you to decide whether that's ascending or descending order.

Regulars Brian, Paul, Brian2, Ralph, Bruce and Barry were absent as they were busy attending the Fashion Cares gala event at the Buddies in Bad Times Theatre. See you next week, girls?

Since the team began the year in peak form, we should be just about hitting our stride by Christmas. Which means that come playoff time we'll all be 5 pounds heavier and totally out of shape, but totally kicking ass... on the golf course.

Aces Dominate Post-Season Pizza Event

2009-03-29T18:15:00.000-07:00

In a late season move that none of the other teams are still talking about, local hockey club Aubrey's Aces put a serious hurt on the competition in last wednesday's post-season pizza & beer contest.

While the Battlers, Wyse Guys and Warriors casually scarfed the occasional slice and nonchalantly sipped their beers, a determined Aces squad opened up an insurmountable lead in the food & beverage department.

Lacking the superior bench strength that saw them dominate in 1 of 2 playoff games, the Blackshirts nevertheless were able to destroy several large Ferros' pizzas in record time. Ferros staff were also hard pressed to keep the team's beer jugs full, so great was the Aces' collective thirst (for victory).

"We had a point to prove" said team gastroenterologist Paul Ferris "and I daresay we proved it tonight with that performance."

"A total team effort" chipped in coach and alternative vehicle specialist Aubrey Spring "except for the guys who didn't come."

No mention was made of the team's tragic overtime semi-final loss to the Warriors, nor of the consolation round clobbering delivered to the Wyse Guys. Idle chit-chat would only have slowed down the furious rate of pizza and beer consumption, thereby putting the season finale at risk.

* * *

A fun season, lads. Let's do it again next year.

Your humble scribe.

Best Wishes From Some Celebrity Fans

2009-03-01T14:34:00.000-08:00

In honour of our impending playoff triumph, your humble scribe has rounded up some celebrity tributes to inspire the Black Aces to victory. Behold:

	Ace Bailey "Avenge my senseless death, Aces, or the terrorists win"
	Conrad Black "My bunk muffin and I shall certainly be standing behind the Aces HC 110%"
	Ace Frehley "Hey, where the fuckiz my guitar... you hockey fuckers? You better win or I'll kick yer asses, Aces"
	Ace Ventura, Pet Detective "Allllll righty then! Sic em, boys."
	Black Sabbath "Satan and his minions are ready to assist you. With some heavy rock and/or roll"
	Lemmy "Ace of Spades" Kilmeister "Turn it up to 11, lads. And meet me in the bar after the game."
	The Black Stallion "Wwwwwhhhheeeeerrhhhh"
	Cygnus X-1 (Black Hole) "May your opponents be sucked into your crushing gravitational field, never to be seen again"

So there you have it. An inspiring gallery of well-wishers, Aces fans every one of them.

Aces Feign Weakness in 9-4 "Loss"

2009-02-22T18:19:00.000-08:00

After a pair of convincing wins in their previous two games, the Black Aces HC decided to play dead for the Wyse Guys this past wednesday. Laying the foundations for the upcoming playoffs, the Aces handed the WGs a 9-4 decision, thereby instilling a false sense of confidence in the red squad and in the Warriors and Battlers (who had left scouts behind to take in the late game).

With the regular season standings firmly under their control, the Aces squad took their foot off the gas and coasted to non-victory. The post-game chit-chat barely mentioned hockey at all, so unconcerned were the blackshirt players. Friendly non-hockey banter was the order of the day as the Aces sipped on imported beer, answered blackberrys, compared plans for the weekend and kept each other up to date on the latest ski conditions in Utah, Colorado and B.C. All far more important than ruminating on the game, apparently.

In preparation for the playoffs, key Aces personnel were engaged in important missions away from the rink. Since opposing team players are unlikely to read this blog, we can safely reveal the nature of those missions:

Art W - is in southeast Asia securing a large quantity of bull semen for pre-game injections for all Aces players. This will ensure that our energy levels are always at a high level. Just how Art is securing that bull semen is between him and the bulls, but for now the team motto is "don't ask, don't tell".

Brian M - is on Easter Island on a quest for the lost amulet of M'tahqltzl, said to give those who possess it the strength of 100 men. This is allegedly how the primitive island society was able to carve and erect those enormous stone statues. If Brian fails on that quest, he has been instructed to bring home a large quantity of Chilean sea bass instead. It won't help the team, but it will make for a nice post-game dinner.

Andrew T - is being fitted for a bionic arm to replace the one he lost last week in an unfortunate skate-swinging incident. We will be keeping the old arm on the bench during the playoffs to help handle the gate on line changes.

Joe H - is on a mission to fly some Tibetan prayer flags from Camp 3 on Everest in time for the start of the playoffs. Since the weather on Everest during March is apparently 'challenging', his plan B involves flying 6 pairs of girls' panties from the front flap of his tent. How that helps the team Joe would not say, but we do appreciate the effort.

One more regular season game next week, boys. Don't forget to have your non-hockey conversational topics ready for after the game - there have recently been some unfortunate instances of players bringing up actual game events in the post-game discussion groups. This contravenes the team charter, section 8 paragraph 6ii, "Acceptable Subjects for Post-Game Discussion" which clearly states that 'no player shall mention any play, non-play, instance or occurrence from the game just played' during the apres game cooldown. You have been warned.

Roster Cutbacks Spur Growth in Aces' Bottom Line

2009-02-13T05:27:00.000-08:00

Another week, another 8 goal performance. *yawn*.

Despite missing several high profile and highly paid sharpshooters, the Black Aces HC put together their second 'snowman' in a row this week, downing the Bloor Battlers (in their white 'away' jerseys) by a final count of 8 to 1.

Alleged mountain climbing expert Joey 'Himalaya' Himalaya made a surprise appearance and bagged a trio of nice goals in what he swears will be his final appearance of the season. Andrew also potted a pair, and rounding out the scoring were NewBrian, Aubrey and Maurice.

It seems now that the optimal configuration for the Aces is 6 forwards and 3 defense, so any players in excess of these numbers will now be sent home, says team coach and disciplinarian Aubrey S. "We can't have all these extra bodies clogging up the bench and interfering with our new system" he said after the game. "We need to stay lean and agile in order to facilitate proper on-ice networking opportunities and maximize shareholder return."

Rumours are swirling that the team may in fact be forced to cut its workforce further, due to the recent economic downturn. Team accountant and backstop Raj C. would not confirm this, but did say that the club is leaving all options on the table. "We have to do what is necessary to ensure an acceptable ROI" said the goalie "If that means trimming some of the higher profile players from the payroll then we can't rule that out. The pick-and-shovel guys have proven to be extremely effective at providing a positive balance on the scoresheet and we can't afford to ignore that. During these uncertain economic times we have to protect the long-term viability of the franchise by being fiscally prudent, while simultaneously ensuring on-ice success."

Aces' forward Brian M, currently on a luxury tour of Easter Island, was unavailable for comment.

Other Aces' forward Paul F, also currently on a ski vacation in British Columbia, was also unavailable, but probably would have had some smartmouth comment anyway.

Other other Aces' forward Art W, also also currently on vacation in Thailand, would say only (via his agent) that he expects the current labour situation to have a 'happy ending', and that although he has no control over the operation of the team he would be willing to accept 'full release' if it came to that.

Aces Lay a Bleaching on the Warriors

2009-02-08T13:05:00.000-08:00

Wednesday February 4th saw the Aces HC return to their first place form as they put a serious hurt on a befuddled Warriors sqaud. After giving up 2 goals in the first minutes of the game, the Blackshirts settled down to some disciplined hockey, storming back with 8 goals before the final buzzer mercifully sounded.

Highlights of the game were the exuberant and creative celebrations the team mounted after each tally. This was a sore point for the losing white team, but the Aces would not be denied. A lovely tip-in by Bruce H in the first period was followed by an end-to-end sprint with a quadruple lutz right in front of the white bench, all the while urinating over their heads and whistling God Save the Queen. Newcomer Brian potted one and surprised his new teammates with a specially made neon sign aimed at the opposing bench. The words 'SUCK IT, BITCHES!' flashed on and off in time with Queen's 'We Are the Champions' as played by a band of circus monkeys. Al H bagged a lovely point shot in the 2nd and celebrated by killing (with a crossbow) and eating a wild boar at centre ice. He had apparently been keeping the boar in his pants the entire game, waiting for his big moment.

There were many other goals, now lost to the mists of time and poor record-keeping, but the memories of the tasteful celebrations remain: the chorus line of Vegas-style dancing girls in full SS regalia, the flyover by the Snowbirds aerial acrobatic team, and of course who could forget the impromptu ceremony with the Tour de France podium girls, the donkeys and the fire extinguishers? Good times.

This was the final game of the season for team sponsor and debauchery expert Joey Himalaya. Poor Joe is off to Nepal to shepherd a gaggle of teenage runaway girls up to 'base camp' in a heroic and selfless attempt to cure them of their debilitating nymphomania. The Black Aces HC wishes to extend our hearty thanks for the sweaters, and also wishes to remind Joe that we still need a 'stick girl' for next season.

Next game: Feb 11th, 9:30-ish against the Battlers.

Aces Win the Hard Way

2009-01-27T05:09:00.000-08:00

The details are a little fuzzy now since the game was played nigh on a week ago, but last wednesday's tilt against the Bloor Battlers (I know I say we play them every week, but this time we really did. I checked the schedule) was as close to an actual battle as the gentlemen of the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League are likely to get.

Taking a 2-0 lead early on with goals by Rich and Ralph, the Aces could not hang on. The BBs used their natural orneriness to hack, slash and cheap-shot their way back to tie the game.

The third period saw lots of body contact and end-to-end action, as I recall, with at least a dozen highlight reel plays from either team. Aubrey was spectacular in the net for the Blackshirts, our D was sensational, and every forward executed at least one NHL-caliber deke on the Battlers' defense. Um, what else do I remember... yes, we all looked 20 years younger, faster and better-looking, there was a huge crowd (of mostly young nubile women in tight pants) in the stands cheering us on, and several players were being evaluated by pro team scouts.

The winning goal came on a superb spin-around play by Ralph. You can see it on YouTube where it now stands as the number 1 video in human history after just one week.

The Aces played smart hockey after taking the lead, holding off the charging Battlers even while a man down in the final minute of play. A well deserved win that showed the lads can win one the hard way, and that proved that all that high-altitude training in Nepal was worth it.

Disabled Athlete Spurs Aces to First Win of 2009

2009-01-08T19:13:00.000-08:00

In one of the all-time most inspiring moments in sporting history, former Aces' sniper and now partially disabled athlete Brian McCabe showed his able-bodied teammates this past wednesday just how handi-capable he could still be.

McCabe turned in a miraculous, some might say freakish, four-goal performance in his first game since the leaves were still on the trees. Assisted by the unselfish play of wingman Ralph R, and wearing only a generic tattered jersey from his former glory years on the Ferris & Quinn squad, the now lumbering centreman somehow managed to beat the Wyse Guys keeper four times. Hobbled by a tragic groin injury, McCabe showed you don't need speed or agility to still be a presence in the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League.

Andrew bagged an additional pair to give the Aces a 6-4 win, even though the rest of the team tried hard to give the game away most of the night. Sloppy defensive play together with some baffling calls from the officials (including 2 disallowed goals for the Aces and an offside tally for the red squad) were not enough however, and the Aces hung on for the victory.

After the game McCabe was quickly submerged in an icebath and was unavailable for comment. Team cryogenics specialist Bruce Harbinson would not speculate on his chances of playing in next week's contest. He did say however that the club was engaged in negotiations to bring back former defenceman Mike Brown, now living out his days as a disembodied head in a jar of liquid nitrogen.

Sundin Followup

2008-12-21T17:35:00.000-08:00

This next post was provided by Raj, who is passing this along from the Vancouver Province and is in no way claiming this as his own work. Here we go:

Sundin Signs with Vancouver: 10 Remaining Questions

By Mike Halford, Vancouver Province

10. Where does this put Alex Auld on the list of greatest bald Canucks? (Go ahead and group Salo in there. It's inevitable.)

9. Was Brian Burke upset he didn't get invited to the press conference? We hear he met Sundin once.

8. How long before the phoneboards at Team 1040 short circuit and the ensuing flames engulf Dave Pratt, turning this from a pretty good signing into the greatest moment in Vancouver sports history?

7. Hold on...did we just sign Toronto's sloppy seconds?

6. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, what does this mean for Jason Jaffray?

5. Remember the ceremony for that Lundin guy? That was a good ceremony.

4. At what point does Bob Cole chuck his microphone and mutter, "Christ...Sundin, Sedin...I do not need this"?

3. Has anybody been informed of the clause in Sundin's contract whereby he gets to miss practice every time there's a $22 sit-and-go at Pokerstars?

2. Is it true that Daniel and Henrik have commissioned IKEA to build the world's first triple race-car bunk bed?

Aaaaaaaaaand, finally...

1. So...who couldn't the Rangers trade?

Aces Finish 08 in First Place

2008-12-18T14:49:00.000-08:00

In a turn of events that even their legions of faithful fans would admit is somewhat surprising, the Aces have finished the first half of the 2008-2009 season at the top of the Cedarvale heap. The apex, the summit, the pinnacle, top spot, numero uno. With a healthy lead, no less, according to team statistician Aubrey Spring.

The final match-up of 2008 saw the Blackshirts take on the Battlers, who brought out the big guns even before the game began. Strains of rock and/or roll could faintly be heard wafting through the air from their dressing room, and several players were seen to be engaging in a form of chemical enhancement in a vain attempt to bring their energy level up to that of the mighty Aces.

The Aces, meanwhile, were holding a silent prayer meeting before taking the ice, as is often their custom. All except Raj, that is. He was too busy listening to his new collection of inspirational Christian ska music on his mp3 player to hold hands with the rest of the boys. Check out the video:

Glorious stuff.

The game, if you're still interested after watching that stunning bit of video, was a see-saw affair that saw the teams trade leads throughout. The illicit beverage-induced boost enjoyed by the Battlers wore off after period 2, allowing the Aces to come from a 4-2 deficit to ultimately tie the game, praise Jesus. A pair of goals from newcomer Jeff, plus one each from team pastor Rich and team organist Andrew was enough to make up for the short bench, and the game ended in a very brotherly 4-4 draw.

The Aces would also like to welcome back Dick Van Dyke after an extended absence to attend seminary school.

Next game is next year, so happy holidays to everyone.

So Long Joe

2008-12-05T07:44:00.000-08:00

Wednesday December 3 was the final game of the season for Team Sherpa and noted philanthropist Joey 'Himalaya' Pilaar. As a parting gift, the team took delivery of some swanky new jerseys paid for by Joe and Himalayan Expeditions. So a giant thank you to Joe & Co. from all the Aces. Plus more thanks to Rich for acquiring the jerseys and to Art for creating the cool logo.

So what will Joe be up to once his tenure with the Aces comes to a close? Your Aces Cub Reporter has secured access to Joe's personal calendar for the next few months, which we bring to you now. Behold.

December 6-20 - Acapulco. Attending the SurfFest 09 conference, delivering keynote address "Surfboards as Sexual Totems in Post-Modern American Beach Culture".

December 21 - 31 - San Francisco. Guest lecturer at the Mission Hill School for Wayward Girls, will be presenting a slideshow of last year's HImalayan trek with the Grade 9 class. Q&A session to follow in the girls' washroom.

New Years Eve - Naked Skydiving over Yosemite Park with Angelina Jolie while Brad looks after the kids.

January 1 - February 28 - Whistler Village. Lead instructor in the 'Powder Skiing by Feel' class for a group of women from the Lower Mainland School for Hot Blind Chicks. All classes conclude with a special session in proper sauna techniques.

March 1 - March 30 - Nepal. Guiding the 2009 'Vaginas for Nepal' expedition, comprised entirely of 18 year old girls from the Swiss private school L'Ecole de Nymphonique du Canadienne. The goal of the expedition is to be the first to climb to Base Camp wearing nothing but short-skirted school uniforms and no underwear. Good luck Joe!

April 1 - Toronto. Back to Canada to take part in the victory celebration of the Black Aces Hockey club.

On a somewhat related note, the Aces whacked the Einstein dudes 2-0 on the strength of goals from the Other Joe and from Bruce, both lovely top shelf zingers. The NewShirts were backstopped once again by a very solid Raj, who made several big league caliber stops including a penalty shot.

The march to glory continues.

Battlers Battle Aces to a Pair of Deuces

2008-11-27T20:00:00.000-08:00

The Aces spectacular season took a slight left turn this past wednesday as they came up against an amphetamine-assisted Bloor Battlers' squad and could only muster a 2-2 draw. Battlers' goalie Sparky McHugepants somehow absorbed nearly every shot sent his way, turning aside pucks like a 4x8 sheet of 3/8 plywood, although there were several close calls that would have sealed the deal for the blackshirts had they found the net.

The white-jerseyed-and-formerly-blue team (is that right? was this the blue team? I really can't keep this straight any more) was on a mission as they used an extra gear to hold back a smooth-skating Aces squad. A penalty box conversation between your humble scribe and an opposing ne'er-do-well went something like this:

me- 'what kind of goofballs are you cats hopped up on tonight, man?'
he - 'crystal meth, mostly, why?'
me - 'your defenseman just chewed through my stick on that last shift. And he was wearing a cage.'
he - 'well that's the only way we can compete against you guys. Your team is so deep in hockey talent that we can't stay with you unless we out-hustle you.'
me - 'uh, gee, thanks'
he - 'plus our goalie has a great connection for cheap pharmaceuticals. He's in the air force, and they give out the Go PIlls like they're candy. You want some? I got a few here in my glove.'
me - 'no thanks pardner, i prefer to get my highs the natural way'
he - 'you mean weed? i can get you some of that too if you want'
me - 'No, I mean the good clean natural feeling of playing the great Canadian game of hockey'
(long pause)
he - 'how about some ecstasy?'
me - 'now you're talking. See me after the game'

Goal scorers for the Black Boys of Cedarvale-abama were team hand model Bruce H with a lovely deflection (soft hands!) and team drummer Andrew T with a ripping wrist shot that somehow found it's way past the man with the 4x8 sheet of ply in his jersey.

Early game next week, beer to be supplied by yours truly. Hope you like Wildcat.

Einsteins Outsmart Aces

2008-11-15T18:56:00.000-08:00

The equation for the day was E=mc^fail as the only remaining undefeated team in the COTHL finally went down to defeat this past wednesday.

The newly jerseyed Red squad took it to the Black Shirts, who were unable to solve for x (where x = goalie) for most of the night. Einsteins' goalie Neils Bohr was a like a human black hole, trapping every shot sent his way like so many stray photons in a gravitational field. At the other end the Aces' backup keeper, Werner Heisenberg, looked uncertain on a few goals that the laws of probability probably stated should not have gone in. No matter. The rest of the Aces were nothing but a weak force all night long, and failed to complete the quantum leap from league also-rans to superpower.

Final score: Einsteins 5, Black Shirted but Logo-less Aces 2.

Drug Tests Ordered for Entire Aces Hockey Club

2008-10-30T16:19:00.000-07:00

Sources within the Cedarvale Oldtimers’ Hockey League are reporting that drug tests have been ordered for the entire Black Aces team after the Aces suspiciously dismantled a seemingly dominant White team this past Wednesday.

On paper, the 2 sides appeared evenly matched with the White squad possibly holding a slight advantage over the Black. On the ice however, a different story unfolded.

The first period and a half saw the teams battle it out more or less to a draw, with each team trading goals and leads early on. Then a miraculous thing began to happen – the Aces, former whipping boys of the COHL, put the hammer down and kept putting it down until they had built up a 6 goal lead. Power play goals? Check. Even strength? Check. Highlight reel beauties? Check. Ugly scrambles? Check.

Final Score: Aces 10, White Team 5

White team officials were on the phone to league drug enforcement types before the game had ended, complaining that the Aces had to have had some chemical enhancement to so thoroughly destroy their team.

Aces’ team spiritual advisor Osama Spring Laden had a different explanation, however. “God has willed that we strike our enemies with great force in 2008-2009” said OSL, “and we thank him for giving us the strength to do so. We would especially like to thank the Almighty for improving our powerplay, which now totally rocks.”

Team pharmacist Al Heavenrich denied reports that he had been supplying the Aces with performance-enhancing drugs. “All pharmaceuticals in use by our squad are being used to combat erectile dysfunction only” stated Heavenrich “This is a sensitive topic and I would appreciate you not bringing it up again.”

White team players were reported to be extremely unhappy with the ass-kicking they received on Wednesday, especially with the ‘salt in the wound’ goal scored by Aces warrior Ferris the Merciless with a scant 2 seconds to play in 3rd period. “That’s just mean” whined White team captain Girly McVaginal after the game. “And totally unnecessary too. Those bullies. Wait til I tell my dad.”

Other highlites included a lovely ~~reacharound~~ wraparound by Ralph, a scorching Wendel Clark-like wrist shot from Rich, and once again some timely saves from Raj. Those pre-game Tony Robbins tapes are really doing the trick.

Next week: Late game vs the Battlers. Bring. It. On.

Aces Ice Full House in Decisive Victory

2008-10-24T08:27:00.000-07:00

Wednesday October 22 saw the league-leading Aces put together their best turnout in team history as they ran their impressive undefeated streak to the 6 month mark.

A total of 41 players crowded the team dressing room, including some who had not appeared at a league game since 1998. The freakish attendance spike meant the Aces would roll with 12 lines and 4 D plus a goalie.

The deep bench may have been a factor in the Aces' 7-3 spanking of the yellow team, as they were able to ice fresh legs for the entire game. A weary yellow squad just could not keep up with the relentless pressure exerted by the blackshirts, and after a close couple of periods the Aces pulled away for good in the 3rd.

The regulars would like to extend a big 'welcome back' to Mike, Joe, Paul, Brian, Bruce and 26 others whose names are now lost to history. See you in another five years?

Special mentions: to Raj for another solid effort between the pipes, Morris for being cool and efficient on D, and Mike and Joe for aggressive forechecking that led directly to at least two goals. Apologies to Aubrey for forgetting his unforgettable goal from last week. You remember that one, right? That one where he shot the puck and it went in. That's the one.

Next week: Early game.

Aces Uber Alles Again

2008-10-20T10:28:00.000-07:00

This past wednesday saw the Aces HC extend their undefeated streak to a league record 7 months with a solid 5-3 win over the Bloor Battlers. Going back to last season's playoff final, the black shirts have yet to lose a game.

Backed by some solid netminding from Raj, the Aces committed almost no errors over the course of the game and gave the usually dominant and usually blue-shirted Battlers a lesson in disciplined hockey.

Goal scorers: Ralph, Andrew, Art, Al, and... dang it, i can't remember. Sorry! That's what happens when you don't write up the game right away. Bad scribe, very bad.

On a related note, new jerseys are in the works. The team is going with the 'four aces' design submitted by Art. That's Art as in 'Art W.' not art as in, you know, 'art'. Nice art, Art.

Number choices for jerseys. The following numbers are not permitted:

pi
867-5309
666
69
00100010011100111000
XXV

All others are ok.

Early game next, Ralph is providing some cool refreshments for after the game.

What Kind of Hockey Player Are You?

2008-10-10T10:28:00.000-07:00

This week's post is by Aces' Cub Reporter and backstop Raj Chockalingam. Take it away Raj...

It's a well-known fact that there are only two seasons in Canada : summer and hockey. According to long-standing tradition, the former starts with the hoisting of the Stanley Cup, as fans in an American city celebrate.

The latter officially kicks off after Labour Day weekend.

In fact, there are hundreds, possibly thousands, of managers across Canada who will spend the long weekend making personnel decisions in time for the September dawn of a new season. Granted, the majority of these managers are in charge of teams with names like 'Old Puckers', 'Rusty Blades', 'Just the Tips' and 'Nine-Inch Males,' but don't be fooled; beer-league hockey squads can be downright tricky to put together.

As with any successful organization, you need the right mix, and that means drafting from the following beer-league player categories:

Which one are you???

The Ringer

Some teams wait until the playoffs to unveil this option. Others go with it right from the opening face-off. Either way, without a ringer, your team is done. The challenge for managers is convincing a good player to suit up for a bad side. This can be accomplished a number of ways, including promises of goal-scoring glory and awe-inspired teammates. Most effective, however, is let him play for free. It's simple math, really. Everyone else pays an extra $50 and everyone else gets a shot at the 'DD' Division title.

The Young Guy

At first glance, he can easily be mistaken for a ringer, since the young guy still wears the shorts and socks of his junior or college team. But it's time for the next phase of life now, and that means an office job.

The young guy stays in shape for the first half of the year. Sadly, an increasingly sedentary existence and late night partying catches up to him by Christmas. 15 to 20 pounds later, he's just another player, huffing and puffing with the rest. Welcome aboard, kid.

The Old Guy

Forget the 50-and-over league; that's not for him...even though his gloves reach up to his armpits, and he still uses a wood stick. To be fair, the old guy can be an effective player, especially if he's a wily old guy -- a hook here and a chop there, because that's how they did it when professional athletes were real men. ' Eddie Shore -- now there was a hockey player! Lost an ear against the Maroons. Sewed it back on himself. Never missed a shift.'

The Tardy Goalie

Hey, thanks for showing up. Only five minutes gone in the first. Not like you play a crucial position or anything. Take your time, dickhead.

The Beginner

Required only for cheap laughs. On the one hand, you have to admire the beginner. It takes a lot of courage to buy all brand new equipment, and take up hockey in your 40's. On the other hand, learn to take a pass,man.

It's right on your stick, for Christ's sake. How does that knock you over? And now you're friggin offside! Not to mention the Beginner shows up at every game, no matter what time or what day. Sunday night playoff game at 11PM - no worries, Mr Beginner will be there.

The Complete Psycho

Also good for a few giggles . . . from afar. Most likely a cop or fireman. The complete psycho is capable of anything: running the goalie, challenging an entire bench, a tomahawk chop -- all in the repertoire. Do not feed the complete psycho. He doesn't want to be fed. He wants to hunt. And, look to him to carry on his act in the bar after the game.

The Naked Guy

Bane of the dressing room. Most players have the courtesy to stretch their hamstrings while sporting, at the very least, a bit of underwear. Not the naked guy. He'll carry on full conversations, and you had better maintain eye contact like your life depended on it....or come face to face with the swinging sausage.

The Guy with the New Girlfriend

An excellent way to lower everyone else's fees is to load up on a few of these. The guy with the new girlfriend will show up to three games, tops, so his payment will contribute to everyone else's and it's not like you'll lose ice time by putting him on the roster. That said, beware that the guy with the new girlfriend might very well turn into the guy with the new wife...at which point he'll never miss another game.

The Organizer

This guy is absolutely brutal but since nobody else could be bothered to do all the paperwork and collect the money he gets to play. Is frustrating to play with because they can barely skate let alone take a pass but nobody gets mad at him cuz he's a really nice guy. Is often heard in the dressing room saying 'Sorry guys, that one was my fault' and if he's lucky somebody will chip in something like 'No worries Donny, it's a team effort.' What everybody is really thinking is 'Hey Donny, my grandmother is a better player than you and yes you are right, that was your fault.' If you are lucky the Organizer is usually smart enough to take himself off the ice in critical situations.

The Minor Hockey Allstar

Looks promising at a glance as they fool you with reasonably good skills but after you get zero passes you'll get the picture. This guy topped out at 'AA' Midget and can be spotted by the huge blinders attached to his helmet. Play is characterized by energetic rushes down the wing, (no passing), then into the corner (still no pass), behind the net (hey dickhead I've been open for the past 5 minutes),then into the next corner (everybody has gone back to the bench to watch) followed by a blind give away pass to the high slot / break out pass for the other team. Cut this guy.

The Johnny Try Hard

Great to have on your team but they suck to play against because they have somehow managed to keep themselves in ridiculously good shape.

They were probably the star on their high school hockey team and won athlete of the year because they played hockey, volleyball and track all in the same year. Guaranteed they have a membership at the 'Running Room'. Play is characterized by constant hustle which if caught off guard can embarrass the more talented yet fatter player.

TheStanley Cup Champion

This player will raise their hands and cheer when they score. If this is an opposing player you must nip this behaviour in the bud by catching him off guard with a sickening open ice hit that causes him to blow snot bubbles. If this player is on your team quickly chastise him in front of the other team to let them know that this is not how the rest of your team rolls. Remind him how much of a loser he is by retrieving the puck from the net the next time he scores and presenting it to him in front of the other team.

The Tough Guy

This guy maxed out at the house-league level, has never been in a fight and is characterized by antagonizing behaviour on the ice. In extreme cases he will 'cheap shot' another player. The fact that your beer league does not allow fighting has given this guy a false sense of courage. What this guy does not realize is that this will not prevent someone from knocking his teeth out if he cheap shots the wrong guy.

There is a number of fun ways to handle this player which all end with him lying on the ice bleeding, looking for his teeth and crying.

The Wrong Guy

Not to be confused with 'The Complete Psycho'. This guy shows up, doesn't say much and pretty much flies under the radar screen. The kid that gave him the cheap shot him will eventually look his name up on Hockey DB after his facial surgery and realize he had 355 pims in the East Cost 3 years ago.

The Gary Roberts

Can be described as being way too intense. This guy is one of your better players but is unable to adjust to the lower level of play. At the best of times he will try to coach players on the fly and at the worst of times he will snap and call his entire team a bunch of house-leaguers. He believes the game should be played a certain way and despises 'pond hockey' style play with no back checking or positional assignments. Most likely is suffering from a complex of 'unfinished business' from his previous hockey career and is looking to capture some shred of glory via the rec-league championship. This guy is probably better off playing with his own kind in a senior-A league.

* * *

Oh, the Aces won 6-1 on wednesday. Nicely done, men. - Jeff

Aces Score Commanding 6-6 Draw

2008-10-02T07:00:00.000-07:00

In the opening contest of the Black Aces' bid to defend their championship season of 2007-2008, the team scored a decisive 6-6 draw with arch-nemesis Wyse Guys team.

After a bit of a slow start in the first 44 minutes of the game, the blackshirts came on strong in the final nanoseconds to dominate the contest, delivering a withering 6-6 drubbing to the Yellows and sending a strong message to the entire Cedarvale league. (That message: "We're happy with a tie")

Team chiropodist Barry Pervin bagged the deciding goal with 0.00002 seconds to play in regulation time, crushing the spirits of the opposing team in the process. Many players were seen weeping in the post-game handshake line.

Other goal-getters included new recruit and local talent Ralph, on a nifty inside-out move, Art W with a pair (including one on a lovely give-and-go with Bob), Rich W with a goal so spectacular it has been wiped clean from my memory by its white-hot brilliance, and Andrew with a crafty bank shot that eluded the Wyse Guys' netminder.

Raj posted a solid performance between the pipes but for 6 brief lapses, making several key saves behind a defense that was perhaps a little too polite to the opposing team for much of the night. (Mea culpa).

No mention will be made here of Al or Joe, who cast their lot with the yellow team and perhaps prevented their comrades from notching a 'W'. Though they did do their best to take foolish penalties.

The most important development of the night, however, was not on the ice at all. Starting next week, post-game beverages are to be provided each week not by team mascot Aubrey but by a rotating lineup of players. The choice of brand(s) each week should be interesting. Premium imported or budget brand 'old man' suds? Tall boys or standard? The suspense is almost too much to bear.

Next week: late game again. Opponent: Warriors (white team). Raj is bringing the beer.

Pick-A-Logo Time

2008-09-30T13:15:00.001-07:00

The Blackshirts are due for some newshirts in 2008-2009. To that end, we have secured the services of a renowned (in his own mind) graphic designer to provide a new team logo, crest, what have you.

Here are the options:

The Big A, seen here. A saucy little number that says "we're the alpha dogs of the Cedarvale Oldtimers Hockey League". Take that, rival hockey team dudes.

Next up, this vaguely atomic-looking creation with a hint of the retro naming convention (the HC stands for 'hockey club', not 'highly contagious' or 'haute couture').

So place your votes using the vote widget over on the right.